Here he is in his blue footie pajamas holding a rag doll I made. This would have been right before bedtime. There's that smile again....

It has been six months since Andrew passed away. Feels like it just happened six hours ago and at the same time it seems like 600 hundred years since I've seen him, heard his voice.

A friend of mine who lost her granddaughter recently asked me if it begins to get better. The answer is no.

The shock wears off but it never gets any better.

What does happen is that you become very skilled at incorporating it into your life. You become a master at holding back tears. You learn to lie without blinking when folks casually ask you how you are. You deliver an stellar performance worthy of an Oscar when people want to show you photos of their children. You can go to work and smile and do your job without any visible sign that for you the earth now rotates in the opposite direction and gravity is starting to disappear. You are the only one aware of the fact that at any moment you won't have the strength to keep the world from coming part at the seams.

How do you become so adept at all of this? Well, you have been practicing for 24 hours a day, seven days a week. And you trust, and you pray and most of all your ability to see beyond this world becomes amazingly clear. For the first time you realize how fleeting this life is and that nothing you do in this life, outside of getting ready for what comes next, matters.

I loved and raised a wonderful boy. His life was fleeting. I look forward to what comes next. My only job is to run the good race until then.

Andrew's incredible smile and dancing eyes - priceless.

Five years ago today Andrew and Jamie became a couple.

Just to let you all know. Andrew’s girlfriend Jamie had an emergency appendectomy last night but she is back home tonight and doing well.

Although this isn't the most flattering photo of Andrew I decided to post it because its a great picture of him with his Grandma Nini (Adelina Romero).

First Easter 1981
Second Easter at my Grandmother's house in Albuquerque, NM
Andrew's cousin Joel and Andrew
Andrew, my grandmother Nonnie, Joel and Joel's big brother Ted with his arm around Nonnie
Third Easter -
Wishing you all a blessed and happy Easter.

Below I have posted an exerpt from an email I sent my nephew Joel when asked how I was doing.

You asked me how I was and like I said, its a complicated answer. I laughingly answer when someone asks how I am, "I'm a hostile witness but that's okay." Folks who have the time to listen will stop to ask what in the world I mean. Then my story unfolds. I tell them that I have had the unpleasant privilege of knowing without any shadow of a doubt that I do in fact believe in Jesus and trust God. I tell them what happened and then I add that throughout my life I've always been a believer but its easy to have faith when it costs you nothing. Its easy to go to church, raise your hands, sing your hymns and drop your tarnished silver in the plate but it counts for little while things are going good. We can say we trust God and have faith and when he heals our loved ones or helps us out of a tough spot we can give him the credit but it means nothing without a standard by which to compare it to. Mercifully most of us never have to experience the standard of measurement. We get to keep going only imagining how devastating things could actually be. And I would never wish this reality on anyone I love but.... There is a rare blessing in having to turn over your greatest earthly treasure and still being able to say to God, I trust you. Joel, there is no way for me to explain this. I always knew I believed but it was never tested. Few people get the verification of their personal faith...it is a privilege, I didn't want it, but it is something of rare value. In addition there is a level of fellowship that I would have never experienced outside of this tragedy. The grace and blessings from family and friends have been amazing. People say all the time "Have you gotten mad at God yet for taking Andrew?" I say no, I trust his timing and his wisdom. Most people don't believe me and try to talk me into being mad but I'm not. The strangest thing I hadn't counted on has been God's silence. I have see him moving through others and the fact that I haven't jumped off a bridge is also due to him but I have to admit that I really expected something more direct. He remains quiet but loving and I accept that. I think for the most part what I want to talk about is probably none of my business right now. You know, things like "why?". I was feeling pretty sorry for myself about all this until I heard a preacher on the radio say that sometimes God is silent and we don't know why and he illustrated that by reminding us that even Jesus in his hour of need at the cross found his own father silent. The preacher said that this is one of the mysteries of God. I heard a preacher about 20 years ago talking about the error of "predestination". He used the example that God doesn't preordain that we will do this or that but he does know in advance what we will do. Then he explained it this way, for us time on earth moves horizontally. From beginning to end in a line. But for God sitting high on his throne time on earth moved vertically. He can see it all at once. Our birth, life and death is all able to be seen from his vantage point. Much like if we were on a hill that overlooks a town, we would be able to see a car leave is garage on one side and drive>west toward a washed out bridge. We don't make it go off the bridge but we know whats gonna happen (does that make sense?) Anyway, I kinda molded that notion to my own use. If there is anything to the theory that time moves vertically then the space between Andrews death and my own departure doesn't exist. I know, this isn't biblical but its interesting to ponder. Also, just for fun, one of my coworkers who was a math major in college helped me do a reverse calculation using the verse a day with the Lord is as a thousand years and a thousand years is as a day. Now keep in mind we took it completely out of context just for the sake of entertainment. He worked to fast for me to get it all but he figured that if the two time spans were interchangeable (and reversed) I could live another 30-40 years and it would be only about an hour in heaven. So sometimes when I'm really down I let myself think of it that way. I just keep telling myself, I'll be there in an hour.....

Oh well, you win some and you lose some.....

In the year 2000 Andrew's father worked in Kosovo for a year. At one point he arranged to take some time off and he had Andrew fly to Germany and meet him there for a vacation. This photo was taken in Germany and yes, Andrew had blond hair on this trip. You never knew what color hair he would have from one day to the next.

My sister Vicki had her son Joel 32 days before my son arrived. Joel and Andrew grew up more like brothers than cousins. That's me and Andrew on the right.

Here are a few pictures of Andrew with my grandmother Rubye Lee Jordan who everyone called Nonnie. She was the most wonderful woman in the world. Loved by everyone and greatly missed. When she died Andrew's father referred to her as the glue that held the family together. That was true but what she taught us has held us together still even though she's been gone for 14 years, and it always will.Our Nonnie was our example of what a good woman was. She loved Jesus and was a mighty prayer warrior. Gentle but uncompromising. She taught us all what it meant to be in a family both here on earth but more importantly, in the family of God. Her life was both a testimony and a witness.

She loved Andrew and he loved his Nonnie. Because Robert worked evenings Andrew and I went to her house every Friday night for supper and we had this little ritual we followed faithfully. We would set up our TV trays and fix our plates and settle in to watch TV. This was rare because for the most part my grandmother wouldn't watch much TV. But first it was Wheel of Fortune which we both loved to play along with. Then we watched Dukes of Hazzard which was Andrew's favorite and Dallas. She watched it carefully for any landmarks she might recognise. Gone from Dallas many, many years she could still pick out a few things that she recognised.

We'd return on Saturday to eat left overs and watch LoveBoat.

Those were precious years. I miss her so much. Sometimes it makes me smile thinking that Andrew is in Heaven with Nonnie, most times it just makes me cry.