Someone left this on my comment section today - don't know who you are , I have a hunch, but thank you anyway. It means a lot to me.

Dear readers - I have mentioned before about Andrew being in a punk band clled This Strange Device. This is a clip of one of thier performances. Andrew is the one closest to the camera - bottom left of your frame - mostly the back of his head but its him all the same.

Thank you again who ever you are - I love you for this!">

I have been very tired for a while now. And in addition I have been missing Andrew so much lately. I seem to cry at the drop of a hat.

A couple of weeks ago I had a very bad night. Many things were going wrong. I couldn't sleep. I was too warm, tossing and turning endlessly. Add to that the fact that I had a terrible cough that I couldn't seem to conquer. I had coughed so much that it felt like I had pulled all the muscles in my back and ribs. Painful to move and yet I couldn't lay still. There was more but I'll stop with this since I'm starting to bore myself. But I will confess that in one moment of fatigue and frustration I silently wished I would not see another morning.

I had been awake all night when I finally drifted off just as the sky was beginning to become light. I woke up suddenly a hour and a half later having dreamed about Andrew.

In my dream Andrew came to where I was and I was so happy. I said, "Andrew I am so happy to see you." I started walking toward him as I continued. "I have been missing you and wanting to see you." At this point I put out my arms to embrace him.

He never said a word. From the beginning he had looked straight at me with a very stern look on his face. When I tried to hug him he pulled back and away from my grasp and kind of sneered at my attempted affection ever so slightly.

That was it - he was gone as suddenly as he arrived.

What did it mean? You tell me, but then again I'm sure I know.

This is a beautiful tiny lake in Santa Rosa called Blue Hole.

Its spring fed from the bottom so year round its the same temperature and this clear. The square shape you see in this picture is a diving platform. Skin divers dive down to this platform which I believe is 15 feet down. There is one below that which is 25 feet.

Andrew and his best friend Matt would spend every free minute swimming here. They would dive off the rocky edge and swim down to the first platform.

The photo below shows the rock shelf on side wall of the lake. Its so clear and so beautiful - you can look up videos about it on YouTube.

This is a photo of Andrew swimming up from the platform.

And here he is - standing on the rock shelf in photo three.

Andrew was seven years old in this picture. He was playing in the Pacific Ocean - St. Augustine if I remember correctly. His father, Grandma Nini, he and I were on vacation. We had left DisneyWorld and were head north to visit his Auntie Vera and Uncle EJ (Robert's sister and her husband).

I realize this isn't the clearest picture but I posted it for a reason. I have had two recent, very brief dreams about Andrew both having to do with water.

One was on Easter, I dreamed I was standing on a beach very much like this one. Andrew and his best friend from Santa Rosa, Matt, were swimming and playing in the water. It had no far shore so it seemed to be an ocean but it was completely still. No waves - no movement. The only ripples were the ones made by the boys. The sky was a calm haze. No sun and no real clouds just a pale apricot color. This was a particularly quiet dream - no sound that I can remember...

The other one was early this morning. I dreamed Andrew was about 13 or 14 years old and I left him while I went somewhere. I was walking down the road and the water was coming up on both sides of the road. No storm, no wind, no sound, just rising water and I begin to panic because I realized that the water was going to cover the road and I wouldn't be able to get back to where Andrew was so I gave up going the way I was and turned around to get back as fast as I could. All the time I'm watching the water and it kept rising.

I finally got back and went into a classroom where I knew Andrew was. He was sitting in a desk on the front row and the teacher was telling him not to move his desk at all - to leave it right where it was. And Andrew (being Andrew) immediately scooted it as far forward as he possible could until his nose was almost touching the blackboard. He was laughing that he had done it.

And that was it -

Joel and Andrew. Joel was born July 10th and Andrew was born August 12th.

This is probably the last picture the two of them are in. Andrew was in Joel's wedding. Joel is the groom (center) and Andrew is on his left (back row) and next to Joel (on his left and in front of Andrew) is his brother, my nephew, Ted.

On March 21st Joel and his wife Michelle welcomed their first child, a son, Levi into the world. He's a beautiful health little boy. I think he looks a lot like Joel but with dark hair like his mother.

