HAPPY 30th BIRTHDAY PACO!

Andrew, me and Jamie 2005

I haven't dreamed about Andrew in such a long time. Not that I can remember anyway. And then last night I dreamed they came to tell me he had died and I said, "I always knew this was going to happen and I'm glad its finally over."

What in the world to you think that means?

I know its been a long time since I've posted here but please don't think that means Andrew isn't isn't in my thoughts every minute and second of my day - he is. I still dream about him but I'm having a hard time remembering the dreams long enough to record them. I wake up knowing I dreamed about him but it fades immediately. My grief ebbs and flows like the great wave of tears that it is.

My coworkers and friends are loving and accommodating. They allow me to talk about him without showing any outward signs of being uncomfortable. One of my coworkers is especially generous to me - she jokes with me that Andrew is with me pulling pranks like misplacing important paperwork or locking my desk with no key to open it only to unlock it without warning. She and I both know that he's not a ghost, that's me remember, but she says that after hearing me talk about him she knows he would do those kinds of things if he were here. She's right and it makes me proud to know that I am conveying his life so accurately that a woman who has never met him can sit around and talk like she knew him for years - thanks Nikki - you'll never know what it means to me.

There is one young student we have in our program who reminds me so much of Andrew. He is small in stature like Andrew, his features are slightly similar but what is dead on (pun not intended but considered and left in place) is his personality and demeanor. He talks like Andrew, walks like him, writes lyrics all day long instead of working just like Andrew. The other day he had his earphones in his ears and he was dancing and I had to laugh - he dances just like Andrew.

My coworkers already know better than to ask for my input about his case management because I am apologetically biased when it comes to him.

He makes me smile, and then he makes me cry. I miss my son.

There are many reasons why I want to go to Heaven. Here are the two most precious earthly reasons. My grandmother and my son.

This morning when the sun came through my window and gently woke me, I gave thanks for a risen saviour. Then I thought of all those I love who have passed on and how I look to the promise of being reunited with them.

Andrew and me 1980

Recently someone mentioned their children and grandchildren and then followed up the statement by saying how blessed they were. Then they realized that I have neither of my own. They instantly felt awkward and fumbled to find the right thing to say.

Listen, its important for me to say that I too am very, very blessed.

I am blessed to have the experience of being the mother and acquaintance of the most remarkable person in the world. From the moment of his birth to the day of his departure he was a constant source of wonder. I wouldn't trade the opportunity to be Andrew's mother for 26 years for 100 years with another child.

He had such a way about him, I wish you could have known him. Each day with him was priceless.

Not that he was perfect. He struggled with his health, his academics and his employment. But what he had in place of these things was so much more. He had a heart that was so big that it made room for everyone. He had a sense of humor that made you laugh until you begged for a breath. He had an intellect that was so self possessed that he found no need to waste it on school work choosing rather to immerse himself in things that elude most common people. He was sweet and loving and funny but I guess the thing that was most prominent was his spirit...he has a beautiful spirit. I miss witnessing that.

Andrew - Age 1

I had a dream several weeks ago. I dreamed I was standing in the front yard of a rental that Andrew was moving out of. A family of three came up to me and said they wanted to see the house because they were interested in renting it. I was very put out because Andrew was in the process of trying to pack and I knew the house was in a terrible mess and this just wasn't a good time to have people tramping through. I told these people it would be better if they came back another day but they were insistent. I warned them that the house was in a big mess but they didn't care.

I asked them to wait outside and I would go and check with Andrew to see if they could come in. When I entered the house I was completely shocked to see the room was empty except for a sofa. The sofa, carpet and walls were pure white and immaculate. Not a spot anywhere. Andrew was standing there and he was dressed up.

I told him that some people wanted to come in and that I had told them to come back later because he was packing and he said...."It's okay, I'm done."

That was the end of the dream. It was so haunting to me that I have waited to write about it. I woke up and was overcome with the feeling that unlike me, he didn't feel "rushed" , on the contrary, everything was cleared out, cleaned up and he was "done", ready to relinquish the dwelling.

