I seldom cry when I post something to The Zen, but this picture makes me cry.

When Andrew was 3 years old I quit my job to stay home with him. I was fortunate enough to stay home for the first 8 years that Andrew was in school. I still needed to have some income so I babysat. Andrew wasn't much over 5 years old in this picture. He decided to put on a puppet show for the kids I watched. He set it up and used his toys as the puppets. He did all the characters and thier voices. This was Andrew.

This picture makes me cry.

Crying...its one of those things that creeps people out. They don't know what to do with me when I cry, so I try not to do it too often in front of people. But I'm crying all the time on the inside. No that's not quite true, its more like alternating between crying and screaming. But I do it real quiet, on the inside.

I'm falling apart, not really getting much better, maybe even worse. This is a hard thing, the hardest ever. Last week my husband and his cousin planted a tree in the front yard for Andrew. A Mimosa...Andrew would have like this very much...and they are ordering a plaque and asked what I wanted inscribed on it. I knew immediately..it will say

"Be Still and know that I am God" Psalms 46:10
In Memory of Andrew "Paco" Romero
1980-2006

The 46th Psalm reminds us that God is our strength and our refuge. I remember this every moment of every day. When Andrew first died I said to myself, "I don't understand why but I know that God knows more about this than I do." I trust God completely in this tragedy, it doesn't stop the pain, but it makes it bearable to get through one more day.

Nautical Star

The sun comes up each morning
Feel your hand reach out for mine
Hear your whistling in the songbirds
As the sundial marks the time

I always seem to just miss you
Thought I heard you in the breeze
Caught a quick glimpse of you moving
In a canopy of trees

Heard your laughter in thunder
When your joking rain was done
Saw your eyes dance in the lightening
Always teasing just for fun

You ran too fast to catch you
You left me without goodbye
I look for you all day long now
Come and find me, tell me why

Late night moon says he knows you
The stars spell out your sweet name
Wishing you would come back home now
Come back home from where you came.

Dance me in the darkness
Play me music I can’t hear
Feel the rhythm of your heartbeat
Whisper low and draw me near

Come home now starlight strider
Return my nautical star
Searching for that galaxy rider
Bring me home to where you are

Just for fun I created a new constellation - Its called "Paco" and its sign is the Joker - many are born under other signs but choose this one. Those who identify themselves as "Paco's" are loving and much loved, talented, intelligent, funny, entertaining, joyful, passionate, prone to great depths of emotions, extremely witty, sensitive, caring, impatient and most uniquely the ability to see beyond the day to day.

I was born a Gemini - I changing to a Paco... anybody else?