The Zen of Paco

2012-01-22T08:13:00.000-08:00

I dreamed about Andrew again last night.
I dreamed I was sleeping in my old room in the house I grew up in. Andrew was a baby about six month old and was sleeping in his room when I woke up hearing him cry. I went to his room and picked him up and held him close to me to comfort me. I took him back into my room and laid him down in a crib I had in my room and went back to bed. Then I heard him crying again from his room (again) but he was still laying in the crib in my room. I went to his room and there he was again only this time he was about a year old. Again I picked him up and hugged him and loved on him and took him back to my room and put him in the crib with his other self. Then I pushed the crib up next to the bed so that when I lay down I could reach through the rails and touch them both. And then we all went back to sleep.

2012-01-20T07:05:00.001-08:00

I dreamed about Andrew last night.

I dreamed he and I were living together in a tiny apartment and not able to pay the bills. He had hopes of moving into his own place but just no money. We were struggling so much that we talked about moving home to live with my mom. Something we really didn't want to do but it seemed like our only option.

My mother passed away when I was 19 years old...4 years before Andrew was born. Dreams are strange.

2012-01-01T17:56:00.000-08:00

Happy 2012/Earth Andrew.
I still miss you so much I can hardly breath at times. I've said it before - the pain never fades because the love never fades.

2011-09-16T11:10:00.000-07:00

Andrew went to a private school for the first couple of years. The school he attended had a dress code and he had to wear a tie.

2011-08-12T05:35:00.000-07:00

The day we brought Andrew home from the hospital - he was four days old.

Today is Andrew's birthday. He would have been 31 years old. That's such a strange thing to think about. He's my baby, my little boy and being 31 years old seems old. Old for him at least. He very much was "Peter Pan" in that he would be the eternal child. Although he was grown up when he passed away. (26 years old) he never lost his child like personality. His humor and wit were so refreshing. His intellect was unbelievable. He was such a joy to be around.

His memory is still a joy.

I dreamed about his father last night. In the dream we were together and talking about his passing. That's something we weren't able to do for many reasons and sadly, that's something I really needed. To be able to grieve with the father of my child.

But everyone handles death in their own way and you can't make people react the same way you do. What I need isn't what he needed...and that's hard but okay. I know how much Robert loves Andrew. I know what a good father he was and how much pain he must be in to lose his son. I'm sorry for him and I'm sorry for me. It's just that I can't be sorry for "us" together....and that's sad.

2011-06-30T21:51:00.000-07:00

Thanksgiving 2001 - Me, Andrew and Jamie

I know I haven't written in a while - let too much time pass ....

But I had been so down and in so much pain. The truth is that it scares me how much it still knocks the wind out of me to let myself think about Andrew being gone. But its like I told someone recently, "the pain never fades because the love never fades".

It has been so long since I had a dream about Andrew that I could remember and write about and yet I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt that I have dreamed of him almost every night. I wake up knowing that I saw him in my dream - I am able to hold the feeling of the interaction but not the details. I wish I could but still, its a great comfort to know that I see him in my dreams at least.

My life has taken a sudden and unexpected turn. I lost my job due to lay offs and budgets cuts. It has given me the opportunity to relax and move in a new and better direction. And with this chance has been the string impression of Andrew each morning when I wake up. The feeling is stronger than ever.

I don't know what dreams are made of. Last night on NOVA (PBS) they had a special on dreams and I waited up to watch it hoping to find some answers. Ironically I fell asleep once it began and drifted in and out for the whole program. I learned nothing except some folks think they mean something and some don't. Which put me right back to square one.

It doesn't really matter, I trust that God will give me what I need to be able to get though each day missing him the way I do. But still - I find myself waiting for sleep to come and a chance to feel him one more time.

2011-02-06T08:23:00.000-08:00

Patty - Andrew's best friend from Jr. High

Photo Patty took of Andrew in front of the Jr. High

Andrew's school picture - yes, he picked out his own outfit and didn't tell me it was picture day.

What Andrew wrote on the back of the picture he gave Patty.

About a week ago I was surprised to be contacted on FaceBook from a Jr. High School friend of Andrew's.
I was so touched my her post and yes, I did my share of crying. He has been gone for over 4 years and she just found out. She shared with me that she has been looking for him since about 1995 or so only too find him too late.
She was a very good friend to Andrew.
In her correspondence she thanked me for being nice to her. That made me weep even harder.
It made me stop and think about the people who pass through our lives. We never know what kind of impression we are making on the person and maybe on their lives. The gravity of that weighs on me.

I hope I always treated you well Patty and if there were times I didn't please forgive me.

And you have made a mark in my life, that I need to always be kind. And maybe for the first time in my life I think I want forgiveness for times when I wasn't nice to someone. I realize now any justification I might have ever thought I had is inexcusable. Thank you Patty -

2011-01-10T18:29:00.000-08:00

I was in New Mexico this Christmas and I went to see Andrew's grandmother, Lina. This wonderful woman is 89 years old and younger and healthier than I am. It was a wonderful visit. I don't know if you remember me telling you this but Andrew was cremated. While I was visiting with Lina she told me that Andrew's father intends to bury Andrew's ashes with her ashes when she crosses over.

I think Andrew would like that very much and it makes me feel good to know that he will be with her. They loved each other very very much.

I have the distinct impression that I have been dreaming about Andrew recently but can't remember the dreams - I wish I could - I miss him and have had a very hard time recently with my grief.

2010-12-19T07:13:00.000-08:00

This Christmas , as every year - as every moment of every day I'm missing you Andrew. I love you - Mom

2010-10-22T18:34:00.000-07:00

Andrew and Jamie

I Know You By Heart by Eva Cassidy

Dear Andrew,

I love you so much. Its amazing you know, it hasn't faded even a little bit in four years. It never will. The love I feel is just as real and present as it was the day you were born. It doesn't get smaller just because your gone or time passes.

I had a talk with God today on my drive to work. I thanked him for choosing me to be the blessed one to have carried you in my heart from the moment of your conception to this very moment. I thanked him for choosing me to be your mother and have the privileged of your spending twenty six years with you. I was enriched beyond belief by your existence.

I miss your eyes, your smile, your humor and laughter, your annoying passion for lost causes, your cynical deconstruction of society , your lightning fast retorts and razor sharp wit. I miss the space you occupied and the air you breathed...its what made my life valid.

I'm looking forward to seeing your sparkling eyes and wonderful smile when its my turn to cross that river. Come wait for me on that day so I can tell you again how much I love and have missed you.

Love, Mom

2010-10-12T04:15:00.000-07:00

I had a brief dream about Andrew last night. I don't remember much except he and I were walking down the street hand in hand. We stopped to talk to some folks and I was introducing them to my son. I think he was about 9 or 10 years old in last nights dream. He and I had very good times together when he was about that age. We went everywhere and had some great adventures together.

I woke up while dreaming of him and I prayed and prayed for him to come back to me in the dream when I went back to sleep....sleep didn't come. I was awake for over an hour.

But for a little while things seemed normal - like the old days - and I was happy.

2010-08-12T07:08:00.000-07:00

HAPPY 30th BIRTHDAY PACO!

2010-08-01T10:01:00.000-07:00

Andrew, me and Jamie 2005

I haven't dreamed about Andrew in such a long time. Not that I can remember anyway. And then last night I dreamed they came to tell me he had died and I said, "I always knew this was going to happen and I'm glad its finally over."

What in the world to you think that means?

2010-06-28T18:59:00.000-07:00

I know its been a long time since I've posted here but please don't think that means Andrew isn't isn't in my thoughts every minute and second of my day - he is. I still dream about him but I'm having a hard time remembering the dreams long enough to record them. I wake up knowing I dreamed about him but it fades immediately. My grief ebbs and flows like the great wave of tears that it is.

My coworkers and friends are loving and accommodating. They allow me to talk about him without showing any outward signs of being uncomfortable. One of my coworkers is especially generous to me - she jokes with me that Andrew is with me pulling pranks like misplacing important paperwork or locking my desk with no key to open it only to unlock it without warning. She and I both know that he's not a ghost, that's me remember, but she says that after hearing me talk about him she knows he would do those kinds of things if he were here. She's right and it makes me proud to know that I am conveying his life so accurately that a woman who has never met him can sit around and talk like she knew him for years - thanks Nikki - you'll never know what it means to me.

There is one young student we have in our program who reminds me so much of Andrew. He is small in stature like Andrew, his features are slightly similar but what is dead on (pun not intended but considered and left in place) is his personality and demeanor. He talks like Andrew, walks like him, writes lyrics all day long instead of working just like Andrew. The other day he had his earphones in his ears and he was dancing and I had to laugh - he dances just like Andrew.

My coworkers already know better than to ask for my input about his case management because I am apologetically biased when it comes to him.

He makes me smile, and then he makes me cry. I miss my son.

2010-04-04T13:01:00.000-07:00

There are many reasons why I want to go to Heaven. Here are the two most precious earthly reasons. My grandmother and my son.

This morning when the sun came through my window and gently woke me, I gave thanks for a risen saviour. Then I thought of all those I love who have passed on and how I look to the promise of being reunited with them.

2010-02-20T15:54:00.000-08:00

Andrew and me 1980

Recently someone mentioned their children and grandchildren and then followed up the statement by saying how blessed they were. Then they realized that I have neither of my own. They instantly felt awkward and fumbled to find the right thing to say.

Listen, its important for me to say that I too am very, very blessed.

I am blessed to have the experience of being the mother and acquaintance of the most remarkable person in the world. From the moment of his birth to the day of his departure he was a constant source of wonder. I wouldn't trade the opportunity to be Andrew's mother for 26 years for 100 years with another child.

He had such a way about him, I wish you could have known him. Each day with him was priceless.

Not that he was perfect. He struggled with his health, his academics and his employment. But what he had in place of these things was so much more. He had a heart that was so big that it made room for everyone. He had a sense of humor that made you laugh until you begged for a breath. He had an intellect that was so self possessed that he found no need to waste it on school work choosing rather to immerse himself in things that elude most common people. He was sweet and loving and funny but I guess the thing that was most prominent was his spirit...he has a beautiful spirit. I miss witnessing that.