It was a good dream.

Tonight is Christmas Eve and I am missing my Andrew so much.
Someone said one time that Christmas is for kids, I don't believe that but I do believe that Christmas as we know it makes no sense without kids.

One of my oldest and dearest friends called me this evening to wish me a Merry Christmas. We talked for almost an hour and as we got ready to say goodbye she brought up Andrew. Her voice broke as she told me how she thinks of him all the time.

She went on to say that she could still see his smile and how when he looked at her she felt total acceptance from him. She said he had a look in his beautiful eyes of genuine interest in her and what she had to say. He made her feel important.

I had never ever thought about that but when she said it I recognised those traits in him immediately. It didn't matter if you were 3 years old or 103 he was the same with everyone. He would genuinely enjoy doing a puzzle with a child or going out with my friends for drinks. He never condescend to anyone. He enjoyed everyone he ever met.

Mychelle was right - he was the most loving genuine person that you would ever hope to know. I miss him so much, its just not Christmas without him.

Somethings only lost when you don't know where it is. I know where my Andrew is.

Andrew lived with the love of his life, Jamie, in St. Louis for several years. He joined a band and became best friends with the lead singer, a guy named Tony who dated Becka for many years. Jamie and Becka are now roommates.
On Andrew's birthday Jamie called me to tell me that she and Becka were celebrating Paco's birthday. She said they were wearing his clothes and we taking him out to eat and then for a day on the town. In the tradition of the traveling gnome they took his urn and set out to photgraph the celebration.
Just today I got to see the photo's - they made me laugh out loud - he would have loved this - this is so Paco.
I hope you can share the humor - he would have kept you laughing too if you had known him.

Andrew in Germany in 2000

I dreamed about Andrew Saturday night. I was driving down a highway and Andrew was in a separate car following me. We approach an incline, it wasn't steep but a gradual rise. Still, I couldn't see over the top - no idea what was ahead.
I glanced in my rear view mirror and realized Andrew was no longer behind me. I panicked. Night was falling and I was unsure what to do. Go back and look for him but then I was afraid I'd miss him somewhere on the road. So I kept driving for a while but I started getting too scared so I did turn around and start back. I thought maybe he had pulled off to get gas or use the rest room somewhere.

I seem to remember pulling over at a run down truck stop of some sort and being freaked out as to whether to go inside or keep looking for him outside. Then somehow I had a call from him and he told me not to freak out but to keep on going and he's see me "over there".

I didn't like this dream.

Andrew and Joel 1981

Me, my great nephew Levi and his dad - my nephew Joel. August 12, 2009

I was blessed to be able to go home to New Mexico the first part of August. During this trip I got to meet my new great nephew, Levi. He's a little doll and I love him dearly.

What made this meeting truly bittersweet is the fact that it took place on August 12th...Andrew's birthday.

I have mentioned on my other blogs I seem to be extra tired since that trip. Probably did too much....or didn't do enough...or just wish it would have lasted longer or maybe that it would never have ended at all.

Whatever the reason I have decided that for the time being I'm going to limit my posts to this blog to one per month. I feel this blog is my most important writing and I want to give you (and me) the very best I have to offer. I think by limiting the posting I would be more apt to give it my best effort if I took my time.

It seems its been hard to begin lately, maybe the this limitation will encourage a necessity for quality...he, you, me, all of us deserve that.

Today, July 19th makes 1000 days since my precious Andrew left us.

Someone left this on my comment section today - don't know who you are , I have a hunch, but thank you anyway. It means a lot to me.

Dear readers - I have mentioned before about Andrew being in a punk band clled This Strange Device. This is a clip of one of thier performances. Andrew is the one closest to the camera - bottom left of your frame - mostly the back of his head but its him all the same.

Thank you again who ever you are - I love you for this!

(*LANGUAGE WARNING* - YOU MIGHT WANT TO TURN YOUR VOLUMN DOWN )
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I have been very tired for a while now. And in addition I have been missing Andrew so much lately. I seem to cry at the drop of a hat.

