September 27,2006 - The last picture of Andrew and me taken on the last day I saw him -

The question has recently been raised as to why people blog. Everyone has his or her reasons. Personally I have four blogs and my reasons for each of them is unique to the subject matter. So I'll attempt to post an article on why I write The Zen.

I created The Zen of Paco out of a desperate need to write it all down. I had so much in my head and in my heart that I wanted to say. I desperately needed comfort and had read everything I could find on the subject of grief and grieving but nothing addressed my specific needs. I now realize that grieving is so personal that no one experience will ever be applicable to another person. That's just the way it is. I guess if I could give anyone any really valuable advice it would be to not look for any and don't take any. Just let it be what it is.

Oh I would add one more thing that I do believe is universal...I would say that its quite normal to be losing your mind. It is. How could you not lose your mind when you've lost someone you love. Its normal. It begins to change however. Notice I didn't say that it begins to get better - it doesn't -but you become familiar with its presence. You begin to fit it into your life so you can function again. And you don't like it, but for the first time in your life you realize that you really have no control. This thing has happened to you and that's it. - no room for negotiation.

I do believe I have railed as much against my own ego in accepting that I was powerless to influence this thing as I have railed against the unfairness and sorrow.

I also created this blog because I had so much I wanted to say to my son. So much I wanted him to know. As I look back from this very slight distance I feel confident that he knew the depth of my love and by belief in him. I feel sure he knew I revered him as a human being and that I recognised his gifts and talents....but I would give anything if I had said it a million times more.

He was so incredible. I wanted to share him with all of you and tell you stories about him and not let you see the tears rolling down my face when I did, and not see the pity in your eyes as you listened.

And finally it was important to me to draw a line in the sand. I am a woman of strong unshakable faith in my God and in his son Jesus. Death is not from God and it was important to me to let the devil know that I know exactly who to blame for all of this and I wasn't going to suffer quietly and question God. Instead I chose to use this blog as a way of documenting my faith for all to be witness to. Its all down in writing, nothing left to do but wait....