2010-01-01T11:48:00.000-08:00

Andrew - Age 1

I had a dream several weeks ago. I dreamed I was standing in the front yard of a rental that Andrew was moving out of. A family of three came up to me and said they wanted to see the house because they were interested in renting it. I was very put out because Andrew was in the process of trying to pack and I knew the house was in a terrible mess and this just wasn't a good time to have people tramping through. I told these people it would be better if they came back another day but they were insistent. I warned them that the house was in a big mess but they didn't care.

I asked them to wait outside and I would go and check with Andrew to see if they could come in. When I entered the house I was completely shocked to see the room was empty except for a sofa. The sofa, carpet and walls were pure white and immaculate. Not a spot anywhere. Andrew was standing there and he was dressed up.

I told him that some people wanted to come in and that I had told them to come back later because he was packing and he said...."It's okay, I'm done."

That was the end of the dream. It was so haunting to me that I have waited to write about it. I woke up and was overcome with the feeling that unlike me, he didn't feel "rushed" , on the contrary, everything was cleared out, cleaned up and he was "done", ready to relinquish the dwelling.

It was a good dream.

2009-12-24T17:39:00.000-08:00

Tonight is Christmas Eve and I am missing my Andrew so much.
Someone said one time that Christmas is for kids, I don't believe that but I do believe that Christmas as we know it makes no sense without kids.

One of my oldest and dearest friends called me this evening to wish me a Merry Christmas. We talked for almost an hour and as we got ready to say goodbye she brought up Andrew. Her voice broke as she told me how she thinks of him all the time.

She went on to say that she could still see his smile and how when he looked at her she felt total acceptance from him. She said he had a look in his beautiful eyes of genuine interest in her and what she had to say. He made her feel important.

I had never ever thought about that but when she said it I recognised those traits in him immediately. It didn't matter if you were 3 years old or 103 he was the same with everyone. He would genuinely enjoy doing a puzzle with a child or going out with my friends for drinks. He never condescend to anyone. He enjoyed everyone he ever met.

Mychelle was right - he was the most loving genuine person that you would ever hope to know. I miss him so much, its just not Christmas without him.

2009-10-23T04:50:00.000-07:00

Somethings only lost when you don't know where it is. I know where my Andrew is.

2009-09-24T16:01:00.000-07:00

Andrew lived with the love of his life, Jamie, in St. Louis for several years. He joined a band and became best friends with the lead singer, a guy named Tony who dated Becka for many years. Jamie and Becka are now roommates.
On Andrew's birthday Jamie called me to tell me that she and Becka were celebrating Paco's birthday. She said they were wearing his clothes and we taking him out to eat and then for a day on the town. In the tradition of the traveling gnome they took his urn and set out to photgraph the celebration.
Just today I got to see the photo's - they made me laugh out loud - he would have loved this - this is so Paco.
I hope you can share the humor - he would have kept you laughing too if you had known him.

2009-09-21T17:15:00.000-07:00

Andrew in Germany in 2000

I dreamed about Andrew Saturday night. I was driving down a highway and Andrew was in a separate car following me. We approach an incline, it wasn't steep but a gradual rise. Still, I couldn't see over the top - no idea what was ahead.
I glanced in my rear view mirror and realized Andrew was no longer behind me. I panicked. Night was falling and I was unsure what to do. Go back and look for him but then I was afraid I'd miss him somewhere on the road. So I kept driving for a while but I started getting too scared so I did turn around and start back. I thought maybe he had pulled off to get gas or use the rest room somewhere.

I seem to remember pulling over at a run down truck stop of some sort and being freaked out as to whether to go inside or keep looking for him outside. Then somehow I had a call from him and he told me not to freak out but to keep on going and he's see me "over there".

I didn't like this dream.

2009-09-01T18:24:00.000-07:00

Andrew and Joel 1981

Me, my great nephew Levi and his dad - my nephew Joel. August 12, 2009

I was blessed to be able to go home to New Mexico the first part of August. During this trip I got to meet my new great nephew, Levi. He's a little doll and I love him dearly.

What made this meeting truly bittersweet is the fact that it took place on August 12th...Andrew's birthday.

I have mentioned on my other blogs I seem to be extra tired since that trip. Probably did too much....or didn't do enough...or just wish it would have lasted longer or maybe that it would never have ended at all.

Whatever the reason I have decided that for the time being I'm going to limit my posts to this blog to one per month. I feel this blog is my most important writing and I want to give you (and me) the very best I have to offer. I think by limiting the posting I would be more apt to give it my best effort if I took my time.

It seems its been hard to begin lately, maybe the this limitation will encourage a necessity for quality...he, you, me, all of us deserve that.

2009-07-19T19:10:00.000-07:00

Today, July 19th makes 1000 days since my precious Andrew left us.

2009-06-30T16:41:00.000-07:00

Someone left this on my comment section today - don't know who you are , I have a hunch, but thank you anyway. It means a lot to me.

Dear readers - I have mentioned before about Andrew being in a punk band clled This Strange Device. This is a clip of one of thier performances. Andrew is the one closest to the camera - bottom left of your frame - mostly the back of his head but its him all the same.

Thank you again who ever you are - I love you for this!

(*LANGUAGE WARNING* - YOU MIGHT WANT TO TURN YOUR VOLUMN DOWN )

2009-06-03T18:41:00.001-07:00

I have been very tired for a while now. And in addition I have been missing Andrew so much lately. I seem to cry at the drop of a hat.

A couple of weeks ago I had a very bad night. Many things were going wrong. I couldn't sleep. I was too warm, tossing and turning endlessly. Add to that the fact that I had a terrible cough that I couldn't seem to conquer. I had coughed so much that it felt like I had pulled all the muscles in my back and ribs. Painful to move and yet I couldn't lay still. There was more but I'll stop with this since I'm starting to bore myself. But I will confess that in one moment of fatigue and frustration I silently wished I would not see another morning.

I had been awake all night when I finally drifted off just as the sky was beginning to become light. I woke up suddenly a hour and a half later having dreamed about Andrew.

In my dream Andrew came to where I was and I was so happy. I said, "Andrew I am so happy to see you." I started walking toward him as I continued. "I have been missing you and wanting to see you." At this point I put out my arms to embrace him.

He never said a word. From the beginning he had looked straight at me with a very stern look on his face. When I tried to hug him he pulled back and away from my grasp and kind of sneered at my attempted affection ever so slightly.

That was it - he was gone as suddenly as he arrived.

What did it mean? You tell me, but then again I'm sure I know.

2009-05-05T18:35:00.001-07:00

This is a beautiful tiny lake in Santa Rosa called Blue Hole.

Its spring fed from the bottom so year round its the same temperature and this clear. The square shape you see in this picture is a diving platform. Skin divers dive down to this platform which I believe is 15 feet down. There is one below that which is 25 feet.

Andrew and his best friend Matt would spend every free minute swimming here. They would dive off the rocky edge and swim down to the first platform.

The photo below shows the rock shelf on side wall of the lake. Its so clear and so beautiful - you can look up videos about it on YouTube.

This is a photo of Andrew swimming up from the platform.

And here he is - standing on the rock shelf in photo three.

2009-05-03T12:12:00.001-07:00

Andrew was seven years old in this picture. He was playing in the Pacific Ocean - St. Augustine if I remember correctly. His father, Grandma Nini, he and I were on vacation. We had left DisneyWorld and were head north to visit his Auntie Vera and Uncle EJ (Robert's sister and her husband).

I realize this isn't the clearest picture but I posted it for a reason. I have had two recent, very brief dreams about Andrew both having to do with water.

One was on Easter, I dreamed I was standing on a beach very much like this one. Andrew and his best friend from Santa Rosa, Matt, were swimming and playing in the water. It had no far shore so it seemed to be an ocean but it was completely still. No waves - no movement. The only ripples were the ones made by the boys. The sky was a calm haze. No sun and no real clouds just a pale apricot color. This was a particularly quiet dream - no sound that I can remember...

The other one was early this morning. I dreamed Andrew was about 13 or 14 years old and I left him while I went somewhere. I was walking down the road and the water was coming up on both sides of the road. No storm, no wind, no sound, just rising water and I begin to panic because I realized that the water was going to cover the road and I wouldn't be able to get back to where Andrew was so I gave up going the way I was and turned around to get back as fast as I could. All the time I'm watching the water and it kept rising.

I finally got back and went into a classroom where I knew Andrew was. He was sitting in a desk on the front row and the teacher was telling him not to move his desk at all - to leave it right where it was. And Andrew (being Andrew) immediately scooted it as far forward as he possible could until his nose was almost touching the blackboard. He was laughing that he had done it.

And that was it -

2009-04-05T18:29:00.000-07:00

Joel and Andrew. Joel was born July 10th and Andrew was born August 12th.

This is probably the last picture the two of them are in. Andrew was in Joel's wedding. Joel is the groom (center) and Andrew is on his left (back row) and next to Joel (on his left and in front of Andrew) is his brother, my nephew, Ted.

On March 21st Joel and his wife Michelle welcomed their first child, a son, Levi into the world. He's a beautiful health little boy. I think he looks a lot like Joel but with dark hair like his mother.

My sister called me to tell me her grandson was here. My reaction to the news caught me by surprise. I was happy for her and for Joel and Michelle. Very very happy but at that exact moment when Vicki told me Levi had arrived I was abruptly thrust into the reality that I would never be a grandmother. Life had cheated me once again.

Please believe me when I say how happy I am for her but I would be lying if I didn't tell you the truth about the pain. For the first time in a long time it hurt as bad as losing Andrew. As she told me all about it I would gulp for air and force myself with every thing inside me to say things like "Oh, how sweet" or "Well Bless their hearts" but in between these little tiny sincere phrases I was screaming so loud no sound could come out. You know how it feels to stifle a laugh in church? Everything feels like it will explode? This is how it felt only in reverse. I thought my ear drums would burst from the pressure of holding in the scream.

I was afraid my voice would betray me and I didn't want anything to ruin her moment but as soon as I hung up the phone I grabbed a box of tissue and headed outside to the backyard swing where I sat and cried buckets for a very long time.

I cried it all out and then I was done. When Joel called me several days later I was able to talk to him without any problems. He told me all about the baby and we talked about how life would change. I love him and I couldn't be happier for him and his beautiful wife Michelle.

I look forward to seeing my new great-nephew. I have wonderful memories of my own great aunts, Carrie and Edna Mae, whom I loved very very much.

