This Christmas , as every year - as every moment of every day I'm missing you Andrew.  I love you - Mom

Andrew and Jamie



I Know You By Heart by Eva Cassidy

Dear Andrew,

I love you so much. Its amazing you know, it hasn't faded even a little bit in four years. It never will. The love I feel is just as real and present as it was the day you were born. It doesn't get smaller just because your gone or time passes.

I had a talk with God today on my drive to work. I thanked him for choosing me to be the blessed one to have carried you in my heart from the moment of your conception to this very moment. I thanked him for choosing me to be your mother and have the privileged of your spending twenty six years with you. I was enriched beyond belief by your existence.

I miss your eyes, your smile, your humor and laughter, your annoying passion for lost causes, your cynical deconstruction of society , your lightning fast retorts and razor sharp wit. I miss the space you occupied and the air you breathed...its what made my life valid.

I'm looking forward to seeing your sparkling eyes and wonderful smile when its my turn to cross that river. Come wait for me on that day so I can tell you again how much I love and have missed you.

Love, Mom

I had a brief dream about Andrew last night. I don't remember much except he and I were walking down the street hand in hand. We stopped to talk to some folks and I was introducing them to my son. I think he was about 9 or 10 years old in last nights dream. He and I had very good times together when he was about that age. We went everywhere and had some great adventures together.

I woke up while dreaming of him and I prayed and prayed for him to come back to me in the dream when I went back to sleep....sleep didn't come. I was awake for over an hour.

But for a little while things seemed normal - like the old days - and I was happy.

HAPPY 30th BIRTHDAY PACO!

Andrew, me and Jamie 2005

I haven't dreamed about Andrew in such a long time. Not that I can remember anyway. And then last night I dreamed they came to tell me he had died and I said, "I always knew this was going to happen and I'm glad its finally over."

What in the world to you think that means?

I know its been a long time since I've posted here but please don't think that means Andrew isn't isn't in my thoughts every minute and second of my day - he is. I still dream about him but I'm having a hard time remembering the dreams long enough to record them. I wake up knowing I dreamed about him but it fades immediately. My grief ebbs and flows like the great wave of tears that it is.

My coworkers and friends are loving and accommodating. They allow me to talk about him without showing any outward signs of being uncomfortable. One of my coworkers is especially generous to me - she jokes with me that Andrew is with me pulling pranks like misplacing important paperwork or locking my desk with no key to open it only to unlock it without warning. She and I both know that he's not a ghost, that's me remember, but she says that after hearing me talk about him she knows he would do those kinds of things if he were here. She's right and it makes me proud to know that I am conveying his life so accurately that a woman who has never met him can sit around and talk like she knew him for years - thanks Nikki - you'll never know what it means to me.

There is one young student we have in our program who reminds me so much of Andrew. He is small in stature like Andrew, his features are slightly similar but what is dead on (pun not intended but considered and left in place) is his personality and demeanor. He talks like Andrew, walks like him, writes lyrics all day long instead of working just like Andrew. The other day he had his earphones in his ears and he was dancing and I had to laugh - he dances just like Andrew.

My coworkers already know better than to ask for my input about his case management because I am apologetically biased when it comes to him.

He makes me smile, and then he makes me cry. I miss my son.

There are many reasons why I want to go to Heaven. Here are the two most precious earthly reasons. My grandmother and my son.

This morning when the sun came through my window and gently woke me, I gave thanks for a risen saviour. Then I thought of all those I love who have passed on and how I look to the promise of being reunited with them.

Andrew and me 1980

Recently someone mentioned their children and grandchildren and then followed up the statement by saying how blessed they were. Then they realized that I have neither of my own. They instantly felt awkward and fumbled to find the right thing to say.

Listen, its important for me to say that I too am very, very blessed.

I am blessed to have the experience of being the mother and acquaintance of the most remarkable person in the world. From the moment of his birth to the day of his departure he was a constant source of wonder. I wouldn't trade the opportunity to be Andrew's mother for 26 years for 100 years with another child.

He had such a way about him, I wish you could have known him. Each day with him was priceless.

Not that he was perfect. He struggled with his health, his academics and his employment. But what he had in place of these things was so much more. He had a heart that was so big that it made room for everyone. He had a sense of humor that made you laugh until you begged for a breath. He had an intellect that was so self possessed that he found no need to waste it on school work choosing rather to immerse himself in things that elude most common people. He was sweet and loving and funny but I guess the thing that was most prominent was his spirit...he has a beautiful spirit. I miss witnessing that.

Andrew - Age 1

I had a dream several weeks ago. I dreamed I was standing in the front yard of a rental that Andrew was moving out of. A family of three came up to me and said they wanted to see the house because they were interested in renting it. I was very put out because Andrew was in the process of trying to pack and I knew the house was in a terrible mess and this just wasn't a good time to have people tramping through. I told these people it would be better if they came back another day but they were insistent. I warned them that the house was in a big mess but they didn't care.

I asked them to wait outside and I would go and check with Andrew to see if they could come in. When I entered the house I was completely shocked to see the room was empty except for a sofa. The sofa, carpet and walls were pure white and immaculate. Not a spot anywhere. Andrew was standing there and he was dressed up.

I told him that some people wanted to come in and that I had told them to come back later because he was packing and he said...."It's okay, I'm done."

That was the end of the dream. It was so haunting to me that I have waited to write about it. I woke up and was overcome with the feeling that unlike me, he didn't feel "rushed" , on the contrary, everything was cleared out, cleaned up and he was "done", ready to relinquish the dwelling.

It was a good dream.