A couple of weeks ago I had a very bad night. Many things were going wrong. I couldn't sleep. I was too warm, tossing and turning endlessly. Add to that the fact that I had a terrible cough that I couldn't seem to conquer. I had coughed so much that it felt like I had pulled all the muscles in my back and ribs. Painful to move and yet I couldn't lay still. There was more but I'll stop with this since I'm starting to bore myself. But I will confess that in one moment of fatigue and frustration I silently wished I would not see another morning.

I had been awake all night when I finally drifted off just as the sky was beginning to become light. I woke up suddenly a hour and a half later having dreamed about Andrew.

In my dream Andrew came to where I was and I was so happy. I said, "Andrew I am so happy to see you." I started walking toward him as I continued. "I have been missing you and wanting to see you." At this point I put out my arms to embrace him.

He never said a word. From the beginning he had looked straight at me with a very stern look on his face. When I tried to hug him he pulled back and away from my grasp and kind of sneered at my attempted affection ever so slightly.

That was it - he was gone as suddenly as he arrived.

What did it mean? You tell me, but then again I'm sure I know.

This is a beautiful tiny lake in Santa Rosa called Blue Hole.

Its spring fed from the bottom so year round its the same temperature and this clear. The square shape you see in this picture is a diving platform. Skin divers dive down to this platform which I believe is 15 feet down. There is one below that which is 25 feet.

Andrew and his best friend Matt would spend every free minute swimming here. They would dive off the rocky edge and swim down to the first platform.

The photo below shows the rock shelf on side wall of the lake. Its so clear and so beautiful - you can look up videos about it on YouTube.

This is a photo of Andrew swimming up from the platform.

And here he is - standing on the rock shelf in photo three.

Andrew was seven years old in this picture. He was playing in the Pacific Ocean - St. Augustine if I remember correctly. His father, Grandma Nini, he and I were on vacation. We had left DisneyWorld and were head north to visit his Auntie Vera and Uncle EJ (Robert's sister and her husband).

I realize this isn't the clearest picture but I posted it for a reason. I have had two recent, very brief dreams about Andrew both having to do with water.

One was on Easter, I dreamed I was standing on a beach very much like this one. Andrew and his best friend from Santa Rosa, Matt, were swimming and playing in the water. It had no far shore so it seemed to be an ocean but it was completely still. No waves - no movement. The only ripples were the ones made by the boys. The sky was a calm haze. No sun and no real clouds just a pale apricot color. This was a particularly quiet dream - no sound that I can remember...

The other one was early this morning. I dreamed Andrew was about 13 or 14 years old and I left him while I went somewhere. I was walking down the road and the water was coming up on both sides of the road. No storm, no wind, no sound, just rising water and I begin to panic because I realized that the water was going to cover the road and I wouldn't be able to get back to where Andrew was so I gave up going the way I was and turned around to get back as fast as I could. All the time I'm watching the water and it kept rising.

I finally got back and went into a classroom where I knew Andrew was. He was sitting in a desk on the front row and the teacher was telling him not to move his desk at all - to leave it right where it was. And Andrew (being Andrew) immediately scooted it as far forward as he possible could until his nose was almost touching the blackboard. He was laughing that he had done it.

And that was it -

Joel and Andrew. Joel was born July 10th and Andrew was born August 12th.

This is probably the last picture the two of them are in. Andrew was in Joel's wedding. Joel is the groom (center) and Andrew is on his left (back row) and next to Joel (on his left and in front of Andrew) is his brother, my nephew, Ted.

On March 21st Joel and his wife Michelle welcomed their first child, a son, Levi into the world. He's a beautiful health little boy. I think he looks a lot like Joel but with dark hair like his mother.

My sister called me to tell me her grandson was here. My reaction to the news caught me by surprise. I was happy for her and for Joel and Michelle. Very very happy but at that exact moment when Vicki told me Levi had arrived I was abruptly thrust into the reality that I would never be a grandmother. Life had cheated me once again.

