When the Creator sends you a message, you pay attention. This morning I had some time alone and I spent a long time having myself a good cry. I miss my son constantly but Christmas time is especially hard. As soon as I was done crying I set about to write a long over due letter to a dear friend. In this letter I shared my morning's all consuming grief. When I finished that letter I started a second one that I needed to send. It included similar information about how consumed I was with my loss. As I wrote the second email my cell phone alerted me to an incoming text message. It was sitting right next to my laptop so I glanced down and there was this message from an unknown number. What do you think? You may or may not think it means anything but I will tell you this, I straighten myself up, dried my tears and got up and made a huge batch of Christmas cookies.

Hi - been a long time I know.  Although I've posted this information on my other blogs I haven't posted on this one until now.  On January 11th I had a mammogram and didn't give it another thought until they called a few days later saying I needed to come into the office.

To make a long story short - breast cancer -stage 2 - very survivable.

February 20th I had a bi-lateral mastectomy and began reconstruction which was halted temporarily while I do chemo. Three weeks ago I had my first treatment and last week most my hair fell out.  I went into the salon and had the rest of it taken off.  I was surprised when I looked in the mirror and saw a very close resemblance of Andrew when he would buzz his hair in the summertime. 

I will do Chemo every three weeks for 3 to 5 months.  Aside from the hair issue the first round wasn't as bad as I thought it would be so I'm doing pretty good all in all.

But I've told you all this to tell you that whether it was the cancer or whether its the medicine to deal with the treatments I have very vivid and intense dreams.  The good part is that I dream of Andrew frequently and they have been nice dreams.  Most of them I can't recall but when I first open my eyes I know I dreamed about him but it fades immediately.

The last one was a couple of nights ago when I dreamed he was about 8 years old and he came into my bedroom and got into the bed and we laid there talking for what seemed in the dream for hours.

I can say this has been a bright spot in this recent journ

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Nightmare

I've had a rough couple of days.  There's more about that on "Bare Naked Me"  so last night we went to a charity 50's Sock Hop (to benefit the Honor Flight program) and had a very good time.  We got home after midnight and I wasn't in bed until after 1am.  I fell asleep quickly but had a horrible nightmare about Andrew. 

I dreamed we were away from home and for some reason Andrew, who appeared to be about 10 years old,  had to stay one night in a juvenile facility.  I was very upset and scared for him.  I was told that all the mothers could come and have dinner with the children and visit with them.  I was waiting nervously to see Andrew when they opened the door and let us in.  I couldn't find Andrew.  I looked and looked and he wasn't anywhere.  I checked every square inch and he just wasn't there and no one was being very helpful.  I kept feeling like they knew something but weren't telling me.  I begged them to help me find him but we never found him.  Finally they made me go home.

I woke up crying and cried for a long time.  It was 4am  and finally about an hour later I went back to sleep.  When I did, I dreamed that I was in a kitchen working  (I didn't recognise the house) and I looked out the window and saw Andrew laying on the ground.  I ran out the door and straight to him but woke up before I got to him.

This is the first time I've had a bad dream about Andrew.  I don't have a clue why I had the dream or what it meant.  But it made me terribly sad...and I'm still sad.