My sister called me to tell me her grandson was here. My reaction to the news caught me by surprise. I was happy for her and for Joel and Michelle. Very very happy but at that exact moment when Vicki told me Levi had arrived I was abruptly thrust into the reality that I would never be a grandmother. Life had cheated me once again.

Please believe me when I say how happy I am for her but I would be lying if I didn't tell you the truth about the pain. For the first time in a long time it hurt as bad as losing Andrew. As she told me all about it I would gulp for air and force myself with every thing inside me to say things like "Oh, how sweet" or "Well Bless their hearts" but in between these little tiny sincere phrases I was screaming so loud no sound could come out. You know how it feels to stifle a laugh in church? Everything feels like it will explode? This is how it felt only in reverse. I thought my ear drums would burst from the pressure of holding in the scream.

I was afraid my voice would betray me and I didn't want anything to ruin her moment but as soon as I hung up the phone I grabbed a box of tissue and headed outside to the backyard swing where I sat and cried buckets for a very long time.

I cried it all out and then I was done. When Joel called me several days later I was able to talk to him without any problems. He told me all about the baby and we talked about how life would change. I love him and I couldn't be happier for him and his beautiful wife Michelle.

I look forward to seeing my new great-nephew. I have wonderful memories of my own great aunts, Carrie and Edna Mae, whom I loved very very much.

I had the strangest dream early last Sunday morning. I dreamed I was in a house. It was apparently my house but it was so bizarre. It had levels upon levels and each level was a room. The rooms would have a floor and one or two walls but no ceiling, very open. These various room were suspended and connected by staircases.

It was as though the house was in outer space as it was dark all around and there was a thunderstorm off to the left side (ha ha, I'm laughing at myself as I type...who ever heard of "the left side" of a dream) When the lightning would flash it would light up a gorgeous purple velvet clouded sky.

In my dream I was running around trying to light candles in each of the rooms in case the electricity went out. Andrew was in one of these rooms. It was like "his" bedroom. And he was dressed in a costume...a drag costume. He was getting ready to go to a party.

I didn't have a chance to stop and talk to him because I was so busy trying to get these candles lit. They were hard to light and were flickering a lot even though there was no wind.

And then I woke up!

Andrew in 7th Grade
I have mentioned before that Andrew's father was in the National Guard consequently each month he would have a weekend where he had to report for drill. Andrew and I took full advantage of these weekends to go and do things that he and I loved.
We would go to museums and antiques stores (yes Andrew loved antique stores). We regularly went to Old Town (Albuquerque) where we would spend the entire day. We would visit the great shops and eat in the wonderful restaurants like La Hacienda where we would both faithfully order red chile cheese enchiladas.

Now about the time this school picture was taken Andrew and I had our best outing ever. We spent the day in Santa Fe. It was a day I will never forget as long as I live. We both dressed up and headed out early for Santa Fe. Our first stop was the Santa Fe Plaza where we visited the Georgia O Keefe Museum located in the Palace of the Govenors. Then we had lunch at the La Fonda Hotel. We dined on, you guessed it, enchiladas in the hotel restarant and were pleasantly surprised to run into old friends. Following lunch we went to Canyon Road where we spent the afternoon going from one Gallery to another feasting our eyes on all the art.

One very special stop was at what was then called The Fenn Gallery where we saw many works by The Toas Six impressionists. Andrew was especially intriqued by the sculpture garden.

We returned home to Albuquerque by way of Galisteo where I had lived for a time before getting married. Andrew and I stopped and visited the family of the young man I had once been engaged to. Gracious and loving people I still revere.

Andrew was always good compeny no matter what his age was. Even as a young boy he was intelligent and very witty. I enjoyed every minute I spent with him. Several weeks before he passed away he was here for visit and my best friend Jody and her husband were also at our home for the weekend. When the weekend ended Jody and Kevin had enjoyed Andrew and Jamie's company so much that they made plans to get together again. Andrew was very comfortable with any age range and could always hold his own in a conversation.


It was on this trip that Andrew discovered The Ventures. I had a "greatest hits" tape and he fell in love with the music. We played the tape over and over while traveling. After much debate we finally decided that Apache was the best cut on the tape followed very closely by Telstar.

Music was one of the many things I shared with my son..

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Finally, I found one more cover that I love and I know he would have loved it too.