Please believe me when I say how happy I am for her but I would be lying if I didn't tell you the truth about the pain. For the first time in a long time it hurt as bad as losing Andrew. As she told me all about it I would gulp for air and force myself with every thing inside me to say things like "Oh, how sweet" or "Well Bless their hearts" but in between these little tiny sincere phrases I was screaming so loud no sound could come out. You know how it feels to stifle a laugh in church? Everything feels like it will explode? This is how it felt only in reverse. I thought my ear drums would burst from the pressure of holding in the scream.

I was afraid my voice would betray me and I didn't want anything to ruin her moment but as soon as I hung up the phone I grabbed a box of tissue and headed outside to the backyard swing where I sat and cried buckets for a very long time.

I cried it all out and then I was done. When Joel called me several days later I was able to talk to him without any problems. He told me all about the baby and we talked about how life would change. I love him and I couldn't be happier for him and his beautiful wife Michelle.

I look forward to seeing my new great-nephew. I have wonderful memories of my own great aunts, Carrie and Edna Mae, whom I loved very very much.

I had the strangest dream early last Sunday morning. I dreamed I was in a house. It was apparently my house but it was so bizarre. It had levels upon levels and each level was a room. The rooms would have a floor and one or two walls but no ceiling, very open. These various room were suspended and connected by staircases.

It was as though the house was in outer space as it was dark all around and there was a thunderstorm off to the left side (ha ha, I'm laughing at myself as I type...who ever heard of "the left side" of a dream) When the lightning would flash it would light up a gorgeous purple velvet clouded sky.

In my dream I was running around trying to light candles in each of the rooms in case the electricity went out. Andrew was in one of these rooms. It was like "his" bedroom. And he was dressed in a costume...a drag costume. He was getting ready to go to a party.

I didn't have a chance to stop and talk to him because I was so busy trying to get these candles lit. They were hard to light and were flickering a lot even though there was no wind.

And then I woke up!

Andrew in 7th Grade
I have mentioned before that Andrew's father was in the National Guard consequently each month he would have a weekend where he had to report for drill. Andrew and I took full advantage of these weekends to go and do things that he and I loved.
We would go to museums and antiques stores (yes Andrew loved antique stores). We regularly went to Old Town (Albuquerque) where we would spend the entire day. We would visit the great shops and eat in the wonderful restaurants like La Hacienda where we would both faithfully order red chile cheese enchiladas.

Now about the time this school picture was taken Andrew and I had our best outing ever. We spent the day in Santa Fe. It was a day I will never forget as long as I live. We both dressed up and headed out early for Santa Fe. Our first stop was the Santa Fe Plaza where we visited the Georgia O Keefe Museum located in the Palace of the Govenors. Then we had lunch at the La Fonda Hotel. We dined on, you guessed it, enchiladas in the hotel restarant and were pleasantly surprised to run into old friends. Following lunch we went to Canyon Road where we spent the afternoon going from one Gallery to another feasting our eyes on all the art.

One very special stop was at what was then called The Fenn Gallery where we saw many works by The Toas Six impressionists. Andrew was especially intriqued by the sculpture garden.

We returned home to Albuquerque by way of Galisteo where I had lived for a time before getting married. Andrew and I stopped and visited the family of the young man I had once been engaged to. Gracious and loving people I still revere.

Andrew was always good compeny no matter what his age was. Even as a young boy he was intelligent and very witty. I enjoyed every minute I spent with him. Several weeks before he passed away he was here for visit and my best friend Jody and her husband were also at our home for the weekend. When the weekend ended Jody and Kevin had enjoyed Andrew and Jamie's company so much that they made plans to get together again. Andrew was very comfortable with any age range and could always hold his own in a conversation.


It was on this trip that Andrew discovered The Ventures. I had a "greatest hits" tape and he fell in love with the music. We played the tape over and over while traveling. After much debate we finally decided that Apache was the best cut on the tape followed very closely by Telstar.

Music was one of the many things I shared with my son..