Dani and Lizzy - Dancing in the Sky (with Lyrics)

 

When the Creator sends you a message, you pay attention. This morning I had some time alone and I spent a long time having myself a good cry. I miss my son constantly but Christmas time is especially hard. As soon as I was done crying I set about to write a long over due letter to a dear friend. In this letter I shared my morning's all consuming grief. When I finished that letter I started a second one that I needed to send. It included similar information about how consumed I was with my loss. As I wrote the second email my cell phone alerted me to an incoming text message. It was sitting right next to my laptop so I glanced down and there was this message from an unknown number. What do you think? You may or may not think it means anything but I will tell you this, I straighten myself up, dried my tears and got up and made a huge batch of Christmas cookies.

Hi - been a long time I know.  Although I've posted this information on my other blogs I haven't posted on this one until now.  On January 11th I had a mammogram and didn't give it another thought until they called a few days later saying I needed to come into the office.

To make a long story short - breast cancer -stage 2 - very survivable.

February 20th I had a bi-lateral mastectomy and began reconstruction which was halted temporarily while I do chemo. Three weeks ago I had my first treatment and last week most my hair fell out.  I went into the salon and had the rest of it taken off.  I was surprised when I looked in the mirror and saw a very close resemblance of Andrew when he would buzz his hair in the summertime. 

I will do Chemo every three weeks for 3 to 5 months.  Aside from the hair issue the first round wasn't as bad as I thought it would be so I'm doing pretty good all in all.

But I've told you all this to tell you that whether it was the cancer or whether its the medicine to deal with the treatments I have very vivid and intense dreams.  The good part is that I dream of Andrew frequently and they have been nice dreams.  Most of them I can't recall but when I first open my eyes I know I dreamed about him but it fades immediately.

The last one was a couple of nights ago when I dreamed he was about 8 years old and he came into my bedroom and got into the bed and we laid there talking for what seemed in the dream for hours.

I can say this has been a bright spot in this recent journ

ey.

Nightmare

I've had a rough couple of days.  There's more about that on "Bare Naked Me"  so last night we went to a charity 50's Sock Hop (to benefit the Honor Flight program) and had a very good time.  We got home after midnight and I wasn't in bed until after 1am.  I fell asleep quickly but had a horrible nightmare about Andrew. 

I dreamed we were away from home and for some reason Andrew, who appeared to be about 10 years old,  had to stay one night in a juvenile facility.  I was very upset and scared for him.  I was told that all the mothers could come and have dinner with the children and visit with them.  I was waiting nervously to see Andrew when they opened the door and let us in.  I couldn't find Andrew.  I looked and looked and he wasn't anywhere.  I checked every square inch and he just wasn't there and no one was being very helpful.  I kept feeling like they knew something but weren't telling me.  I begged them to help me find him but we never found him.  Finally they made me go home.

I woke up crying and cried for a long time.  It was 4am  and finally about an hour later I went back to sleep.  When I did, I dreamed that I was in a kitchen working  (I didn't recognise the house) and I looked out the window and saw Andrew laying on the ground.  I ran out the door and straight to him but woke up before I got to him.

This is the first time I've had a bad dream about Andrew.  I don't have a clue why I had the dream or what it meant.  But it made me terribly sad...and I'm still sad.

Today is the 6th anniversary of my son's passing.  It totally blows my mind to think that he's been gone six years.  You know, you never think you can make it one day or one year after something like this happens and yet here it is six years later...

You hear people say they resent the passing of time because they get older, gray hair shows up - wrinkles...Or they complain that the car is old and worn out, the kids are growing up....

But I resent time for passing - period!  I don't want it to be six years since I last saw Andrew...heard his voice...this has been so damn unfair.

A birthday present from Heaven.

When I was 17 years old I traveled to Las Cruces, NM to visit my best friend, Marilyn.  She was a student at NM State.  While there I spotted this poster for sale at the campus book store and purchased it.  It has hung in every home I lived in from 1974 to about 2000. 

Andrew grew up seeing this poster and he always loved it.  When he moved into his first home in about 2000 or possibly 2001 he asked if he could have it.  I hated to part with it but I knew how much he admired it so I gave in.  

