Joel and Andrew. Joel was born July 10th and Andrew was born August 12th.

This is probably the last picture the two of them are in. Andrew was in Joel's wedding. Joel is the groom (center) and Andrew is on his left (back row) and next to Joel (on his left and in front of Andrew) is his brother, my nephew, Ted.

On March 21st Joel and his wife Michelle welcomed their first child, a son, Levi into the world. He's a beautiful health little boy. I think he looks a lot like Joel but with dark hair like his mother.

My sister called me to tell me her grandson was here. My reaction to the news caught me by surprise. I was happy for her and for Joel and Michelle. Very very happy but at that exact moment when Vicki told me Levi had arrived I was abruptly thrust into the reality that I would never be a grandmother. Life had cheated me once again.

Please believe me when I say how happy I am for her but I would be lying if I didn't tell you the truth about the pain. For the first time in a long time it hurt as bad as losing Andrew. As she told me all about it I would gulp for air and force myself with every thing inside me to say things like "Oh, how sweet" or "Well Bless their hearts" but in between these little tiny sincere phrases I was screaming so loud no sound could come out. You know how it feels to stifle a laugh in church? Everything feels like it will explode? This is how it felt only in reverse. I thought my ear drums would burst from the pressure of holding in the scream.

I was afraid my voice would betray me and I didn't want anything to ruin her moment but as soon as I hung up the phone I grabbed a box of tissue and headed outside to the backyard swing where I sat and cried buckets for a very long time.

I cried it all out and then I was done. When Joel called me several days later I was able to talk to him without any problems. He told me all about the baby and we talked about how life would change. I love him and I couldn't be happier for him and his beautiful wife Michelle.

I look forward to seeing my new great-nephew. I have wonderful memories of my own great aunts, Carrie and Edna Mae, whom I loved very very much.