Andrew went to a private school for the first couple of years. The school he attended had a dress code and he had to wear a tie.

The day we brought Andrew home from the hospital - he was four days old.

Today is Andrew's birthday. He would have been 31 years old. That's such a strange thing to think about. He's my baby, my little boy and being 31 years old seems old. Old for him at least. He very much was "Peter Pan" in that he would be the eternal child. Although he was grown up when he passed away. (26 years old) he never lost his child like personality. His humor and wit were so refreshing. His intellect was unbelievable. He was such a joy to be around.

His memory is still a joy.

I dreamed about his father last night. In the dream we were together and talking about his passing. That's something we weren't able to do for many reasons and sadly, that's something I really needed. To be able to grieve with the father of my child.

But everyone handles death in their own way and you can't make people react the same way you do. What I need isn't what he needed...and that's hard but okay. I know how much Robert loves Andrew. I know what a good father he was and how much pain he must be in to lose his son. I'm sorry for him and I'm sorry for me. It's just that I can't be sorry for "us" together....and that's sad.

Thanksgiving 2001 - Me, Andrew and Jamie

I know I haven't written in a while - let too much time pass ....

But I had been so down and in so much pain. The truth is that it scares me how much it still knocks the wind out of me to let myself think about Andrew being gone. But its like I told someone recently, "the pain never fades because the love never fades".

It has been so long since I had a dream about Andrew that I could remember and write about and yet I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt that I have dreamed of him almost every night. I wake up knowing that I saw him in my dream - I am able to hold the feeling of the interaction but not the details. I wish I could but still, its a great comfort to know that I see him in my dreams at least.

My life has taken a sudden and unexpected turn. I lost my job due to lay offs and budgets cuts. It has given me the opportunity to relax and move in a new and better direction. And with this chance has been the string impression of Andrew each morning when I wake up. The feeling is stronger than ever.

I don't know what dreams are made of. Last night on NOVA (PBS) they had a special on dreams and I waited up to watch it hoping to find some answers. Ironically I fell asleep once it began and drifted in and out for the whole program. I learned nothing except some folks think they mean something and some don't. Which put me right back to square one.

It doesn't really matter, I trust that God will give me what I need to be able to get though each day missing him the way I do. But still - I find myself waiting for sleep to come and a chance to feel him one more time.

Patty - Andrew's best friend from Jr. High

Photo Patty took of Andrew in front of the Jr. High

Andrew's school picture - yes, he picked out his own outfit and didn't tell me it was picture day.

What Andrew wrote on the back of the picture he gave Patty.

About a week ago I was surprised to be contacted on FaceBook from a Jr. High School friend of Andrew's.
I was so touched my her post and yes, I did my share of crying. He has been gone for over 4 years and she just found out. She shared with me that she has been looking for him since about 1995 or so only too find him too late.
She was a very good friend to Andrew.
In her correspondence she thanked me for being nice to her. That made me weep even harder.
It made me stop and think about the people who pass through our lives. We never know what kind of impression we are making on the person and maybe on their lives. The gravity of that weighs on me.

I hope I always treated you well Patty and if there were times I didn't please forgive me.

And you have made a mark in my life, that I need to always be kind. And maybe for the first time in my life I think I want forgiveness for times when I wasn't nice to someone. I realize now any justification I might have ever thought I had is inexcusable. Thank you Patty -

I was in New Mexico this Christmas and I went to see Andrew's grandmother, Lina.  This wonderful woman is 89 years old and younger and healthier than I am.  It was a wonderful visit.  I don't know if you remember me telling you this but Andrew was cremated.  While I was visiting with Lina she told me that Andrew's father intends to bury Andrew's ashes with her ashes when she crosses over.

I think Andrew would like that very much and it makes me feel good to know that he will be with her.  They loved each other very very much.

I have the distinct impression that I have been dreaming about Andrew recently but can't remember the dreams - I wish I could - I miss him and have had a very hard time recently with my grief.