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Tomorrow is Andrew's birthday. So I thought I share some photos from his very first birthday.

Hot air balloons were all the rage in Albuquerque (and still are) so we had his cake made in the shape of a balloon.
So have yourself a piece of cake tomorrow in honor of his birthday and...
... try to sneak out of bed sometime in the early morning hours (like 4 a.m.)

to view the Perseids - even the stars celebrate Paco's birthday!

When Andrew first left us I would pray and beg God to let me dream about him. For the most part I didn't. However, since my heart attack I am surprised by how often I dream about him now. I dreamed about him last night again which is very unusual.
This was a very quick little dream. I was standing inside a building that had a wall that was all glass. Fixed glass like a business, not windows you could open. Outside was a pool and Andrew was swimming in the pool. Suddenly there was an announcement that everyone needed to get out of the pool and get ready because the plane was getting ready to land. (I know - dreams are weird). The next thing I knew I was hurrying toward the gate where he was arriving but I woke up before he came through the gate.

Aren't dreams strange?

Yesterday I had to deal with a situation of child abuse. It impacted me on a huge scale and must have still been on my mind when I fell asleep last night.
I dreamed Andrew was about 5 years old and someone had decided to discipline him by making him sit on a shelf. ( You know how weird dreams can be sometimes.)
So I came into the room where there was this big metal cabinet (the kind you commonly see in a garage) and I opened the metal door and Andrew was sitting on a shelf looking almost identical to this photo. He was smiling and having the time of his life - not the least bit distressed. I held out my arms and he came to me and wrapped himself around me in a big hug. I held him and hugged him so tight, sort of knowing in the back of my mind that being able to touch him was unusual.
The thing is, it reminded me of times when I disciplined Andrew. It was always a challenge because he always enjoyed himself no matter what. I was wasting my time to send him to his room or make him stand in the corner. He would immediately started day dreaming and playing with his fingers or something equally non-removable and be having a great time. Although frustrating, I loved that about him.

This was an interior shot of Andrew's first apartment.

If ever I didn't know what was going on in my son's life - this was it.

It was his first place of his own and he very much didn't want his mom to be a part of it. He wanted to test his wings and fly solo. He would have been about 18 or 19 years old, I can't remember. I didn't know it was it would ever be important to remember - always thought I would be able to just ask him how old he had been...either way, I was not generally welcomed there.

He was working full time and had enough income to afford this place that as I mentioned earlier was "piece" of what had been a large house at one time. The front door opened into a room that was both his living room and bedroom. That room opened into the kitchen area and then there was a tiny dark frightening bathroom off of the kitchen. You could say the living room/bedroom and kitchen were pretty much one large room. When I look back it was a actually very roomy area.

Lots of light - the windows you see in the photo were high enough up that he didn't have to worry about any one pressing their face against the glass to look in. Consequently he put his twin size bed into the bay of the window where he could sit by day and lay by night and look out the window.

Andrew was a slob! There is no delicate way to describe his surroundings. He couldn't care less what anyone thought about it either. Despite years of training, arguing and tears he enjoyed living among piles of clothes, shoes, skateboards, guitars and books. Stacks and stacks of books. I have told you before that he was an avid reader and would have a book in every room that he was reading. Jamie tells me that it was nothing for him to be reading five books at the same time. Now in his own place he went from bad to worse. But as he reminded me often - he was the one paying the rent and it was none of my business....and he was right.

I believe this was a difficult time for him in several ways. He broke up with a long time girlfriend about this time and was probably more alone in that apartment than he realized when he rented it. He was quickly learning that some friends are not true friends - more like bums and moochers. I also remember a friend hanging out over there who had brought along another friend, a girl about 13 or 14 years old.

She thought Andrew hung the moon but Andrew was smart enough to not go near her. She would constantly call him and come over. He had to spend much of his time hiding from her. Many nights he would come home and park his car in our driveway and ask me to give him a ride back to his apartment so he could be home without her seeing his car and stopping by.

He became very restless and disillusioned about this time and decided he wanted to move back to New Mexico. (I'll write more about that later.) So sure enough he gave away all of his things and packed up his car and he and his cousin drove back and got an apartment together. I was so sad to see him go but I was also very excited for him.

