I dreamed of Andrew last night. In my dream he was about the age as he was in this photo. I had taken him to a new day care center and was apparently enrolling him so he could start attending. The center was hidden from the road by a dense row of trees. He and I went in the front door and as I looked out of the windows into the back yard "play ground" it was a beautiful flower garden with a thick lush lawn. There was a deep blue pond for swimming. They sat Andrew down and gave him lunch.
At another table sat a boy named Sean who was looked to be about 2 years old. In real life he and Andrew grew up together. In fact I babysat Sean from age 18 months through his third grade. He and Andrew were close friends, Andrew was a year or so older so they were almost like brothers.
In my dream he was also eating lunch but unexpectedly he pulled open the front of his diaper and dumped his food into his diaper. I looked at Andrew and said "Don't even think about it." But little Andrew didn't seem to be thinking about it - he was just sitting there eating his lunch.
Then I went outside to wait for his father to arrive. I could barely see his vehicle on the other side of the trees.
Dreams are so strange, I know I say that a lot. I struggled when the alarm clock rang to try and go back to sleep. I couldn't start the dream again but I did have a feeling that I was still "in the spirit" (for lack of a better term) where I had experienced being with my son. I linger there as long as I could. I finally got up very sad and weepy, feeling the pain of my loss stronger than I had in a long time. It was later when I realized that when I dream of Andrew as a teen or a grown man I come away feeling happy that I saw him in my dreams. When I dream about him being a child I come away sad for myself and in pain.
But it doesn't matter, I would give anything to dream of him every single time I closed my eyes.

Last night I dreamed about Andrew. I was in a town I have never seen and I was with him and some of his friends (none of which looked familiar) and we were all eating and laughing at an outdoor restaurant. It was a beautiful sunny day. Then we decided to go back to my home and and Andrew and another guy took off walking down the street. I hollered at him and told him to wait and we'd go together and he said "You go your way and I'll go mine and I'll meet you at the house." When I got home I was living in an apartment and it had a bay window that looked into the interior hallway of the apartment building. I had sheer white curtains over the windows and when Andrew arrived he and a group of friends were out in the hall and having a good time joking and laughing. He never came inside and all I could do was to watch him through the sheer curtains.

Pretty obvious dream don't you think?

I briefly dreamed about Andrew again last night and I clearly remember telling myself to remember it...but I didn't. I have tried all morning but it won't come back to me.

I dreamed about Andrew again last night.
I dreamed I was sleeping in my old room in the house I grew up in. Andrew was a baby about six month old and was sleeping in his room when I woke up hearing him cry. I went to his room and picked him up and held him close to me to comfort me. I took him back into my room and laid him down in a crib I had in my room and went back to bed. Then I heard him crying again from his room (again) but he was still laying in the crib in my room. I went to his room and there he was again only this time he was about a year old. Again I picked him up and hugged him and loved on him and took him back to my room and put him in the crib with his other self. Then I pushed the crib up next to the bed so that when I lay down I could reach through the rails and touch them both. And then we all went back to sleep.

I dreamed about Andrew last night.

I dreamed he and I were living together in a tiny apartment and not able to pay the bills. He had hopes of moving into his own place but just no money. We were struggling so much that we talked about moving home to live with my mom. Something we really didn't want to do but it seemed like our only option.

My mother passed away when I was 19 years old...4 years before Andrew was born. Dreams are strange.

Happy 2012/Earth Andrew.
I still miss you so much I can hardly breath at times. I've said it before - the pain never fades because the love never fades.

Andrew went to a private school for the first couple of years. The school he attended had a dress code and he had to wear a tie.

The day we brought Andrew home from the hospital - he was four days old.

Today is Andrew's birthday. He would have been 31 years old. That's such a strange thing to think about. He's my baby, my little boy and being 31 years old seems old. Old for him at least. He very much was "Peter Pan" in that he would be the eternal child. Although he was grown up when he passed away. (26 years old) he never lost his child like personality. His humor and wit were so refreshing. His intellect was unbelievable. He was such a joy to be around.

His memory is still a joy.

I dreamed about his father last night. In the dream we were together and talking about his passing. That's something we weren't able to do for many reasons and sadly, that's something I really needed. To be able to grieve with the father of my child.