2009-02-27T16:50:00.000-08:00

I had the strangest dream early last Sunday morning. I dreamed I was in a house. It was apparently my house but it was so bizarre. It had levels upon levels and each level was a room. The rooms would have a floor and one or two walls but no ceiling, very open. These various room were suspended and connected by staircases.

It was as though the house was in outer space as it was dark all around and there was a thunderstorm off to the left side (ha ha, I'm laughing at myself as I type...who ever heard of "the left side" of a dream) When the lightning would flash it would light up a gorgeous purple velvet clouded sky.

In my dream I was running around trying to light candles in each of the rooms in case the electricity went out. Andrew was in one of these rooms. It was like "his" bedroom. And he was dressed in a costume...a drag costume. He was getting ready to go to a party.

I didn't have a chance to stop and talk to him because I was so busy trying to get these candles lit. They were hard to light and were flickering a lot even though there was no wind.

And then I woke up!

2009-02-11T19:14:00.000-08:00

Andrew in 7th Grade
I have mentioned before that Andrew's father was in the National Guard consequently each month he would have a weekend where he had to report for drill. Andrew and I took full advantage of these weekends to go and do things that he and I loved.
We would go to museums and antiques stores (yes Andrew loved antique stores). We regularly went to Old Town (Albuquerque) where we would spend the entire day. We would visit the great shops and eat in the wonderful restaurants like La Hacienda where we would both faithfully order red chile cheese enchiladas.

Now about the time this school picture was taken Andrew and I had our best outing ever. We spent the day in Santa Fe. It was a day I will never forget as long as I live. We both dressed up and headed out early for Santa Fe. Our first stop was the Santa Fe Plaza where we visited the Georgia O Keefe Museum located in the Palace of the Govenors. Then we had lunch at the La Fonda Hotel. We dined on, you guessed it, enchiladas in the hotel restarant and were pleasantly surprised to run into old friends. Following lunch we went to Canyon Road where we spent the afternoon going from one Gallery to another feasting our eyes on all the art.

One very special stop was at what was then called The Fenn Gallery where we saw many works by The Toas Six impressionists. Andrew was especially intriqued by the sculpture garden.

We returned home to Albuquerque by way of Galisteo where I had lived for a time before getting married. Andrew and I stopped and visited the family of the young man I had once been engaged to. Gracious and loving people I still revere.

Andrew was always good compeny no matter what his age was. Even as a young boy he was intelligent and very witty. I enjoyed every minute I spent with him. Several weeks before he passed away he was here for visit and my best friend Jody and her husband were also at our home for the weekend. When the weekend ended Jody and Kevin had enjoyed Andrew and Jamie's company so much that they made plans to get together again. Andrew was very comfortable with any age range and could always hold his own in a conversation.

It was on this trip that Andrew discovered The Ventures. I had a "greatest hits" tape and he fell in love with the music. We played the tape over and over while traveling. After much debate we finally decided that Apache was the best cut on the tape followed very closely by Telstar.

Music was one of the many things I shared with my son..

2009-02-11T19:12:00.000-08:00

2009-01-15T12:55:00.000-08:00

September 27,2006 - The last picture of Andrew and me taken on the last day I saw him -

The question has recently been raised as to why people blog. Everyone has his or her reasons. Personally I have four blogs and my reasons for each of them is unique to the subject matter. So I'll attempt to post an article on why I write The Zen.

I created The Zen of Paco out of a desperate need to write it all down. I had so much in my head and in my heart that I wanted to say. I desperately needed comfort and had read everything I could find on the subject of grief and grieving but nothing addressed my specific needs. I now realize that grieving is so personal that no one experience will ever be applicable to another person. That's just the way it is. I guess if I could give anyone any really valuable advice it would be to not look for any and don't take any. Just let it be what it is.

Oh I would add one more thing that I do believe is universal...I would say that its quite normal to be losing your mind. It is. How could you not lose your mind when you've lost someone you love. Its normal. It begins to change however. Notice I didn't say that it begins to get better - it doesn't -but you become familiar with its presence. You begin to fit it into your life so you can function again. And you don't like it, but for the first time in your life you realize that you really have no control. This thing has happened to you and that's it. - no room for negotiation.

I do believe I have railed as much against my own ego in accepting that I was powerless to influence this thing as I have railed against the unfairness and sorrow.

I also created this blog because I had so much I wanted to say to my son. So much I wanted him to know. As I look back from this very slight distance I feel confident that he knew the depth of my love and by belief in him. I feel sure he knew I revered him as a human being and that I recognised his gifts and talents....but I would give anything if I had said it a million times more.

He was so incredible. I wanted to share him with all of you and tell you stories about him and not let you see the tears rolling down my face when I did, and not see the pity in your eyes as you listened.

And finally it was important to me to draw a line in the sand. I am a woman of strong unshakable faith in my God and in his son Jesus. Death is not from God and it was important to me to let the devil know that I know exactly who to blame for all of this and I wasn't going to suffer quietly and question God. Instead I chose to use this blog as a way of documenting my faith for all to be witness to. Its all down in writing, nothing left to do but wait....

2009-01-09T17:49:00.000-08:00

I'm very very sad these days. I don't mean to be, I try not to be. And most of the time I can out run it but I don't know...lately its been gaining ground.

I think its probably all the media coverage about Jett Travolta, I'm almost sure of it. The fact that it came on the heels of Christmas gave it an extra punch. I have felt so sorry for the Travolta's but if I'm truthful, I'd have to say that I still feel sorry-est for me.

I have this constant feeling that never ever leaves me. I wish I could explain it but I can't. The best I can do is to say that every single moment of every day since I got that most hated phone call, I have this peripheral feeling that there is something I have over looked, something I haven't discovered or worked out that would fix all of this.

Yes, its a crazy thought. I know it is. I know its totally ridicules, but the damn feeling is always, and I do mean always, there. Just lingering on the fringe of my every waking moment. Something I can do to make him come home.

Oh my dear friends, even as I write this I know how crazy it sounds. I really haven't lost my marbles, I promise. Its just that most of the time I control this irrational emotion but I have been very tired and feeling very overwhelmed lately and I maybe I don't have the strength to silence it right now.

One of the things that absolutely knocks the wind out of me is music. I listen to music at work and while I'm in the car or at home. As the saying goes, "Music, especially rock and roll, is the soundtrack of my life". Every once in a while I hear a song on the radio and I'm instantly transported back to the time when the song was popular and Andrew was a child running around the house, or a teenager running in and out of the house. Sometimes a newer song will play and I hear Andrew railing about how bad that song sucked and how "all new music was a sell out". At times I can see clearly in my mind Jamie taking a stand that she liked the song and Andrew arguing with her. Music is very important to me and Andrew inherited my love of it so its not surprising that it is also my undoing at times. Almost daily I'll be going along, doing my work, focused on what I'm doing and I'll hear the first few notes of an old familiar tune and tears flood my eyes.

Its during those moments that it seems so real that he is just slightly out of arms reach. Like he's just living in another town. Just a phone call away. Maybe I'll get an email from him today. I'm split minded in these moments. The real me knows he's gone but then there's this other me that thinks "He can't be, it feels to real." I've begun to believe that this is what people mean when they say that he will always be "with" me. He will, I think I could live to be a hundred and it will always fell like he just left a minute ago.

It's such a desperate mystery. How can someone be alive and talking one minute and gone the next. It's a double mystery to me since my heart attack. Andrew was alive and then he died and he never came back. I was alive and then I was dead for 45 minutes and then I came back. Why?

I think I really need to know why.

Its funny. I've never questioned God as to why Andrew died. I have always trusted him in that he knew more about the situation that I did and that his timing is perfect. But I am a little curious as to why I survived and what lesson I was supposed to learn from that because as of yet its not clear.

But the one thing I can't understand is why Andrew's death still feels both so painfully real and simultaneously surreal. Why am I still haunted by the feeling that there is something left to be done to fix it all? That's the "why" I need answered.

2008-12-23T09:52:00.000-08:00

Christmas with Andrew and Jamie 2005

In the past month or so I've had two brief dreams of Andrew with the most recent one being this last Saturday, December 20th.

About a month ago I was sleeping in and Dana had gotten up to sit at the kitchen table drinking his coffee. My dog, Brutus, was asleep on his blanket which is on the floors next to my bed.

I dreamed that I heard Andrew call out to me from the living room. He sounded like he was about five years old and he yelled "Momma" as though he was upset or distressed in some manner. In my dream I got out of bed and ran into the living room but couldn't find him anywhere. He didn't call out again and I remembered that he was gone and that it couldn't have been real. This woke me up and I started to cry, it sounded so real.

I was laying on my stomach with my head in my pillow and didn't realize that Brutus had gotten up. He ran to the kitchen and got Dana and brought him back to the bedroom and then once there my dog, still hearing me cry, ran around the bed frantically before jumping up on the bed and laying his body over mine.

Then last Saturday I had a similar dream. I dreamed my phone rang and once again it was Andrew but this time he sounded like he was a grown man. His voice had an tone of seriousness and he said "Mom, its me." I said "Andrew where are you?" but there was no answer. I asked "Are you okay?" Again no answer. I asked these questions over and over but there was no answer, just silence on the other end of the phone.

My sister and her son, Ted are here for Christmas and Jamie spent about five days with us last week and will be back on Saturday. It kind of helps to have them here, but only a little. Things don't get better, I'd like to tell you they do but they really don't. They are different but no better. Christmas this year is very hard and very sad. I'm starting to think it will always be this way.

2008-12-08T18:39:00.000-08:00

(Ted Flores and Andrew)

This is my nephew Ted Flores and Andrew at Joel's wedding. Joel is Ted's younger brother. Ted has been very attentive to me since Andrew passed away. Although he lives in Florida he has spent every Christmas with me for the last three years. I am truly thankful for this, it helps to take the edge off. Each Christmas since Andrew's death Dana has had to go to work in the afternoon and with Ted here the house isn't so sad and lonely.

(Ted at age 3 and me)

Ted was born ten years before my son was. I had no other nieces or nephews for those ten years (Andrew and Joel are only a month apart in age). I doted on this boy and thought he was the sweetest, smartest and cutest little boy that was ever born. I laughingly admit that once when I was pregnant I remember getting very upset and crying (hormones - you know how it goes) because I was afraid that there would be no way to love anyone, even my own child, as much as I loved Ted.

He is still the same sweet, smart, cute boy (okay man, at 38 years old I must force myself to say "man") that he has always been. He hold a very special place in my heart and always will.