I was always a terrible mother hen. Because of his illness I worried constantly about him. I drove him crazy checking on him to see that he was okay. I can remember waking up at 4am worried about him and getting in my car and driving by his house. I didn't stop because he wouldn't like it and I didn't want to admit how obsessed I was with his safety.

At the same time I knew I didn't want him to be smothered. I also knew I couldn't help but do it so in a very strange way I was glad that he left and went back to New Mexico. As much as I worried about him I also encouraged him to have adventures and never once tried to keep him "down on the farm". My life with him was a constant struggle to not be afraid and to encourage growth and independence in him. Ironic now that I think about it.

I remember two separate things about his place very clearly. One time I stopped by and he was there alone. He was riding his scooter (you remember they were all the rage about 8 years ago - these little scooters about the size of a skateboard with little motors on them) in this large loop through the living room/bedroom and into the kitchen. He never stopped while I was there. He was friendly and talkative but kept going round and round in circles until I gave up and left.

The other memory bothers me greatly. It was after his break up with the girlfriend and I stopped by to see how he was doing. He opened the door wide but told me that he didn't want me to come it. He wanted to be alone. I glanced in the apartment and he had sheets and sheets of notebook paper that he had completely filled from top to bottom with his writing. They were all taped up on the walls. The wall was covered with them. I asked about it and he said he was just doing some writing and that it was private. I worried a lot about him during that phase and watched him closer than usual (hence the 4am drive bys) but he came out on the other side just fine. Soon he pulled the writing off the walls -threw them away- and embarked on a new adventure in Las Vegas, NM.

Years later we joked about his "manifesto" plastered on the apartment walls. I will always wonder what it said... Irregardless, he was always able to overcome even the darkest hour and walk away laughing...I bet he's still laughing...

I dreamed about Andrew again last night. Do you know how unusual it is for me to dream about him at all let alone so close together to the last dream? But I'm not complaining.

The photo above is of the outside of Andrew's very first apartment. This old house in West Plains had been carved into several apartments. His was on the ground floor looking out at the street. It was old and dilapidated but still really cool for a young man's first place. In a couple of days I will post another photo and tell you some stories about the time he lived here, for now I want to tell you about my dream last night.

Last night I dreamed I had parked my brand new pickup truck in a very isolated (read: dumb) place to park and I went to check on it. There were a couple of people with me and when we got there sure enough someone had tried unsuccessfully to steal the battery. We managed to put it back in and I knew I had to move the truck. I think Andrew was one of the other's in the dream but I can't swear to it. That's the way it is sometimes - I wake up with a general feeling that I have seen him in my sleep.

But the next dream was very vivid and I woke up remembering it. I dreamed that after I got back from moving the truck I went into my own house and could see some of Andrew's knick - knacks were sitting on the table and I knew he had been there digging through his old stuff and retrieving things. You'd have to know Andrew - he was (like his mom) a collector of things, very sentimental and enjoyed being himself so much that regardless of how old he got he would still cherish the things he had as a child. He got a kick out of showing them off - they were his collectibles. He collected Mechanical Elmo's - you know - the ones that sing or dance. He always got one from me for Christmas - always, right up to his last Christmas.

Anyway, it was so normal to see these few things he had pulled out of storage and set aside. He wasn't in my house so I gathered them up and took the next door to a single wide trailer that I knew Andrew had recently moved into. I went in and there he was, sitting on the floor (no furniture) doing something on his laptop. The counters were completely covered with glasses of various kinds very neatly stacked. There was a dark haired woman - older than he cleaning the kitchen floor. Andrew told me that she was the former tenant and had just come to finish cleaning up and getting the last of her things so he could move in.

I remember thinking that for a single wide (and a rental no less) it was incredibly clean and really pretty cool inside. The carpet was purple..when Andrew was young that was his favorite color until someone told him it was a "girl color" then he switched to green. Which is why my Nautical Star tattoo is green and purple.

I told him that I thought this was a pretty nice place and that I would be tickled if he bought it and stayed here since it was right next door to me. He said he's think about it.

