Joel and Andrew. Joel was born July 10th and Andrew was born August 12th.
This is probably the last picture the two of them are in. Andrew was in Joel's wedding. Joel is the groom (center) and Andrew is on his left (back row) and next to Joel (on his left and in front of Andrew) is his brother, my nephew, Ted.
On March 21st Joel and his wife Michelle welcomed their first child, a son, Levi into the world. He's a beautiful health little boy. I think he looks a lot like Joel but with dark hair like his mother.My sister called me to tell me her grandson was here. My reaction to the news caught me by surprise. I was happy for her and for Joel and Michelle. Very very happy but at that exact moment when Vicki told me Levi had arrived I was abruptly thrust into the reality that I would never be a grandmother. Life had cheated me once again.
Please believe me when I say how happy I am for her but I would be lying if I didn't tell you the truth about the pain. For the first time in a long time it hurt as bad as losing Andrew. As she told me all about it I would gulp for air and force myself with every thing inside me to say things like "Oh, how sweet" or "Well Bless their hearts" but in between these little tiny sincere phrases I was screaming so loud no sound could come out. You know how it feels to stifle a laugh in church? Everything feels like it will explode? This is how it felt only in reverse. I thought my ear drums would burst from the pressure of holding in the scream.
I was afraid my voice would betray me and I didn't want anything to ruin her moment but as soon as I hung up the phone I grabbed a box of tissue and headed outside to the backyard swing where I sat and cried buckets for a very long time.
I cried it all out and then I was done. When Joel called me several days later I was able to talk to him without any problems. He told me all about the baby and we talked about how life would change. I love him and I couldn't be happier for him and his beautiful wife Michelle.
I look forward to seeing my new great-nephew. I have wonderful memories of my own great aunts, Carrie and Edna Mae, whom I loved very very much.
10 comments:
That is SOOOO understandable and you got it out and now you can feel their happiness, but how very hard for you.
Thanks for your comment. I really do think I'm totally over it -
Aww Cara, huge hugs!!! I'm glad you are feeling better. One of my favorite quotes is, "You never know how strong you are until strong is your only choice"
You've been dealt quite a hand the last year and a 1/2 and have handled things better than I think I ever could. Inspirational isn't a strong enough word for you. It is always apparent why Andrew was such an amazing man! He has an amazing family!
Thank you Toni - but you know what? Its been 2 1/2 years since Andrew died - can you believe it? I never thought I would survive one day and yet here I am...
Gosh, you are right. I'm sorry! I was thinking ahead of my typing. You are very strong!
Oh my dear Cara..
it had been such a difficult moment for you. I know... guess it's a little like when i hear friends bragging abt their own husbands.. i am happy for them, really- but just so hard for me to stay on to hear anymore of it.
Silver -
It is such a weird place to be. I don't want people to avoid me or shield me from sharing things in thier lives but it does hurt sometimes.
I think its hard for others to realize that they aren't they cause of the pain, they feel responsible for making us sad but its not them - its what has happened.
So I do that "silent screaming" thing that I have learned to do, and go on...
Thanks for visiting!
Such a huge loss. {{{{Cara}}}}
I hope you get to see the baby often.
I won't get to see them much - they are back in NM.
uhhhh!!! thanks for posting the fat swollen picture of me. this picture keeps popping up all over the place. i just cant seem to get away from it. does everyone have to see how i looked after having levi???
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