As is expected with someone young, he moved several times and somewhere along the way the poster disappeared.  I thought little about it until about two years ago when it crossed my mind.  Myself and a dear coworker, Nikki Avery, spent an entire afternoon trying to locate it on the internet with no luck.  I had given up and to be very honest, had begun to forget what it even looked like.

Then on June 11th, my birthday,  I was at work and on my lunch break when I decided to relax in the employee lounge for a while and spend some time on the computer.  I happened to log into Pinterest and there it was.  I was feeling pretty low that day up until that  moment and in that moment I felt like I had been given a very special birthday present.

Rather than search this lead for another poster, which I really don't have room for I printed of an 8x10 copy of this print and hung it in my bedroom where I can see it when I first wake up in the morning.  Can you think of a better way to start the day?  I can't.

I dreamed of Andrew last night. In my dream he was about the age as he was in this photo. I had taken him to a new day care center and was apparently enrolling him so he could start attending. The center was hidden from the road by a dense row of trees. He and I went in the front door and as I looked out of the windows into the back yard "play ground" it was a beautiful flower garden with a thick lush lawn. There was a deep blue pond for swimming. They sat Andrew down and gave him lunch.
At another table sat a boy named Sean who was looked to be about 2 years old. In real life he and Andrew grew up together. In fact I babysat Sean from age 18 months through his third grade. He and Andrew were close friends, Andrew was a year or so older so they were almost like brothers.
In my dream he was also eating lunch but unexpectedly he pulled open the front of his diaper and dumped his food into his diaper. I looked at Andrew and said "Don't even think about it." But little Andrew didn't seem to be thinking about it - he was just sitting there eating his lunch.
Then I went outside to wait for his father to arrive. I could barely see his vehicle on the other side of the trees.
Dreams are so strange, I know I say that a lot. I struggled when the alarm clock rang to try and go back to sleep. I couldn't start the dream again but I did have a feeling that I was still "in the spirit" (for lack of a better term) where I had experienced being with my son. I linger there as long as I could. I finally got up very sad and weepy, feeling the pain of my loss stronger than I had in a long time. It was later when I realized that when I dream of Andrew as a teen or a grown man I come away feeling happy that I saw him in my dreams. When I dream about him being a child I come away sad for myself and in pain.
But it doesn't matter, I would give anything to dream of him every single time I closed my eyes.

Last night I dreamed about Andrew. I was in a town I have never seen and I was with him and some of his friends (none of which looked familiar) and we were all eating and laughing at an outdoor restaurant. It was a beautiful sunny day. Then we decided to go back to my home and and Andrew and another guy took off walking down the street. I hollered at him and told him to wait and we'd go together and he said "You go your way and I'll go mine and I'll meet you at the house." When I got home I was living in an apartment and it had a bay window that looked into the interior hallway of the apartment building. I had sheer white curtains over the windows and when Andrew arrived he and a group of friends were out in the hall and having a good time joking and laughing. He never came inside and all I could do was to watch him through the sheer curtains.

Pretty obvious dream don't you think?

I briefly dreamed about Andrew again last night and I clearly remember telling myself to remember it...but I didn't. I have tried all morning but it won't come back to me.

I dreamed about Andrew again last night.
I dreamed I was sleeping in my old room in the house I grew up in. Andrew was a baby about six month old and was sleeping in his room when I woke up hearing him cry. I went to his room and picked him up and held him close to me to comfort me. I took him back into my room and laid him down in a crib I had in my room and went back to bed. Then I heard him crying again from his room (again) but he was still laying in the crib in my room. I went to his room and there he was again only this time he was about a year old. Again I picked him up and hugged him and loved on him and took him back to my room and put him in the crib with his other self. Then I pushed the crib up next to the bed so that when I lay down I could reach through the rails and touch them both. And then we all went back to sleep.

I dreamed about Andrew last night.

I dreamed he and I were living together in a tiny apartment and not able to pay the bills. He had hopes of moving into his own place but just no money. We were struggling so much that we talked about moving home to live with my mom. Something we really didn't want to do but it seemed like our only option.