Now in real life there would be no way that he'd live near me. I worried about him too much and it drove him crazy. His favorite thing was to refer to me as "A Chihuahua on Crack" when talking about my lecturing. I think that's very funny -

That's pretty much the whole dream. One thing I can't seem to find the words for is how I feel when I wake up and know that I have seen him. The fact that it feels so real is very important to me. Its one of the things that helps me make it. Then there is the whole deal where I try to figure out the dream. I would like to think that this one means that he is very near me.

Last time I talked to Jamie (she's working 70 hours a week and hasn't had much free time to come for a visit) she said that she had recently dreamed that she and someone else were trying to climb up a very steep muddy slope. She kept sliding down and having to start over. She said that Andrew was with her the whole time and kept encouraging her. She finally made it to the top and the other person with her didn't. There were people waiting for her at the top and they asked her how she made it up such an impossible climb. She told them that she made it because Andrew was with her. (Although he had kind of disappeared by this time)

Now here's the neat part, she said that when she woke up she instantly knew she could make it. No matter what happened she was going to be okay because Andrew is with her, helping her. I love that.

I don't know what I believe about dreams. I believe they are important and not random. I don't think God would give us the ability to dream unless he meant for it to assist us in some way. We know from the stories in the Bible that God sent dreams to warn people or give them wisdom so I know they are important.

It goes against my personal beliefs to think that either dream, hers or mine means that Andrew is "Our Guardian Angel". Sorry folks - can't believe it. Based on what I understand about the nature of angels and the nature of our spirit I know that to believe that someone was an angle would imply a demotion of sorts. God created angles for a purpose and us for a higher purpose.

But I can believe that God sent a message in the form of a dream telling us that its all okay. That Andrew is close, he still knows us and cares for us and wants us to be comforted by that information. But just like him not hanging around Jamie once she was up the hill or the fact that he was working on his laptop or shopping (as in the most recent dream) is telling us that he isn't idle over there - he has things to do - he loves us but has to get back to what he doing.

And that's very cool.

I had the strangest dream last night. I dreamed I was headed somewhere and got detoured to a huge indoor swap meet. It had the best stuff I had ever seen at a swap meet. Really good stuff that was really cheap.

I found this set of mixing bowls that I have been eyeing on eBay. They are these wonderful pink (like the color on the old Teaberry Gum packages) Pyrex bowls in what was called the Gooseberry Pattern. They were mark $4.25 for the set. I only had to pay $3.50 for them. A total steal!

I was standing at the checkout table after having completed my purchase and was talking to the other people standing there. Suddenly the door opened and Andrew came in. I was so surprised and delighted. I said "Andrew, I'm so glad you're here. I was just thinking how much you would like this stuff they are selling." Then I grabbed him and hugged him as tight as I possibly could. He was friendly but didn't hug back - didn't say anything that I remember, just smiled and then went on to browse through the swap meet. I returned to the group of people I was talking to and pointed Andrew out to them. I said "That's my son. He died about six months ago but now he's back."

Isn't that odd? I have often wanted to make physical contact with him in past dreams but never did. It was like there was a veil I couldn't reach past. But last night I held on to him for a very long time.

I woke up so happy. I was elated to have had the chance to hold him again even if it was only in a dream. Then I headed to the shower to get ready for work. We have a radio on in the bathroom at all times (It's hooked up to the light switch) and as I began my shower this song came on.

What makes this interesting is that Andrew loved this song and had just discovered it at the time of his death. He was trying to learn it so Jamie said he played it over and over and over and over... She said he had gotten very good at the vocals.

She requested that it be played at his funeral. I hadn't heard it since I was a teenager and had almost forgotten about it. (Since then I have it on my IPod and hear it frequently.) But, I can't recall hearing it on the radio at all. I thought it was intriguing that it would play right after I dreamed about Andrew.

As I sang along with the radio I couldn't help but smile and say, yes - you really blew my mind.

Today is the day we set aside to celebrate our independence. One of the ways we do this is to shoot off wonderfully colorful fireworks. So, since Andrew was a real firecracker in his own way I thought I'd post some "Paco Fireworks" in the form of his various hair colors. Not really red, white and blue, more like red, yellow and green but totally Paco all the same.

Ironically, this is what happens when children celebrate their independence from the influence of their mother who would have never approved of him dying his gorgeous hair.

Hope you have a wonderful Fourth of July. Be safe -

Happy Fathers Day