2008-12-02T18:32:00.001-08:00

2008-11-11T06:31:00.000-08:00

A very unhappy(scared) Andrew (age 9) and his father on the Durango &Silverton Narrow Gauge Railroad.

I've dreamed about Andrew twice since I last reported. Both times it was brief, too brief. I wonder why that is. Do you think that God knows my heart would break if he gave me too much. Do you think he knows I might take advantage of a prolonged opportunity and ask question that are not yet any of my business? I wish I knew how to make the dreams last longer, I miss him so.

The first one was just a passing glimpse of him. He was up on a dark stage of a nightclub where he was MC"ing" a tattoo contest and I was walking through the floor of the club on my way to another location when I saw him. Now how fitting is that? Paco hosting a tattoo contest. If its not blasphemy I would like to think that by the time I get to Heaven Andrew will have all the disciples talked into tattoos and tongue piercings.

Then early this morning I dreamed about Andrew again. He appeared to be about six or seven years old. He was sitting on a step looking very nervous. Andrew had a certain look when he was frightened. It was like he was fighting the urge to cry. Trying to be brave but losing the battle. In my dream we had to swim a short distance and the water was going to be about ten feet deep. He was scared and was telling me how he could swim but he could only swim in water two feet deep.

I was talking to him like I always did. Disguising my own concerns in order to appear totally confident. Pretending it was no big thing, a breeze. I can look back now and remember doing it often as Andrew was a "scary cat" most of his young life. Scared of clowns, carnival rides, riding on his daddy's shoulders and as the photo above will attest, he was scared of trains. Most of the time he was scared of nothing but the few times I was also scared I did my best not to show it so he would feel safe.

Anyway in this mornings dream he was anxious and telling me he had only swam in water that was two feet deep before and that he was scared. I told him it didn't matter how deep the water was he would only be swimming in the top two feet of it. Isn't that strange?

2008-10-31T18:26:00.000-07:00

I might have posted this picture last year but it doesn't matter, I love it. I don't sew but I managed to make this costume for him. His half sister, Nadene, took him to a school carnival and he came home upset because people kept stepping on his tail.

Tonight I'm very very blue. Andrew loved Halloween. It was his favorite time of year. He loved the fall and Halloween marked the beginning of the holiday season. He wanted to be married on Halloween and have the reception be a costume party. Now that would have been totally cool!
Shortly before his death he talked to me about wanting to get married in a year (2007) and we checked to see if Halloween would fall on a Saturday. It didn't and he asked what I thought about having the costume party reception anyway...I told him it would be fine and that everyone would love it.

So tonight I'm missing Andrew and wishing the four year old Andrew was here so I could take him trick or treating. I also wish the grown up Andrew was here so we could celebrate his anniversary.

2008-10-23T04:35:00.001-07:00

2008-10-05T14:16:00.000-07:00

Several of my favorite artists have mentioned the Balloon Fiesta on their sites. This is a very big deal in Albuquerque. The whole town, heck the whole state...no its more like the whole globe celebrates the International Balloon Fiesta held in October in Albuquerque.

The mass accession is phenomenal - you really ought to see it at least once from the field it's self. It's quite an adventure. You have to get up about 4:00am and begin dressing in several layer's of clothing. You start out freezing and eventually end up breaking a sweat even after you've peeled down to the first layer.

But here is what the first time visitor isn't expecting. You arrive in the dark and begin walking around being care to stay out of the way of the huge balloons that are carefully laid out on the ground. Then as the sun begins to "back light" the Sandia Mountains the pilots begin firing up their burners. The sound can only be described as the low exhale of a mythical dragon. Then just when you think you will freeze to death you begin to feel the unexpected and most pleasant warmth of the heat from those same burners. Its almost like being around a campfire...times 700...its wonderful. You start shedding clothes...

Then the mass accession begins - usually in waves in order to accommodate all of the balloons. Its like being in a dream. One lifts off as another one unexpectedly follows suit - what you really didn't expect is who quiet the process is - I mean quiet compared to the noise of the crowd and loud speakers. Quiet except for the shouting between the pilot and his chase crew. Quiet except for the roar of the snoring dragon (burner) that heats the air in the balloon and sets it on its course.

Then all too soon their gone - like so many Christmas ornaments swept up into the air and carried away. And you almost feel let down and then...you smell chile and breakfast burritos and it's all good again....
Once Andrew and I were driving along and a balloon landed in the field next to the road. He wanted to stop and see it. The owner of the balloon asked if we would like a ride (tethered of course). I was afraid but not Andrew - he jumped on the chance. That was the thing about him you know, he was so brave at unexpected times...

2008-09-29T18:27:00.000-07:00

I am always thankful anytime I dream about Andrew.
And of course, as I say over and over...dreams are so weird.
Last night I dreamed I was in a house (that I didn't recognise) but it was obviously "my" home. I was watching TV and suddenly I remembered that I had a baby and not only that but I dreamed I hadn't seen or heard that baby in two hours. I was in a panic. I looked all over the house and all the while kept thinking about what a bad mother I was to not keep an eye on my baby.
Then suddenly there was another person in the house, a man (I can't say who he was - either I didn't know him or I don't remember it now) and he very calmly walked over to the door leading to the garage and opened it and hollered for me that Andrew was safe and sound in the garage. I ran to the garage and there he was sitting in a box. Well, actually its wasn't a box it was this small wooden trunk that I keep photographs in. He was sitting there , like you see him in this picture, and he was looking at photos of himself.
I grabbed him up and held him close and was so embarrassed that I had lost him in the first place, kept telling this man what a bad mother I was...
Dreams are weird....

2008-09-25T18:34:00.001-07:00

September 26th 2006 was the last day I saw my son, held him, heard his voice...enjoyed his laugh. I will always love and miss this boy...

2008-09-16T18:42:00.000-07:00

"There remains therefore a rest for the people of God." Hebrews 4:9

Andrew was a kid (as well as a pre teen - a teenagers - a young adult and finally an adult) who could sleep anywhere at anytime. He would crack us up with the crazy places and positions he would fall asleep in. He went to bed early his whole life and was a senior in high school before he started staying late. I think breathing was such a problem for him and he never ever slept through the night (or rested much when he did sleep) so its not surprising that he could conk out at the drop of a hat.

I don't know if we sleep in Heaven - I kind of doubt it - but if we do he's probably off on a cloud somewhere with his beautiful black eyes closed and drawing in long, deep, smooth breaths as he dreams a dream we can't begin to imagine.

2008-08-27T18:56:00.000-07:00

This past Sunday a very dear friend lost her thirteen year old son. The tragedy is almost unbareable for her...I know, I've been there.

Tonight they had his visitation and as an act of support I stayed through the entire two hours just in case she needed me. She doesn't need me. She needs her son to be alive again...I know, I've been there.

But as I sat there I had the opportunity to watch and listen. One of the most common things I heard was "Why?" The other thing you hear whispered is "Where is God in all of this?" Once you are able to breath again you realize that he was right there with you through all of it. This much I know to be true...I promise.

Here's the deal, we live in a sinful world where Satan roams to and fro seeking whom he can destroy. And the closer it gets to the end the more he steps up his game. In these end times he is playing very dirty.

John 10:10The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

Satan has developed what he hopes is a more efficient method for his plot. You know, he has read the Bible...just not all the way to the end. He is aware that we know from John 10:10 that he is a thief who seeks to steal, kill and destroy. But he mistakenly thinks if he merely rearranges the words we won't recongnise his tactics. Now he is killing first, then stealing with the intention of destroying. Here's what I mean:

Utterly meaningless death is plaquing our young people. I believe (and this is opinion not Biblical fact) that the devil is "killing our children" so we will ask that accusitory question "Why?" And since he knows there are no answers to that question this side of Heaven he's hoping and betting that we will dwell on the "Why?" and allow it to fester in our hearts. And by tricking us into questioning, and even blaming, God he has then "stolen" our Faith. That in turn results in our ultimate destruction.

But typical Satan - he lacks the patience to read the entire verse. Or maybe he did and is just in denial, who knows, but we know that through Jesus we have life to the fullest. A full long or even immortal life on a planet that is dying is illogical. The only real place to have life to the fullest is with him in Heaven. Much better zip code - trust me.

So whether or not you like the answer to "why?" it remains the truth. We live in a sinful world full of death but this world is not our home. Our home is perfect and waiting for us. And where is God during all this? He's right there with you, carrying your baggage through customs as you journey on to Heaven.

***Sister girl, polar bears do go south for the winter and Hayden just cleared customs...I love you.

2008-08-24T08:58:00.001-07:00

When Andrew was younger, I don't know for sure, I think he was in mid-school, he saw a cartoon (maybe this one - maybe not - I can't remember for sure)featuring this song. He flipped over it and would sing it all the time. And for some reason known only to him he would break into this song every time he was in trouble with me and getting a butt chewing. It was such an absurb thing to do and consequently always made me laugh so I couldn't stay mad at him.

As I was searching for this on YouTube I found a Led Zepplin dub over that Andrew would have thought was hysterical.

">

Finally, I found one more cover that I love and I know he would have loved it too.

">

2008-08-12T04:32:00.000-07:00

2008-08-11T18:21:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is Andrew's birthday. So I thought I share some photos from his very first birthday.

Hot air balloons were all the rage in Albuquerque (and still are) so we had his cake made in the shape of a balloon.
So have yourself a piece of cake tomorrow in honor of his birthday and...
... try to sneak out of bed sometime in the early morning hours (like 4 a.m.)

to view the Perseids - even the stars celebrate Paco's birthday!

2008-08-10T09:41:00.000-07:00

When Andrew first left us I would pray and beg God to let me dream about him. For the most part I didn't. However, since my heart attack I am surprised by how often I dream about him now. I dreamed about him last night again which is very unusual.
This was a very quick little dream. I was standing inside a building that had a wall that was all glass. Fixed glass like a business, not windows you could open. Outside was a pool and Andrew was swimming in the pool. Suddenly there was an announcement that everyone needed to get out of the pool and get ready because the plane was getting ready to land. (I know - dreams are weird). The next thing I knew I was hurrying toward the gate where he was arriving but I woke up before he came through the gate.

Aren't dreams strange?