But everyone handles death in their own way and you can't make people react the same way you do. What I need isn't what he needed...and that's hard but okay. I know how much Robert loves Andrew. I know what a good father he was and how much pain he must be in to lose his son. I'm sorry for him and I'm sorry for me. It's just that I can't be sorry for "us" together....and that's sad.

Thanksgiving 2001 - Me, Andrew and Jamie

I know I haven't written in a while - let too much time pass ....

But I had been so down and in so much pain. The truth is that it scares me how much it still knocks the wind out of me to let myself think about Andrew being gone. But its like I told someone recently, "the pain never fades because the love never fades".

It has been so long since I had a dream about Andrew that I could remember and write about and yet I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt that I have dreamed of him almost every night. I wake up knowing that I saw him in my dream - I am able to hold the feeling of the interaction but not the details. I wish I could but still, its a great comfort to know that I see him in my dreams at least.

My life has taken a sudden and unexpected turn. I lost my job due to lay offs and budgets cuts. It has given me the opportunity to relax and move in a new and better direction. And with this chance has been the string impression of Andrew each morning when I wake up. The feeling is stronger than ever.

I don't know what dreams are made of. Last night on NOVA (PBS) they had a special on dreams and I waited up to watch it hoping to find some answers. Ironically I fell asleep once it began and drifted in and out for the whole program. I learned nothing except some folks think they mean something and some don't. Which put me right back to square one.

It doesn't really matter, I trust that God will give me what I need to be able to get though each day missing him the way I do. But still - I find myself waiting for sleep to come and a chance to feel him one more time.

Patty - Andrew's best friend from Jr. High

Photo Patty took of Andrew in front of the Jr. High

Andrew's school picture - yes, he picked out his own outfit and didn't tell me it was picture day.

What Andrew wrote on the back of the picture he gave Patty.

About a week ago I was surprised to be contacted on FaceBook from a Jr. High School friend of Andrew's.
I was so touched my her post and yes, I did my share of crying. He has been gone for over 4 years and she just found out. She shared with me that she has been looking for him since about 1995 or so only too find him too late.
She was a very good friend to Andrew.
In her correspondence she thanked me for being nice to her. That made me weep even harder.
It made me stop and think about the people who pass through our lives. We never know what kind of impression we are making on the person and maybe on their lives. The gravity of that weighs on me.

I hope I always treated you well Patty and if there were times I didn't please forgive me.

And you have made a mark in my life, that I need to always be kind. And maybe for the first time in my life I think I want forgiveness for times when I wasn't nice to someone. I realize now any justification I might have ever thought I had is inexcusable. Thank you Patty -

I was in New Mexico this Christmas and I went to see Andrew's grandmother, Lina.  This wonderful woman is 89 years old and younger and healthier than I am.  It was a wonderful visit.  I don't know if you remember me telling you this but Andrew was cremated.  While I was visiting with Lina she told me that Andrew's father intends to bury Andrew's ashes with her ashes when she crosses over.

I think Andrew would like that very much and it makes me feel good to know that he will be with her.  They loved each other very very much.

I have the distinct impression that I have been dreaming about Andrew recently but can't remember the dreams - I wish I could - I miss him and have had a very hard time recently with my grief.

This Christmas , as every year - as every moment of every day I'm missing you Andrew.  I love you - Mom

Andrew and Jamie



I Know You By Heart by Eva Cassidy

Dear Andrew,

I love you so much. Its amazing you know, it hasn't faded even a little bit in four years. It never will. The love I feel is just as real and present as it was the day you were born. It doesn't get smaller just because your gone or time passes.

I had a talk with God today on my drive to work. I thanked him for choosing me to be the blessed one to have carried you in my heart from the moment of your conception to this very moment. I thanked him for choosing me to be your mother and have the privileged of your spending twenty six years with you. I was enriched beyond belief by your existence.

I miss your eyes, your smile, your humor and laughter, your annoying passion for lost causes, your cynical deconstruction of society , your lightning fast retorts and razor sharp wit. I miss the space you occupied and the air you breathed...its what made my life valid.

I'm looking forward to seeing your sparkling eyes and wonderful smile when its my turn to cross that river. Come wait for me on that day so I can tell you again how much I love and have missed you.

