Today is the 6th anniversary of my son's passing.  It totally blows my mind to think that he's been gone six years.  You know, you never think you can make it one day or one year after something like this happens and yet here it is six years later...

You hear people say they resent the passing of time because they get older, gray hair shows up - wrinkles...Or they complain that the car is old and worn out, the kids are growing up....

But I resent time for passing - period!  I don't want it to be six years since I last saw Andrew...heard his voice...this has been so damn unfair.

A birthday present from Heaven.

When I was 17 years old I traveled to Las Cruces, NM to visit my best friend, Marilyn.  She was a student at NM State.  While there I spotted this poster for sale at the campus book store and purchased it.  It has hung in every home I lived in from 1974 to about 2000. 

Andrew grew up seeing this poster and he always loved it.  When he moved into his first home in about 2000 or possibly 2001 he asked if he could have it.  I hated to part with it but I knew how much he admired it so I gave in.  

As is expected with someone young, he moved several times and somewhere along the way the poster disappeared.  I thought little about it until about two years ago when it crossed my mind.  Myself and a dear coworker, Nikki Avery, spent an entire afternoon trying to locate it on the internet with no luck.  I had given up and to be very honest, had begun to forget what it even looked like.

Then on June 11th, my birthday,  I was at work and on my lunch break when I decided to relax in the employee lounge for a while and spend some time on the computer.  I happened to log into Pinterest and there it was.  I was feeling pretty low that day up until that  moment and in that moment I felt like I had been given a very special birthday present.

Rather than search this lead for another poster, which I really don't have room for I printed of an 8x10 copy of this print and hung it in my bedroom where I can see it when I first wake up in the morning.  Can you think of a better way to start the day?  I can't.

I dreamed of Andrew last night. In my dream he was about the age as he was in this photo. I had taken him to a new day care center and was apparently enrolling him so he could start attending. The center was hidden from the road by a dense row of trees. He and I went in the front door and as I looked out of the windows into the back yard "play ground" it was a beautiful flower garden with a thick lush lawn. There was a deep blue pond for swimming. They sat Andrew down and gave him lunch.
At another table sat a boy named Sean who was looked to be about 2 years old. In real life he and Andrew grew up together. In fact I babysat Sean from age 18 months through his third grade. He and Andrew were close friends, Andrew was a year or so older so they were almost like brothers.
In my dream he was also eating lunch but unexpectedly he pulled open the front of his diaper and dumped his food into his diaper. I looked at Andrew and said "Don't even think about it." But little Andrew didn't seem to be thinking about it - he was just sitting there eating his lunch.
Then I went outside to wait for his father to arrive. I could barely see his vehicle on the other side of the trees.
Dreams are so strange, I know I say that a lot. I struggled when the alarm clock rang to try and go back to sleep. I couldn't start the dream again but I did have a feeling that I was still "in the spirit" (for lack of a better term) where I had experienced being with my son. I linger there as long as I could. I finally got up very sad and weepy, feeling the pain of my loss stronger than I had in a long time. It was later when I realized that when I dream of Andrew as a teen or a grown man I come away feeling happy that I saw him in my dreams. When I dream about him being a child I come away sad for myself and in pain.
But it doesn't matter, I would give anything to dream of him every single time I closed my eyes.

Last night I dreamed about Andrew. I was in a town I have never seen and I was with him and some of his friends (none of which looked familiar) and we were all eating and laughing at an outdoor restaurant. It was a beautiful sunny day. Then we decided to go back to my home and and Andrew and another guy took off walking down the street. I hollered at him and told him to wait and we'd go together and he said "You go your way and I'll go mine and I'll meet you at the house." When I got home I was living in an apartment and it had a bay window that looked into the interior hallway of the apartment building. I had sheer white curtains over the windows and when Andrew arrived he and a group of friends were out in the hall and having a good time joking and laughing. He never came inside and all I could do was to watch him through the sheer curtains.

Pretty obvious dream don't you think?

I briefly dreamed about Andrew again last night and I clearly remember telling myself to remember it...but I didn't. I have tried all morning but it won't come back to me.

I dreamed about Andrew again last night.
I dreamed I was sleeping in my old room in the house I grew up in. Andrew was a baby about six month old and was sleeping in his room when I woke up hearing him cry. I went to his room and picked him up and held him close to me to comfort me. I took him back into my room and laid him down in a crib I had in my room and went back to bed. Then I heard him crying again from his room (again) but he was still laying in the crib in my room. I went to his room and there he was again only this time he was about a year old. Again I picked him up and hugged him and loved on him and took him back to my room and put him in the crib with his other self. Then I pushed the crib up next to the bed so that when I lay down I could reach through the rails and touch them both. And then we all went back to sleep.

I dreamed about Andrew last night.

I dreamed he and I were living together in a tiny apartment and not able to pay the bills. He had hopes of moving into his own place but just no money. We were struggling so much that we talked about moving home to live with my mom. Something we really didn't want to do but it seemed like our only option.

My mother passed away when I was 19 years old...4 years before Andrew was born. Dreams are strange.

Happy 2012/Earth Andrew.
I still miss you so much I can hardly breath at times. I've said it before - the pain never fades because the love never fades.