2008-08-09T19:27:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I had to deal with a situation of child abuse. It impacted me on a huge scale and must have still been on my mind when I fell asleep last night.
I dreamed Andrew was about 5 years old and someone had decided to discipline him by making him sit on a shelf. ( You know how weird dreams can be sometimes.)
So I came into the room where there was this big metal cabinet (the kind you commonly see in a garage) and I opened the metal door and Andrew was sitting on a shelf looking almost identical to this photo. He was smiling and having the time of his life - not the least bit distressed. I held out my arms and he came to me and wrapped himself around me in a big hug. I held him and hugged him so tight, sort of knowing in the back of my mind that being able to touch him was unusual.
The thing is, it reminded me of times when I disciplined Andrew. It was always a challenge because he always enjoyed himself no matter what. I was wasting my time to send him to his room or make him stand in the corner. He would immediately started day dreaming and playing with his fingers or something equally non-removable and be having a great time. Although frustrating, I loved that about him.

2008-07-20T07:12:00.001-07:00

This was an interior shot of Andrew's first apartment.

If ever I didn't know what was going on in my son's life - this was it.

It was his first place of his own and he very much didn't want his mom to be a part of it. He wanted to test his wings and fly solo. He would have been about 18 or 19 years old, I can't remember. I didn't know it was it would ever be important to remember - always thought I would be able to just ask him how old he had been...either way, I was not generally welcomed there.

He was working full time and had enough income to afford this place that as I mentioned earlier was "piece" of what had been a large house at one time. The front door opened into a room that was both his living room and bedroom. That room opened into the kitchen area and then there was a tiny dark frightening bathroom off of the kitchen. You could say the living room/bedroom and kitchen were pretty much one large room. When I look back it was a actually very roomy area.

Lots of light - the windows you see in the photo were high enough up that he didn't have to worry about any one pressing their face against the glass to look in. Consequently he put his twin size bed into the bay of the window where he could sit by day and lay by night and look out the window.

Andrew was a slob! There is no delicate way to describe his surroundings. He couldn't care less what anyone thought about it either. Despite years of training, arguing and tears he enjoyed living among piles of clothes, shoes, skateboards, guitars and books. Stacks and stacks of books. I have told you before that he was an avid reader and would have a book in every room that he was reading. Jamie tells me that it was nothing for him to be reading five books at the same time. Now in his own place he went from bad to worse. But as he reminded me often - he was the one paying the rent and it was none of my business....and he was right.

I believe this was a difficult time for him in several ways. He broke up with a long time girlfriend about this time and was probably more alone in that apartment than he realized when he rented it. He was quickly learning that some friends are not true friends - more like bums and moochers. I also remember a friend hanging out over there who had brought along another friend, a girl about 13 or 14 years old.

She thought Andrew hung the moon but Andrew was smart enough to not go near her. She would constantly call him and come over. He had to spend much of his time hiding from her. Many nights he would come home and park his car in our driveway and ask me to give him a ride back to his apartment so he could be home without her seeing his car and stopping by.

He became very restless and disillusioned about this time and decided he wanted to move back to New Mexico. (I'll write more about that later.) So sure enough he gave away all of his things and packed up his car and he and his cousin drove back and got an apartment together. I was so sad to see him go but I was also very excited for him.

I was always a terrible mother hen. Because of his illness I worried constantly about him. I drove him crazy checking on him to see that he was okay. I can remember waking up at 4am worried about him and getting in my car and driving by his house. I didn't stop because he wouldn't like it and I didn't want to admit how obsessed I was with his safety.

At the same time I knew I didn't want him to be smothered. I also knew I couldn't help but do it so in a very strange way I was glad that he left and went back to New Mexico. As much as I worried about him I also encouraged him to have adventures and never once tried to keep him "down on the farm". My life with him was a constant struggle to not be afraid and to encourage growth and independence in him. Ironic now that I think about it.

I remember two separate things about his place very clearly. One time I stopped by and he was there alone. He was riding his scooter (you remember they were all the rage about 8 years ago - these little scooters about the size of a skateboard with little motors on them) in this large loop through the living room/bedroom and into the kitchen. He never stopped while I was there. He was friendly and talkative but kept going round and round in circles until I gave up and left.

The other memory bothers me greatly. It was after his break up with the girlfriend and I stopped by to see how he was doing. He opened the door wide but told me that he didn't want me to come it. He wanted to be alone. I glanced in the apartment and he had sheets and sheets of notebook paper that he had completely filled from top to bottom with his writing. They were all taped up on the walls. The wall was covered with them. I asked about it and he said he was just doing some writing and that it was private. I worried a lot about him during that phase and watched him closer than usual (hence the 4am drive bys) but he came out on the other side just fine. Soon he pulled the writing off the walls -threw them away- and embarked on a new adventure in Las Vegas, NM.

Years later we joked about his "manifesto" plastered on the apartment walls. I will always wonder what it said... Irregardless, he was always able to overcome even the darkest hour and walk away laughing...I bet he's still laughing...

2008-07-12T05:50:00.000-07:00

I dreamed about Andrew again last night. Do you know how unusual it is for me to dream about him at all let alone so close together to the last dream? But I'm not complaining.

The photo above is of the outside of Andrew's very first apartment. This old house in West Plains had been carved into several apartments. His was on the ground floor looking out at the street. It was old and dilapidated but still really cool for a young man's first place. In a couple of days I will post another photo and tell you some stories about the time he lived here, for now I want to tell you about my dream last night.

Last night I dreamed I had parked my brand new pickup truck in a very isolated (read: dumb) place to park and I went to check on it. There were a couple of people with me and when we got there sure enough someone had tried unsuccessfully to steal the battery. We managed to put it back in and I knew I had to move the truck. I think Andrew was one of the other's in the dream but I can't swear to it. That's the way it is sometimes - I wake up with a general feeling that I have seen him in my sleep.

But the next dream was very vivid and I woke up remembering it. I dreamed that after I got back from moving the truck I went into my own house and could see some of Andrew's knick - knacks were sitting on the table and I knew he had been there digging through his old stuff and retrieving things. You'd have to know Andrew - he was (like his mom) a collector of things, very sentimental and enjoyed being himself so much that regardless of how old he got he would still cherish the things he had as a child. He got a kick out of showing them off - they were his collectibles. He collected Mechanical Elmo's - you know - the ones that sing or dance. He always got one from me for Christmas - always, right up to his last Christmas.

Anyway, it was so normal to see these few things he had pulled out of storage and set aside. He wasn't in my house so I gathered them up and took the next door to a single wide trailer that I knew Andrew had recently moved into. I went in and there he was, sitting on the floor (no furniture) doing something on his laptop. The counters were completely covered with glasses of various kinds very neatly stacked. There was a dark haired woman - older than he cleaning the kitchen floor. Andrew told me that she was the former tenant and had just come to finish cleaning up and getting the last of her things so he could move in.

I remember thinking that for a single wide (and a rental no less) it was incredibly clean and really pretty cool inside. The carpet was purple..when Andrew was young that was his favorite color until someone told him it was a "girl color" then he switched to green. Which is why my Nautical Star tattoo is green and purple.

I told him that I thought this was a pretty nice place and that I would be tickled if he bought it and stayed here since it was right next door to me. He said he's think about it.

Now in real life there would be no way that he'd live near me. I worried about him too much and it drove him crazy. His favorite thing was to refer to me as "A Chihuahua on Crack" when talking about my lecturing. I think that's very funny -

That's pretty much the whole dream. One thing I can't seem to find the words for is how I feel when I wake up and know that I have seen him. The fact that it feels so real is very important to me. Its one of the things that helps me make it. Then there is the whole deal where I try to figure out the dream. I would like to think that this one means that he is very near me.

Last time I talked to Jamie (she's working 70 hours a week and hasn't had much free time to come for a visit) she said that she had recently dreamed that she and someone else were trying to climb up a very steep muddy slope. She kept sliding down and having to start over. She said that Andrew was with her the whole time and kept encouraging her. She finally made it to the top and the other person with her didn't. There were people waiting for her at the top and they asked her how she made it up such an impossible climb. She told them that she made it because Andrew was with her. (Although he had kind of disappeared by this time)

Now here's the neat part, she said that when she woke up she instantly knew she could make it. No matter what happened she was going to be okay because Andrew is with her, helping her. I love that.

I don't know what I believe about dreams. I believe they are important and not random. I don't think God would give us the ability to dream unless he meant for it to assist us in some way. We know from the stories in the Bible that God sent dreams to warn people or give them wisdom so I know they are important.

It goes against my personal beliefs to think that either dream, hers or mine means that Andrew is "Our Guardian Angel". Sorry folks - can't believe it. Based on what I understand about the nature of angels and the nature of our spirit I know that to believe that someone was an angle would imply a demotion of sorts. God created angles for a purpose and us for a higher purpose.

But I can believe that God sent a message in the form of a dream telling us that its all okay. That Andrew is close, he still knows us and cares for us and wants us to be comforted by that information. But just like him not hanging around Jamie once she was up the hill or the fact that he was working on his laptop or shopping (as in the most recent dream) is telling us that he isn't idle over there - he has things to do - he loves us but has to get back to what he doing.

And that's very cool.

2008-07-09T18:04:00.000-07:00

I had the strangest dream last night. I dreamed I was headed somewhere and got detoured to a huge indoor swap meet. It had the best stuff I had ever seen at a swap meet. Really good stuff that was really cheap.

I found this set of mixing bowls that I have been eyeing on eBay. They are these wonderful pink (like the color on the old Teaberry Gum packages) Pyrex bowls in what was called the Gooseberry Pattern. They were mark $4.25 for the set. I only had to pay $3.50 for them. A total steal!

I was standing at the checkout table after having completed my purchase and was talking to the other people standing there. Suddenly the door opened and Andrew came in. I was so surprised and delighted. I said "Andrew, I'm so glad you're here. I was just thinking how much you would like this stuff they are selling." Then I grabbed him and hugged him as tight as I possibly could. He was friendly but didn't hug back - didn't say anything that I remember, just smiled and then went on to browse through the swap meet. I returned to the group of people I was talking to and pointed Andrew out to them. I said "That's my son. He died about six months ago but now he's back."

Isn't that odd? I have often wanted to make physical contact with him in past dreams but never did. It was like there was a veil I couldn't reach past. But last night I held on to him for a very long time.

I woke up so happy. I was elated to have had the chance to hold him again even if it was only in a dream. Then I headed to the shower to get ready for work. We have a radio on in the bathroom at all times (It's hooked up to the light switch) and as I began my shower this song came on.