My mother passed away when I was 19 years old...4 years before Andrew was born. Dreams are strange.

Happy 2012/Earth Andrew.
I still miss you so much I can hardly breath at times. I've said it before - the pain never fades because the love never fades.

Andrew went to a private school for the first couple of years. The school he attended had a dress code and he had to wear a tie.

The day we brought Andrew home from the hospital - he was four days old.

Today is Andrew's birthday. He would have been 31 years old. That's such a strange thing to think about. He's my baby, my little boy and being 31 years old seems old. Old for him at least. He very much was "Peter Pan" in that he would be the eternal child. Although he was grown up when he passed away. (26 years old) he never lost his child like personality. His humor and wit were so refreshing. His intellect was unbelievable. He was such a joy to be around.

His memory is still a joy.

I dreamed about his father last night. In the dream we were together and talking about his passing. That's something we weren't able to do for many reasons and sadly, that's something I really needed. To be able to grieve with the father of my child.

But everyone handles death in their own way and you can't make people react the same way you do. What I need isn't what he needed...and that's hard but okay. I know how much Robert loves Andrew. I know what a good father he was and how much pain he must be in to lose his son. I'm sorry for him and I'm sorry for me. It's just that I can't be sorry for "us" together....and that's sad.

Thanksgiving 2001 - Me, Andrew and Jamie

I know I haven't written in a while - let too much time pass ....

But I had been so down and in so much pain. The truth is that it scares me how much it still knocks the wind out of me to let myself think about Andrew being gone. But its like I told someone recently, "the pain never fades because the love never fades".

It has been so long since I had a dream about Andrew that I could remember and write about and yet I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt that I have dreamed of him almost every night. I wake up knowing that I saw him in my dream - I am able to hold the feeling of the interaction but not the details. I wish I could but still, its a great comfort to know that I see him in my dreams at least.

My life has taken a sudden and unexpected turn. I lost my job due to lay offs and budgets cuts. It has given me the opportunity to relax and move in a new and better direction. And with this chance has been the string impression of Andrew each morning when I wake up. The feeling is stronger than ever.

I don't know what dreams are made of. Last night on NOVA (PBS) they had a special on dreams and I waited up to watch it hoping to find some answers. Ironically I fell asleep once it began and drifted in and out for the whole program. I learned nothing except some folks think they mean something and some don't. Which put me right back to square one.

It doesn't really matter, I trust that God will give me what I need to be able to get though each day missing him the way I do. But still - I find myself waiting for sleep to come and a chance to feel him one more time.

Patty - Andrew's best friend from Jr. High

Photo Patty took of Andrew in front of the Jr. High

Andrew's school picture - yes, he picked out his own outfit and didn't tell me it was picture day.

What Andrew wrote on the back of the picture he gave Patty.

About a week ago I was surprised to be contacted on FaceBook from a Jr. High School friend of Andrew's.
I was so touched my her post and yes, I did my share of crying. He has been gone for over 4 years and she just found out. She shared with me that she has been looking for him since about 1995 or so only too find him too late.
She was a very good friend to Andrew.
In her correspondence she thanked me for being nice to her. That made me weep even harder.
It made me stop and think about the people who pass through our lives. We never know what kind of impression we are making on the person and maybe on their lives. The gravity of that weighs on me.

I hope I always treated you well Patty and if there were times I didn't please forgive me.

And you have made a mark in my life, that I need to always be kind. And maybe for the first time in my life I think I want forgiveness for times when I wasn't nice to someone. I realize now any justification I might have ever thought I had is inexcusable. Thank you Patty -

I was in New Mexico this Christmas and I went to see Andrew's grandmother, Lina.  This wonderful woman is 89 years old and younger and healthier than I am.  It was a wonderful visit.  I don't know if you remember me telling you this but Andrew was cremated.  While I was visiting with Lina she told me that Andrew's father intends to bury Andrew's ashes with her ashes when she crosses over.

I think Andrew would like that very much and it makes me feel good to know that he will be with her.  They loved each other very very much.