Love, Mom

I had a brief dream about Andrew last night. I don't remember much except he and I were walking down the street hand in hand. We stopped to talk to some folks and I was introducing them to my son. I think he was about 9 or 10 years old in last nights dream. He and I had very good times together when he was about that age. We went everywhere and had some great adventures together.

I woke up while dreaming of him and I prayed and prayed for him to come back to me in the dream when I went back to sleep....sleep didn't come. I was awake for over an hour.

But for a little while things seemed normal - like the old days - and I was happy.

HAPPY 30th BIRTHDAY PACO!

Andrew, me and Jamie 2005

I haven't dreamed about Andrew in such a long time. Not that I can remember anyway. And then last night I dreamed they came to tell me he had died and I said, "I always knew this was going to happen and I'm glad its finally over."

What in the world to you think that means?

I know its been a long time since I've posted here but please don't think that means Andrew isn't isn't in my thoughts every minute and second of my day - he is. I still dream about him but I'm having a hard time remembering the dreams long enough to record them. I wake up knowing I dreamed about him but it fades immediately. My grief ebbs and flows like the great wave of tears that it is.

My coworkers and friends are loving and accommodating. They allow me to talk about him without showing any outward signs of being uncomfortable. One of my coworkers is especially generous to me - she jokes with me that Andrew is with me pulling pranks like misplacing important paperwork or locking my desk with no key to open it only to unlock it without warning. She and I both know that he's not a ghost, that's me remember, but she says that after hearing me talk about him she knows he would do those kinds of things if he were here. She's right and it makes me proud to know that I am conveying his life so accurately that a woman who has never met him can sit around and talk like she knew him for years - thanks Nikki - you'll never know what it means to me.

There is one young student we have in our program who reminds me so much of Andrew. He is small in stature like Andrew, his features are slightly similar but what is dead on (pun not intended but considered and left in place) is his personality and demeanor. He talks like Andrew, walks like him, writes lyrics all day long instead of working just like Andrew. The other day he had his earphones in his ears and he was dancing and I had to laugh - he dances just like Andrew.

My coworkers already know better than to ask for my input about his case management because I am apologetically biased when it comes to him.

He makes me smile, and then he makes me cry. I miss my son.

There are many reasons why I want to go to Heaven. Here are the two most precious earthly reasons. My grandmother and my son.

This morning when the sun came through my window and gently woke me, I gave thanks for a risen saviour. Then I thought of all those I love who have passed on and how I look to the promise of being reunited with them.

Andrew and me 1980

Recently someone mentioned their children and grandchildren and then followed up the statement by saying how blessed they were. Then they realized that I have neither of my own. They instantly felt awkward and fumbled to find the right thing to say.

Listen, its important for me to say that I too am very, very blessed.

I am blessed to have the experience of being the mother and acquaintance of the most remarkable person in the world. From the moment of his birth to the day of his departure he was a constant source of wonder. I wouldn't trade the opportunity to be Andrew's mother for 26 years for 100 years with another child.

He had such a way about him, I wish you could have known him. Each day with him was priceless.

Not that he was perfect. He struggled with his health, his academics and his employment. But what he had in place of these things was so much more. He had a heart that was so big that it made room for everyone. He had a sense of humor that made you laugh until you begged for a breath. He had an intellect that was so self possessed that he found no need to waste it on school work choosing rather to immerse himself in things that elude most common people. He was sweet and loving and funny but I guess the thing that was most prominent was his spirit...he has a beautiful spirit. I miss witnessing that.

Andrew - Age 1

I had a dream several weeks ago. I dreamed I was standing in the front yard of a rental that Andrew was moving out of. A family of three came up to me and said they wanted to see the house because they were interested in renting it. I was very put out because Andrew was in the process of trying to pack and I knew the house was in a terrible mess and this just wasn't a good time to have people tramping through. I told these people it would be better if they came back another day but they were insistent. I warned them that the house was in a big mess but they didn't care.

I asked them to wait outside and I would go and check with Andrew to see if they could come in. When I entered the house I was completely shocked to see the room was empty except for a sofa. The sofa, carpet and walls were pure white and immaculate. Not a spot anywhere. Andrew was standing there and he was dressed up.