What makes this interesting is that Andrew loved this song and had just discovered it at the time of his death. He was trying to learn it so Jamie said he played it over and over and over and over... She said he had gotten very good at the vocals.

She requested that it be played at his funeral. I hadn't heard it since I was a teenager and had almost forgotten about it. (Since then I have it on my IPod and hear it frequently.) But, I can't recall hearing it on the radio at all. I thought it was intriguing that it would play right after I dreamed about Andrew.

As I sang along with the radio I couldn't help but smile and say, yes - you really blew my mind.

2008-07-04T14:22:00.000-07:00

Today is the day we set aside to celebrate our independence. One of the ways we do this is to shoot off wonderfully colorful fireworks. So, since Andrew was a real firecracker in his own way I thought I'd post some "Paco Fireworks" in the form of his various hair colors. Not really red, white and blue, more like red, yellow and green but totally Paco all the same.

Ironically, this is what happens when children celebrate their independence from the influence of their mother who would have never approved of him dying his gorgeous hair.

Hope you have a wonderful Fourth of July. Be safe -

2008-06-15T07:23:00.000-07:00

Happy Fathers Day

2008-05-23T14:48:00.000-07:00

Today on The Oprah Winfrey Show the topic was the grieving of family members who lost their children in very tragic circumstances...nightmare situations...

I sat and cried and shook my head "yes" as I listened to them tell their stories. There is an empathy that no one except those of us in this "group" (that no one ever wanted to join) has for other parents that no one can begin to comprehend.

The mother of the beautiful child killed in a car accident said that she can't believe she has continued to exist for two more years after this tragedy. I understand that. When Andrew's first anniversary rolled around I was devastated to reach a point where I would no longer refer to losing him in terms of months and now speak of years. How could that happen? How did I live past that very first sundown? I don't know.

But I do know.

I know that bad things happen. With no rhyme or reason bad things happen. As much as we hope they never happen to us there is no real reason why they shouldn't. I'm not special or magic. I, like everyone else, live in an imperfect world and tragedy is without prejudice, it follows no profiles when it seeks out a victim. It just happens.

And although my Andrew didn't leave this earth in such a traumatic way as the families on today's show, it doesn't mean that his untimely passing wasn't hard. I have spent my fair share of time second guessing decisions that were made in regards to his health from the time he was born and wondering if something could have been done differently that would have changed the outcome. I could drive myself crazy "what if-ing", and sometimes I do.

But what helps me...what keeps me from stepping in front of a train (because that's what you secretly want to do a lot of the time) is the assurance that even if I have to go on for another 20 or 30 years without him, it's still less than a blink of an eye in the scope of eternity. One day I will close my eyes and open them again on the other side of the river and it will be as though it never happened. He will be there along with my grand parents, my mother, maybe my dad ( I will be curious to see how that worked out), and all of the people I have loved in my lifetime and all the rest I will love for eternity.

Its not a pacifying tactic, not a coping mechanism. It is what it is.....the truth.

From "The Rubaiyat Of Omar Khayyam"

" Alike for those who for Today prepare,

And those that after a Tomorrow stare,

A Muezzin from the Tower of Darkness cries

"Fools! your Reward is neither Here nor There!"

* * *

Oh, come with old Khayyam, and leave the Wise to talk; one thing is certain, that life flies; One thing is certain, and the Rest is Lies; The Flower that once has blown for ever dies."

* * *

I can't move forward much less fly if my life is weighed down with grief and sorrow, and I want to fly..in more ways than one. And Andrew would want me to.

2008-05-08T17:43:00.000-07:00

As I have struggled with my own health issues I have thought so much about Andrew. I have a renewed appreciation for how hard it must have been for Andrew to be so sick all of his life. I miss him so much, he really was the neatest kid in the world. So damn funny - I miss that.

I wish I could say that I saw him and spoke to him and came away with a nugget of wisdom but its just not there.

This life is such a mystery. And I think that's cool - I don't know why I didn't follow him through that gate, I feel very confident that staying was the right thing -

2008-04-26T13:14:00.000-07:00

Please hop over to The Capricious Painter for an update on my recent absence.

2008-04-10T19:02:00.000-07:00

Andrew was only five years old when this song was released. Believe it or not he was already developing his own taste in music. This was the first contemporary music cassette tape I can remember buying him. He loved this song.

Everybody Wants To Rule The World - Tears For Fears

2008-03-31T17:45:00.001-07:00

I seldom cry when I post something to The Zen, but this picture makes me cry.

When Andrew was 3 years old I quit my job to stay home with him. I was fortunate enough to stay home for the first 8 years that Andrew was in school. I still needed to have some income so I babysat. Andrew wasn't much over 5 years old in this picture. He decided to put on a puppet show for the kids I watched. He set it up and used his toys as the puppets. He did all the characters and thier voices. This was Andrew.

This picture makes me cry.

Crying...its one of those things that creeps people out. They don't know what to do with me when I cry, so I try not to do it too often in front of people. But I'm crying all the time on the inside. No that's not quite true, its more like alternating between crying and screaming. But I do it real quiet, on the inside.

I'm falling apart, not really getting much better, maybe even worse. This is a hard thing, the hardest ever. Last week my husband and his cousin planted a tree in the front yard for Andrew. A Mimosa...Andrew would have like this very much...and they are ordering a plaque and asked what I wanted inscribed on it. I knew immediately..it will say

"Be Still and know that I am God" Psalms 46:10
In Memory of Andrew "Paco" Romero
1980-2006

The 46th Psalm reminds us that God is our strength and our refuge. I remember this every moment of every day. When Andrew first died I said to myself, "I don't understand why but I know that God knows more about this than I do." I trust God completely in this tragedy, it doesn't stop the pain, but it makes it bearable to get through one more day.

2008-03-11T18:58:00.000-07:00

Nautical Star

The sun comes up each morning
Feel your hand reach out for mine
Hear your whistling in the songbirds
As the sundial marks the time

I always seem to just miss you
Thought I heard you in the breeze
Caught a quick glimpse of you moving
In a canopy of trees

Heard your laughter in thunder
When your joking rain was done
Saw your eyes dance in the lightening
Always teasing just for fun

You ran too fast to catch you
You left me without goodbye
I look for you all day long now
Come and find me, tell me why

Late night moon says he knows you
The stars spell out your sweet name
Wishing you would come back home now
Come back home from where you came.

Dance me in the darkness
Play me music I can’t hear
Feel the rhythm of your heartbeat
Whisper low and draw me near

Come home now starlight strider
Return my nautical star
Searching for that galaxy rider
Bring me home to where you are

2008-03-07T17:59:00.000-08:00

Just for fun I created a new constellation - Its called "Paco" and its sign is the Joker - many are born under other signs but choose this one. Those who identify themselves as "Paco's" are loving and much loved, talented, intelligent, funny, entertaining, joyful, passionate, prone to great depths of emotions, extremely witty, sensitive, caring, impatient and most uniquely the ability to see beyond the day to day.

I was born a Gemini - I changing to a Paco... anybody else?

2008-02-27T18:33:00.000-08:00

Jamie requested this song be played for Andrew at his funeral.

Its so Andrew -

In past posts you have heard me talk about this is the song always being played when I'm out. Its like he always right there with me -

2008-02-24T15:47:00.000-08:00

A wonderful surprise and touching tribute by Sandy. Sandy is an incredibly talented artist and photographer and I am so honored by her post today.

Please visit the link below:

http://sandy-everydayart.blogspot.com/

2008-02-21T15:15:00.001-08:00

Doesn't this just make you smile all over?

2008-02-17T13:51:00.001-08:00

..just because he's so darn cute!

2008-02-10T17:23:00.000-08:00

Or at least something to give you a warm feeling in the middle of winter. Andrew took karate lessons when he was about five years old. He got up to an orange belt before deciding he wasn't interested anymore. Then when he was a senior in high school he decided to go back into training. He did very well and then one day, poof, just like that he decided he was done with it. His instructor came to see me and told me that he had never seen anyone with the natural talent that Andrew had for the sport. We all begged him to reconsider but Andrew was Andrew - and on to something else.

Over the next couple of days I will post some of the photos of Andrew in his karate outfit (yes I know it has a name, I just don't know how to spell it - ha!) These were taken when he was five or six years old by the Kim Jew Studio in Albuquerque -

2007-12-31T16:04:00.001-08:00

If you are one of my faithful and beloved readers of The Zen you might have already read the comments attached to the last post from Lilli (BookBabie) and my response. In her comment she advises me to not overlook signs and coincidences as they pertain to Andrew.

She is right. Maria, my sister in this jouney, is right. Many have offered the same advice and they are also right.

Whether actual visits from my son or simply God's merciful signs I cannot say but I will tell you of a couple of interesting things.

On December 17th some time between 3:30 am when I had last looked at the clock and 5:45am when the alarm rang, I dreamed of Andrew. Okay, its true, I still can't bring myself to say he visited me in a dream but I know you will all understand and be patient with me.

We talked for a while and the dream ended with him sharing three things with me. First I asked what it was like "over there"? He said it was " _________ " and used a word I have never heard before nor can I relay it in any way. I can try to come close. I can try to substitute the word "awesome" but this is a pale and trembling version of what he said. As someone who collects words much like precious keepsakes I would give almost anything to be able to write this word - but it doesn't exist. Not over here at least.

Second I asked him if he would come back to us if he could. He was lightening fast with his answer of "No!" and seemed to chuckle just a little when he said it. And I could almost swear I detected a note of snobbery in his tone - as though I was a fool for asking.

But he did end the conversation by saying that he gets "a little sad sometimes" because he misses us.

When I woke up I immediately dismissed the dream as being of my own making but as I drove to work that morning immersed in a feeling I had never had before I reasoned that in the Bible there are references to people being given dreams by God for their edification or as a warning.

So maybe, just maybe... but then I thought about Andrew saying he was sad and I reasoned that there are no tears in heaven so it had to have been only in my own mind...and then I remembered that in Ephesians 4:30 tell me that the the Holy Spirit of God can be grieved , so maybe...just maybe...