I have the distinct impression that I have been dreaming about Andrew recently but can't remember the dreams - I wish I could - I miss him and have had a very hard time recently with my grief.

This Christmas , as every year - as every moment of every day I'm missing you Andrew.  I love you - Mom

Andrew and Jamie



I Know You By Heart by Eva Cassidy

Dear Andrew,

I love you so much. Its amazing you know, it hasn't faded even a little bit in four years. It never will. The love I feel is just as real and present as it was the day you were born. It doesn't get smaller just because your gone or time passes.

I had a talk with God today on my drive to work. I thanked him for choosing me to be the blessed one to have carried you in my heart from the moment of your conception to this very moment. I thanked him for choosing me to be your mother and have the privileged of your spending twenty six years with you. I was enriched beyond belief by your existence.

I miss your eyes, your smile, your humor and laughter, your annoying passion for lost causes, your cynical deconstruction of society , your lightning fast retorts and razor sharp wit. I miss the space you occupied and the air you breathed...its what made my life valid.

I'm looking forward to seeing your sparkling eyes and wonderful smile when its my turn to cross that river. Come wait for me on that day so I can tell you again how much I love and have missed you.

Love, Mom

I had a brief dream about Andrew last night. I don't remember much except he and I were walking down the street hand in hand. We stopped to talk to some folks and I was introducing them to my son. I think he was about 9 or 10 years old in last nights dream. He and I had very good times together when he was about that age. We went everywhere and had some great adventures together.

I woke up while dreaming of him and I prayed and prayed for him to come back to me in the dream when I went back to sleep....sleep didn't come. I was awake for over an hour.

But for a little while things seemed normal - like the old days - and I was happy.

HAPPY 30th BIRTHDAY PACO!

Andrew, me and Jamie 2005

I haven't dreamed about Andrew in such a long time. Not that I can remember anyway. And then last night I dreamed they came to tell me he had died and I said, "I always knew this was going to happen and I'm glad its finally over."

What in the world to you think that means?

I know its been a long time since I've posted here but please don't think that means Andrew isn't isn't in my thoughts every minute and second of my day - he is. I still dream about him but I'm having a hard time remembering the dreams long enough to record them. I wake up knowing I dreamed about him but it fades immediately. My grief ebbs and flows like the great wave of tears that it is.

My coworkers and friends are loving and accommodating. They allow me to talk about him without showing any outward signs of being uncomfortable. One of my coworkers is especially generous to me - she jokes with me that Andrew is with me pulling pranks like misplacing important paperwork or locking my desk with no key to open it only to unlock it without warning. She and I both know that he's not a ghost, that's me remember, but she says that after hearing me talk about him she knows he would do those kinds of things if he were here. She's right and it makes me proud to know that I am conveying his life so accurately that a woman who has never met him can sit around and talk like she knew him for years - thanks Nikki - you'll never know what it means to me.

There is one young student we have in our program who reminds me so much of Andrew. He is small in stature like Andrew, his features are slightly similar but what is dead on (pun not intended but considered and left in place) is his personality and demeanor. He talks like Andrew, walks like him, writes lyrics all day long instead of working just like Andrew. The other day he had his earphones in his ears and he was dancing and I had to laugh - he dances just like Andrew.

My coworkers already know better than to ask for my input about his case management because I am apologetically biased when it comes to him.

He makes me smile, and then he makes me cry. I miss my son.

There are many reasons why I want to go to Heaven. Here are the two most precious earthly reasons. My grandmother and my son.

This morning when the sun came through my window and gently woke me, I gave thanks for a risen saviour. Then I thought of all those I love who have passed on and how I look to the promise of being reunited with them.

Andrew and me 1980

Recently someone mentioned their children and grandchildren and then followed up the statement by saying how blessed they were. Then they realized that I have neither of my own. They instantly felt awkward and fumbled to find the right thing to say.

Listen, its important for me to say that I too am very, very blessed.

I am blessed to have the experience of being the mother and acquaintance of the most remarkable person in the world. From the moment of his birth to the day of his departure he was a constant source of wonder. I wouldn't trade the opportunity to be Andrew's mother for 26 years for 100 years with another child.

