I think what hurts me the most is that my son didn't want to die.
I know that's an absurd statement. No one wants to die. I don't even believe that people who commit suicide "want" to die.
No one wants to stop being. Its true. Even if your life is terrible you don't want to stop being as much as you want to stop being in the state you're in.
Honestly, isn't the desire to believe in reincarnation not about getting to live more or longer but rather getting to live better.
I used to really stand on my soap box about how selfish people are who commit suicide and have no sympathy for them. I've decided to modify my beliefs. I still believe that about people who "threaten" to commit suicide whether they follow through or not.
But now I think there are those who quietly slip away and do what they think they must do. Not so much by choice as by lack of options. And there in lies the true flaw in the process. It is not the lack of options but rather the inability to recognize the options.
And this too is forgivable. If you care traveling down the road in the light of day and you come to an intersection you can survey your surroundings and choose the best path. But if is nightfall. If it is dark. If clouds cover the light of the moon and you can't see the stars and you honestly believe there is only one path are you in fact accountable?
I'll concede that it may or may not be your fault that your traveling in the dark, but you can't control the clouds that cover the stars and moon, your eyes are only human eyes and cannot make out the other paths. Seldom can we control all the factors in our quest for the best solution.
So what's the answer?
Sit down and wait. That's the only thing I can come up with. Wait for the clouds to drift on by and the light of the moon to help you find a safe place to ...wait. Then you wait patiently for the sun to come up and then reassess your options and try to make the best decision based on having all the information available. Then if you make your very best choice and you chose the wrong path and fall off a cliff...well then...you didn't do it - it was an accident.
And all this sitting and waiting in the dark...how long do I wait? I don't know, I can't see my watch in the dark. How do I know its not futile? How do I know that the sun will eventually come up? I don't. I have no guarantees, I only have faith.
I know that's an absurd statement. No one wants to die. I don't even believe that people who commit suicide "want" to die.
No one wants to stop being. Its true. Even if your life is terrible you don't want to stop being as much as you want to stop being in the state you're in.
Honestly, isn't the desire to believe in reincarnation not about getting to live more or longer but rather getting to live better.
I used to really stand on my soap box about how selfish people are who commit suicide and have no sympathy for them. I've decided to modify my beliefs. I still believe that about people who "threaten" to commit suicide whether they follow through or not.
But now I think there are those who quietly slip away and do what they think they must do. Not so much by choice as by lack of options. And there in lies the true flaw in the process. It is not the lack of options but rather the inability to recognize the options.
And this too is forgivable. If you care traveling down the road in the light of day and you come to an intersection you can survey your surroundings and choose the best path. But if is nightfall. If it is dark. If clouds cover the light of the moon and you can't see the stars and you honestly believe there is only one path are you in fact accountable?
I'll concede that it may or may not be your fault that your traveling in the dark, but you can't control the clouds that cover the stars and moon, your eyes are only human eyes and cannot make out the other paths. Seldom can we control all the factors in our quest for the best solution.
So what's the answer?
Sit down and wait. That's the only thing I can come up with. Wait for the clouds to drift on by and the light of the moon to help you find a safe place to ...wait. Then you wait patiently for the sun to come up and then reassess your options and try to make the best decision based on having all the information available. Then if you make your very best choice and you chose the wrong path and fall off a cliff...well then...you didn't do it - it was an accident.
And all this sitting and waiting in the dark...how long do I wait? I don't know, I can't see my watch in the dark. How do I know its not futile? How do I know that the sun will eventually come up? I don't. I have no guarantees, I only have faith.
5 comments:
I had two brothers who committed suicide. One was 39, he was my baby brother, I was eight years older. He couldn't see the options I guess...He couldn't see his way in the dark. We didn't know he was floundering as he lived in another state.
My other brother was 26 and couldn't face the world either.
In the beginning I was angry and blamed them for their weakness. I grew out of that attitude when I realized how much pain you have to be in to put a gun to your head.
both of them went out that way...
several years apart...
so sad.
Sandy - I was so touched when I read your comment. I now know that there is a pain that is so consuming that daylight seems like it will never some. But I hold fast to the knowledge that I will see him again and we will have all eternity to never think of this again. Thank you for your caring.
This is an eloquent post Cara, and your faith is a beautiful thing.
Sandy, so sorry.
My uncle (by marriage) and another good friend both lost nephews (about 20 years old) to suicide recently.
I do think that sometimes the darkness is just too dark and I agree that if they COULD know that the next day could be better, they'd reconsider, but there's the problem. The pain is too great and they can't see the light.
Mary - Thank you for you comments. I am learning daily to become more and more compassionate. This has taught me that you can never begin to imagine another person's pain.
thanks Mary. I just happened to check back and saw your post. So sorry to hear about those two young men...
sandy
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