It has been six months since Andrew passed away. Feels like it just happened six hours ago and at the same time it seems like 600 hundred years since I've seen him, heard his voice.
A friend of mine who lost her granddaughter recently asked me if it begins to get better. The answer is no.
The shock wears off but it never gets any better.
What does happen is that you become very skilled at incorporating it into your life. You become a master at holding back tears. You learn to lie without blinking when folks casually ask you how you are. You deliver an stellar performance worthy of an Oscar when people want to show you photos of their children. You can go to work and smile and do your job without any visible sign that for you the earth now rotates in the opposite direction and gravity is starting to disappear. You are the only one aware of the fact that at any moment you won't have the strength to keep the world from coming part at the seams.
How do you become so adept at all of this? Well, you have been practicing for 24 hours a day, seven days a week. And you trust, and you pray and most of all your ability to see beyond this world becomes amazingly clear. For the first time you realize how fleeting this life is and that nothing you do in this life, outside of getting ready for what comes next, matters.
I loved and raised a wonderful boy. His life was fleeting. I look forward to what comes next. My only job is to run the good race until then.
2 comments:
Your writing brings me to tears. I feel his presence through you. I have two sons and because of a tragic and bizarre event, I have not spoken to them, for 4 years. One son I have not seen in 5. The prospects of this situation ever being resolved are dim. So, though my sons are alive and physically well, I suffer each day a similar pain. I just hold on, try to accept this fate and attempt to make others smile, or enjoy the goofy side of me, which I view as a good thing to give. That seems to ease my pain.
Naquaiya - I will keep you and your sons in my prayers. I have no idea what your situation is but nothing is final until its really final...and even then...there is a force at work that does not know the bounderies of mere time...
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