He had such a way about him, I wish you could have known him. Each day with him was priceless.

Not that he was perfect. He struggled with his health, his academics and his employment. But what he had in place of these things was so much more. He had a heart that was so big that it made room for everyone. He had a sense of humor that made you laugh until you begged for a breath. He had an intellect that was so self possessed that he found no need to waste it on school work choosing rather to immerse himself in things that elude most common people. He was sweet and loving and funny but I guess the thing that was most prominent was his spirit...he has a beautiful spirit. I miss witnessing that.

Andrew - Age 1

I had a dream several weeks ago. I dreamed I was standing in the front yard of a rental that Andrew was moving out of. A family of three came up to me and said they wanted to see the house because they were interested in renting it. I was very put out because Andrew was in the process of trying to pack and I knew the house was in a terrible mess and this just wasn't a good time to have people tramping through. I told these people it would be better if they came back another day but they were insistent. I warned them that the house was in a big mess but they didn't care.

I asked them to wait outside and I would go and check with Andrew to see if they could come in. When I entered the house I was completely shocked to see the room was empty except for a sofa. The sofa, carpet and walls were pure white and immaculate. Not a spot anywhere. Andrew was standing there and he was dressed up.

I told him that some people wanted to come in and that I had told them to come back later because he was packing and he said...."It's okay, I'm done."

That was the end of the dream. It was so haunting to me that I have waited to write about it. I woke up and was overcome with the feeling that unlike me, he didn't feel "rushed" , on the contrary, everything was cleared out, cleaned up and he was "done", ready to relinquish the dwelling.

It was a good dream.

Tonight is Christmas Eve and I am missing my Andrew so much.
Someone said one time that Christmas is for kids, I don't believe that but I do believe that Christmas as we know it makes no sense without kids.

One of my oldest and dearest friends called me this evening to wish me a Merry Christmas. We talked for almost an hour and as we got ready to say goodbye she brought up Andrew. Her voice broke as she told me how she thinks of him all the time.

She went on to say that she could still see his smile and how when he looked at her she felt total acceptance from him. She said he had a look in his beautiful eyes of genuine interest in her and what she had to say. He made her feel important.

I had never ever thought about that but when she said it I recognised those traits in him immediately. It didn't matter if you were 3 years old or 103 he was the same with everyone. He would genuinely enjoy doing a puzzle with a child or going out with my friends for drinks. He never condescend to anyone. He enjoyed everyone he ever met.

Mychelle was right - he was the most loving genuine person that you would ever hope to know. I miss him so much, its just not Christmas without him.

Somethings only lost when you don't know where it is. I know where my Andrew is.

Andrew lived with the love of his life, Jamie, in St. Louis for several years. He joined a band and became best friends with the lead singer, a guy named Tony who dated Becka for many years. Jamie and Becka are now roommates.
On Andrew's birthday Jamie called me to tell me that she and Becka were celebrating Paco's birthday. She said they were wearing his clothes and we taking him out to eat and then for a day on the town. In the tradition of the traveling gnome they took his urn and set out to photgraph the celebration.
Just today I got to see the photo's - they made me laugh out loud - he would have loved this - this is so Paco.
I hope you can share the humor - he would have kept you laughing too if you had known him.

Andrew in Germany in 2000

I dreamed about Andrew Saturday night. I was driving down a highway and Andrew was in a separate car following me. We approach an incline, it wasn't steep but a gradual rise. Still, I couldn't see over the top - no idea what was ahead.
I glanced in my rear view mirror and realized Andrew was no longer behind me. I panicked. Night was falling and I was unsure what to do. Go back and look for him but then I was afraid I'd miss him somewhere on the road. So I kept driving for a while but I started getting too scared so I did turn around and start back. I thought maybe he had pulled off to get gas or use the rest room somewhere.

I seem to remember pulling over at a run down truck stop of some sort and being freaked out as to whether to go inside or keep looking for him outside. Then somehow I had a call from him and he told me not to freak out but to keep on going and he's see me "over there".

I didn't like this dream.