Then this Saturday I met one of Andrew's very best high school friends who I had not seen since 1998. We met at a bar and sat and talked about Andrew for a very long time. It had been an unusually quiet night; I assume everyone was waiting to go out tonight instead of last weekend. Consequently we were able to talk undisturbed. In the middle of our visit a total stranger walked over to the jukebox and fed her dollar in the slot. She pushed a few buttons and walked away. I had to smile.

The song "RockStar" by Nickleback began to play. This is the song that Jamie picked out to play for Andrew at his funeral and it seemed so right that it was playing while Chad and I laughed and cried and remembered.

"...don't over look the signs or coincidences..." I won't, I promise.

So by way of wishing you all a Happy New Year I want to share something Andrew sent me back in November of 2004 when I was going through a very rough time. Andrew didn't include the authors name so I apologize to him or her but the wisdom is from Andrew all the same.

"We should never look back on the trials and tribulation of our life with regret or sadness for they are in some way, shape or form the things that make us immortal. These are the things that teach you about life and give you insight for the journey. Everything we experience whether it is a happy time or a sad time is a lesson on the path to being enlightened and knowledge we can pass on which makes us immortal."

Momma loves you Andrew -

2007-12-25T04:39:00.000-08:00

May all your Christmas dreams come true ~

2007-12-24T12:31:00.000-08:00

Check out those fancy cowboy boots....I still have them.

2007-12-23T07:26:00.000-08:00

I love this picture so much - it shows how at a very young age Andrew was pure joy. Always ready to laugh and be merry. This is genuine Merry Christmas -

Hope all of your Christmas preparations are going well - take time to love each other and make the children laugh - that's what Christmas is all about.

P.S. I love you all very much - Cara

2007-12-21T17:51:00.001-08:00

Andrew was four months old in this photo of his first visit to Santa Claus...I'm not real sure that Santa is much older....

2007-12-17T20:04:00.000-08:00

2007-12-15T11:33:00.000-08:00

Andrew's second Christmas. Notice the tree had to be moved up high? Guess why!

2007-12-09T13:38:00.000-08:00

Andrew's first Christmas (1980) - The most precious gift under the tree!

2007-12-03T19:52:00.000-08:00

I have this very dear friend named Louie. He's a treasured friend. The kind of guy who would do anything for anyone. And to date Louie has yet to give me his condolences.

About two weeks after Andrew died my best friend Jody spoke with Louie and asked him if he had talked to me. He said no and she asked why and Louie's
answer was that wonderful quirky pure "Louieism" that I know and love.

When Jody asked him why he hadn't called me he said "Because she will be sad."

The weekend ofter Thanksgiving Louie came up to visit and he and I spent a lot of time talking. Out of nowhere, after thirteen months, he mentions my son. Here's how the conversation went:

Louie: You know I remember the first time I met your son. It was when he and Jamie came to Willow Springs for John's party. I remember they drove up in their car and Andrew got out and he had a Mohawk.

Me: I remember. I was mortified. Here he was meeting my friends and he jumps out of the car with that haircut. I was so mad at him and I made him cover it up with a do-rag. And then later he took it off and Kevin had a fit over it and said it was cool and how he wanted one so then I lost that argument.

Louie: I gotta tell you, I didn't like him. I thought he was a freak. You know, based on the way he looked with his hair like that and his piercings and tattoos - I thought he was a freak.

Me: (smiling) ah...but that was Andrew.

Louie: ..but here's the thing...at first I didn't like him and then I heard them talking about how he had gone back to the nursing home where he used to work to visit all them old people and I thought, wow - I couldn't do that.

Me: Andrew was a really good CNA. He was good to those old people and took care of them but what I loved most was they way he made them laugh.

Louie: I know now that first impressions aren't always right because it takes someone special to do what he did.

.....this was worth waiting thirteen months for ......

Andrew took a class called Health Occupations his senior year and became a CNA. He went to work four days after graduation. He came home after his first night and I asked him how everything went and he said fine except for when he tried to remove this man's dentures in order to brush them. He pulled and pulled only to realize the man didn't have dentures.

Andrew loved to cut up and make people laugh - even his residents. He'd show up for work with his hair dyed green one week and blue the next. He'd run around wearing rubber gloves on his head so he looked like a rooster. He'd hide in the medicine cart and pretend to be a prisoner. He'd put a handful of denture cleanser tablets in his mouth so that he was foaming like a rabid dog and hide under the nurses station so he could scare the RN.

My all time favorite stunt was a running gag with one of his residents, Goldie. This little old lady was not really with us anymore. They would get her up and dress her and secure her into a wheel chair and wheel her out into the hallway. This little lady had a habit of yelling over and over what ever she heard last. For instance, if she heard some one say "Mary you have a phone call" she would yell that at the top of her lungs all day long. So Andrew would tell her riotous things that she would in turn yell all afternoon. One of the best was "I like malt liquor". So here's little tiny white haired Goldie, yelling at the top of her lungs

"I love malt liquor....I love malt liquor...."

Now before you think to yourself that this was mean, Andrew loved Goldie. He adored her and took care of her like she was his grandmother. After he moved to St. Louis he never failed to stop by and visit her when he came home for a visit. He took it hard when he went to visit and they told him she was gone...

Andrew hated his job but loved his residents. He was good at his job. He was loved in return.

I've often wondered how many of his residents he has run into since he left us...I hope he found Goldie in particular.

2007-12-01T11:20:00.001-08:00

My grandmother, Rubye Lee Mosier-Jordan, holding my mother, Rubye Naoma. This photo was taken in 1925.

My mother, Rubye Naoma Jordan-Zinck, and me Chirstmas of 1957

Andrew and I at his paternal Grandmother's (Adelina Romero - Grandma Nini) home. Summer of 1981.

2007-11-21T16:01:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving 2001 - West Plains, MO.

2007-11-11T17:56:00.000-08:00

The last time Andrew went hunting...West Plains, Missouri

Sorry, I can't remember the year but it was at least 5 years ago. I was always a nervous wreck when he was hunting, so afraid he's get hurt.

When he got old enough to understand his father told him that when he got to be a big boy he could go hunting with him. After that every single morning when Andrew woke up he would run to our bedroom and climb in bed between his dad and I and say the same exact thing. "Tell me about hunting Daddy." And his Robert would tell him the exact things he had told him the day before. This went on for a very, very long time.

Once when he was a freshman in high school in Santa Rosa, NM he and his father went hunting. They shot a deer right off the bat and brought it home. Robert hung it by its neck in the out building we had. The deer's back feet were about 4 or 5 inches from the ground and its head was cocked to the side. I was gone and Robert came to get me to tell me they had their deer, leaving Andrew home alone.

When we returned to the house Robert insisted I come out and see the deer. To this day I kick myself for not taking a picture of what awaited us. Robert unlocked the door and flipped the light switch and there was this deer who although still hanging from the rafter now had a blue paisley bandanna tied Cholo headband style around his head, sunglasses on, a cigarette in his mouth and a skateboard that fit perfectly under his back feet.

That was Andrew right there....he was absolutely the funniest person I have ever known in my life....

2007-10-21T18:15:00.000-07:00

Tuesday, October 23rd, will be the one year anniversary of my son’s death. I’m posting this today because I plan on being very still and quiet on Tuesday. I will scarcely move a muscle. I will barely breathe. I will sit and wait.

Wait as I have waited for the last 365 days for the earth to come to a screeching halt and stop turning. For gravity to finally let go. For the sun to stop rising and falling. For air to run out. How could it be that all of these things kept right on schedule when my world stopped?

No…that’s not true – my world didn’t stop, it reversed.

My world still turns but it goes backwards and gives me headaches and makes me have dizzy spells.

Gravity on my world is a hundred times heavier than it was one year ago. The act of opening my eyes takes monumental strength.

The sun rises and falls but everything stays a flat shade of gray.

….and there is never enough air to breath, never. And sometimes it feels like there is too much and I think my chest will explode.

My head aches because I think of him so much that there is little room for anything else and yet this life demands that I do. It crams little rubbery facts and trivia in where, if they only knew, there is no more room. Did you buy soap? The car needs gas, the light bill is over due…..what do you want for supper? One more syllable and my head will begin to rip at the seams.

I am screaming…I am screaming as loud as I can but no one hears it. I am screaming that I am gone. The very best of me is gone. I no longer exist but no one notices. I feel raw and exposed and yet those around me see nothing.

I was almost completely gone 365 days ago and what little was left has been lost to a quiet desperation. I am like twilight, slipping away at an undetectable rate until there’s only darkness.

My life has stalled. I sit and wait in the darkness. Listening, but I hear nothing but my own silent screams.

2007-10-03T19:35:00.000-07:00

I think what hurts me the most is that my son didn't want to die.

I know that's an absurd statement. No one wants to die. I don't even believe that people who commit suicide "want" to die.

No one wants to stop being. Its true. Even if your life is terrible you don't want to stop being as much as you want to stop being in the state you're in.

Honestly, isn't the desire to believe in reincarnation not about getting to live more or longer but rather getting to live better.

I used to really stand on my soap box about how selfish people are who commit suicide and have no sympathy for them. I've decided to modify my beliefs. I still believe that about people who "threaten" to commit suicide whether they follow through or not.

But now I think there are those who quietly slip away and do what they think they must do. Not so much by choice as by lack of options. And there in lies the true flaw in the process. It is not the lack of options but rather the inability to recognize the options.

And this too is forgivable. If you care traveling down the road in the light of day and you come to an intersection you can survey your surroundings and choose the best path. But if is nightfall. If it is dark. If clouds cover the light of the moon and you can't see the stars and you honestly believe there is only one path are you in fact accountable?

I'll concede that it may or may not be your fault that your traveling in the dark, but you can't control the clouds that cover the stars and moon, your eyes are only human eyes and cannot make out the other paths. Seldom can we control all the factors in our quest for the best solution.

So what's the answer?

Sit down and wait. That's the only thing I can come up with. Wait for the clouds to drift on by and the light of the moon to help you find a safe place to ...wait. Then you wait patiently for the sun to come up and then reassess your options and try to make the best decision based on having all the information available. Then if you make your very best choice and you chose the wrong path and fall off a cliff...well then...you didn't do it - it was an accident.

And all this sitting and waiting in the dark...how long do I wait? I don't know, I can't see my watch in the dark. How do I know its not futile? How do I know that the sun will eventually come up? I don't. I have no guarantees, I only have faith.

2007-09-27T05:08:00.001-07:00

One year ago today was the last day I spent in the company of my son.

The last day I heard his voice with my own ears, watched his eyes dance or listened to him laugh. Run my fingers through his thick, thick hair and suggest he get a hair cut, which he did, that very day. I remember telling how good he looked with his hair cut. I remember how proud he was of it.

It was the last day I put my arms around him and felt the warmth of his rough skin as I hugged him, felt him hug me back.

The last time I would say to him in person “Momma loves you” and hear his consistent response “I love you too, mom.”

In less than a month he would be gone.

Yes I had talked to him many times on the phone after that and we always told each other we loved each other. But September 27th was the very last time it would be done in person. I can still see him laughing and waving goodbye from the passenger seat as Jamie pulled the car out of the drive way.

I see that grin and wave every day of my life in my mind and heart. I want to badly to see it once again in reality, but I’ve not been favored with insanity so I know I won’t be seeing it again on this side of the river.

I have spent the last eleven months carrying on as if its okay – but you know its not. It can’t be, never will be. I pretend to be both brave and polite and tell myself and others that it will be different once a full year has passed.

I am a liar.

2007-09-24T18:59:00.000-07:00

Andrew was a groomsman in his cousin Joel's wedding about two and a half years ago. While in New Mexico Joel hooked me up with photo's fromt he wedding. Many I had seen but some I hadn't. It is so odd to sit and stare at the pictures of my son. Andrew had times when he was in good health and times when he wasn't. This was one of the latter. The more I looked at the photo's the more I could see how sick he was on this occassions.

This weekend we went camping and I was walking two of the grandchildren (by marriage) down a path under the moonlight when we saw the most beautiful brilliant green shooting star. It traveled across the sky for a ver long time. Green is Andrew's favorite color. I talked about Andrew and my grandson, Zachary, who is four years old said he wanted Andrew to come down from the sky.

So do I Zachary, so do I...

2007-08-11T08:47:00.001-07:00

Sunday is August 12th. Sunday, August 12th , is the date for the Perseids Meteor Shower. Sunday, August the 12th is the day my son was born.

There are several events that come along in your lifetime that change you forever. The birth of my son was one of two major events that permanently changed me.

What I learned when my son was born was that I could do anything. Anything!

I had been told this all of my life by my parents but their perception of reality was suspect. Then after several miscarriages I managed to carry and give birth to this perfect little boy. I did it. I did it all by myself.

For twenty six years I had the honor of caring for and knowing this remarkable person.

God must have loved me very much to give me this opportunity.

So this Sunday take time to do two things. One, remember Andrew on his birthday. Second, enjoy the Perseids Meteor Shower - think of them as fireworks for Andrew’s birthday.

2007-07-24T16:52:00.000-07:00

THIS IS MY SON WHEN HE WAS A BABY - WHAT YOU CAN'T TELL VERY WELL IN THIS PICTURE WAS THAT HE ALWAYS SUCKED HIS LEFT THUMB.....ALWAYS.....

2007-07-11T19:34:00.001-07:00

You could never tell what Andrew was going to look like from one time to the next. This was my favorite hair color and style on him.

2007-07-04T15:39:00.000-07:00

HAPPY 4th of JULY!

*Check out that "Kid n Play" hair!

2007-06-22T18:11:00.000-07:00

I always loved this picture. Very "James Dean" like...

Andrew would have been 16 years old in this photo. He had just gotten his driver's license in time for the homecoming dance and was all dressed up and ready to go.

2007-06-19T18:47:00.000-07:00

I intended to have this up by Father's Day but didn't make it. This photo was taken in about 1983 or 84. We were out at my mother in laws farm in Los Lunas, NM. Andrew loved it there. Jump over to my art blog to see a painting I did of this photo a couple of years later.

2007-06-13T19:51:00.000-07:00

2007-06-03T16:56:00.000-07:00

Now I'm no photographer but every now and then I can take a pretty good picture. Of all the photo's I've taken this has to be my absolute favorite.
This was taken of Andrew when he was about four years old. We were at his grandmother's place in Los Lunas, New Mexico. By the way. the adobe wall you see in that background was made by Andrew's Grandma Nini - adobes and construction.

2007-05-30T18:44:00.000-07:00

When Andrew lived in St. Louis he was a base guitarist for a wicked little punk rock band called "This Strange Device". They played a few local clubs and eventually had the opportunity to open for The Urge. This gave them the opportunity to play for a couple of thousand people. Things didn't go as well as they had expected and they weren't well received.

Now this isn't my generations music so whether it was good or bad, I couldn't say. But what I can tell you is that he had the time of his life. Prior to the performance the band had set up a website and the majority of hits to the website came from girlfriends and family members. Andrew called me the next day after the concert. He was so excited about all the hits to their website that came in after the concert. I laughed and laughed as he proudly read me each of the comments. Comments like "You guys suck" - "You guys ought to die" - "Worst band I ever heard" and on and on.

He was so happy and I said something about the negative feedback and he said it didn't matter to him. What mattered to him was that those people took the time to locate the website and leave a comment.

That was Andrew...that was Paco. It was all good. Even when it was bad it was all good.

2007-05-24T20:05:00.000-07:00

This photo of Andrew and Jamie was taken in June of 2005.

Yesterday Jamie emailed me and said she was having a very hard time. She said that she couldn't understand why God gave her someone so perfect for her and then took him away.

Missing him does seem to get any easier. I wonder if it ever will.

2007-05-21T18:22:00.000-07:00

I dreamt about Andrew last night.

When Andrew first passed away I would beg God every night to let me dream about him but I never did.

Then as a little time passed I would wake up with a feeling that he had been in a dream but I couldn’t remember. I would just wake up with a strange feeling that was heavy with his presence so I knew he was there I just couldn’t give you any details.

One time I did remember seeing him in the background moving equipment like an extra in a movie.

But it has never been in my nature to dream about people I know. When I first moved to my present home I would dream almost every night that my former husband had come and taken me home. These dreams were distressing and constant for about a month or so. But mostly I seldom dream about anyone I know.

Now I don’t mean to step on any toes here but I don’t believe in ghosts. Well I guess I need to clarify that. I specifically don’t believe that my dead uncle gets to come back from the other side and visit or play trick on me by moving my deodorant. I don’t think my dead grandma turns on lights and my dead dog doesn’t push the screen door open with his nose. Do those things sometimes happen, yes, is it anyone I know, no it isn’t. And trust me; I’m practically an expert on things that go bump in the night.

So I don’t believe my son will ever visit me in my dreams. But I do believe that my mind will visit him in my dreams and possibly on a very special and rare occasion God may send me a dream about my son.

Last night he showed up in a dream. Possibly because I have begun to work out a painting I want to do of him, but for what ever reason, he was there. And this time I asked him if he knew he had a bad asthma attack and he said yes. Then I asked him if he knew he had passed on and he looked so sad. He didn’t answer me. Then, in my dream, I told myself to gaze on his face because I knew I hadn’t seen it in a while and that this was a rare opportunity just to look at him again.

And that was that. The next thing I knew I was trying to catch a shuttle with too many packages and ended up losing my purse. Actually I had a purse but it wasn’t mine and my keys were in my purse which was apparently gone…..

Such are dreams…..

2007-05-16T18:25:00.000-07:00

You remember that precious little baby boy I've been showing you pictures of? Well this is what happens when they grow up and leave home and you can't make them get a haircut.

Andrew was about 21 or 22 years old in this photo.

But that gorgeous smile was always the same.

2007-05-13T06:36:00.000-07:00

My very first Mother's Day - 1981

This was my very first Mother's Day in which I was the mother. Andrew was nine months old and it was Dedication Sunday at our church, Del Norte Baptist Church in Albuquerque, NM.

For those of you unfamiliar with "Dedication Days" unlike Catholics who baptist infants we dedicate them to the Lord and make a promise to raise them with the knowledge of what God, through his son Jesus Christ, did for each one of us. Then when the child is old enough to make a decision on their own they can choose to be baptised.

I had made Andrew's outfit. Those who know me could tell you what a miracle that was because I don't sew. It was a precious powder blue with the sweetest Peter Rabbit buttons. I still have it....

I remember that Sunday service so well. His father had to work and could not attend but my grandmother, Nonnie, sat beaming from "her pew" (it's a Baptist thing) and I stood before the congregation and promised God that I would raise him in the love and fear of the Lord...and I did.

When Andrew was 10 years old he had his first seizure related to his asthma. We almost lost him that night. Shortly after that he came to me and asked to be Baptised. He made a very mature decision for such a little man based on his understanding of the seriousness of his illness and his comprehension of what it meant to believe...

On this Mother's Day some have tip-toed around me for fear of upsetting me. Yes, this is a tough day for me but...I am still his mother. That will never stop..ever.

And I am the most blessed woman in the world to be his mother for 26 years here on earth and for all eternity.

2007-05-09T17:03:00.000-07:00

Bass Pro Museum in Springfield, Missouri 2000
Andrew being the joker he always was.

2007-04-25T19:44:00.000-07:00

Here he is in his blue footie pajamas holding a rag doll I made. This would have been right before bedtime. There's that smile again....

2007-04-23T04:08:00.000-07:00

It has been six months since Andrew passed away. Feels like it just happened six hours ago and at the same time it seems like 600 hundred years since I've seen him, heard his voice.

A friend of mine who lost her granddaughter recently asked me if it begins to get better. The answer is no.

The shock wears off but it never gets any better.

What does happen is that you become very skilled at incorporating it into your life. You become a master at holding back tears. You learn to lie without blinking when folks casually ask you how you are. You deliver an stellar performance worthy of an Oscar when people want to show you photos of their children. You can go to work and smile and do your job without any visible sign that for you the earth now rotates in the opposite direction and gravity is starting to disappear. You are the only one aware of the fact that at any moment you won't have the strength to keep the world from coming part at the seams.

How do you become so adept at all of this? Well, you have been practicing for 24 hours a day, seven days a week. And you trust, and you pray and most of all your ability to see beyond this world becomes amazingly clear. For the first time you realize how fleeting this life is and that nothing you do in this life, outside of getting ready for what comes next, matters.

I loved and raised a wonderful boy. His life was fleeting. I look forward to what comes next. My only job is to run the good race until then.

2007-04-19T17:32:00.000-07:00

Andrew's incredible smile and dancing eyes - priceless.

2007-04-17T04:56:00.000-07:00

Five years ago today Andrew and Jamie became a couple.