I told him that some people wanted to come in and that I had told them to come back later because he was packing and he said...."It's okay, I'm done."

That was the end of the dream. It was so haunting to me that I have waited to write about it. I woke up and was overcome with the feeling that unlike me, he didn't feel "rushed" , on the contrary, everything was cleared out, cleaned up and he was "done", ready to relinquish the dwelling.

It was a good dream.

Tonight is Christmas Eve and I am missing my Andrew so much.
Someone said one time that Christmas is for kids, I don't believe that but I do believe that Christmas as we know it makes no sense without kids.

One of my oldest and dearest friends called me this evening to wish me a Merry Christmas. We talked for almost an hour and as we got ready to say goodbye she brought up Andrew. Her voice broke as she told me how she thinks of him all the time.

She went on to say that she could still see his smile and how when he looked at her she felt total acceptance from him. She said he had a look in his beautiful eyes of genuine interest in her and what she had to say. He made her feel important.

I had never ever thought about that but when she said it I recognised those traits in him immediately. It didn't matter if you were 3 years old or 103 he was the same with everyone. He would genuinely enjoy doing a puzzle with a child or going out with my friends for drinks. He never condescend to anyone. He enjoyed everyone he ever met.

Mychelle was right - he was the most loving genuine person that you would ever hope to know. I miss him so much, its just not Christmas without him.

Somethings only lost when you don't know where it is. I know where my Andrew is.

Andrew lived with the love of his life, Jamie, in St. Louis for several years. He joined a band and became best friends with the lead singer, a guy named Tony who dated Becka for many years. Jamie and Becka are now roommates.
On Andrew's birthday Jamie called me to tell me that she and Becka were celebrating Paco's birthday. She said they were wearing his clothes and we taking him out to eat and then for a day on the town. In the tradition of the traveling gnome they took his urn and set out to photgraph the celebration.
Just today I got to see the photo's - they made me laugh out loud - he would have loved this - this is so Paco.
I hope you can share the humor - he would have kept you laughing too if you had known him.

Andrew in Germany in 2000

I dreamed about Andrew Saturday night. I was driving down a highway and Andrew was in a separate car following me. We approach an incline, it wasn't steep but a gradual rise. Still, I couldn't see over the top - no idea what was ahead.
I glanced in my rear view mirror and realized Andrew was no longer behind me. I panicked. Night was falling and I was unsure what to do. Go back and look for him but then I was afraid I'd miss him somewhere on the road. So I kept driving for a while but I started getting too scared so I did turn around and start back. I thought maybe he had pulled off to get gas or use the rest room somewhere.

I seem to remember pulling over at a run down truck stop of some sort and being freaked out as to whether to go inside or keep looking for him outside. Then somehow I had a call from him and he told me not to freak out but to keep on going and he's see me "over there".

I didn't like this dream.

Andrew and Joel 1981

Me, my great nephew Levi and his dad - my nephew Joel. August 12, 2009

I was blessed to be able to go home to New Mexico the first part of August. During this trip I got to meet my new great nephew, Levi. He's a little doll and I love him dearly.

What made this meeting truly bittersweet is the fact that it took place on August 12th...Andrew's birthday.

I have mentioned on my other blogs I seem to be extra tired since that trip. Probably did too much....or didn't do enough...or just wish it would have lasted longer or maybe that it would never have ended at all.

Whatever the reason I have decided that for the time being I'm going to limit my posts to this blog to one per month. I feel this blog is my most important writing and I want to give you (and me) the very best I have to offer. I think by limiting the posting I would be more apt to give it my best effort if I took my time.

It seems its been hard to begin lately, maybe the this limitation will encourage a necessity for quality...he, you, me, all of us deserve that.

Today, July 19th makes 1000 days since my precious Andrew left us.

Someone left this on my comment section today - don't know who you are , I have a hunch, but thank you anyway. It means a lot to me.

Dear readers - I have mentioned before about Andrew being in a punk band clled This Strange Device. This is a clip of one of thier performances. Andrew is the one closest to the camera - bottom left of your frame - mostly the back of his head but its him all the same.

Thank you again who ever you are - I love you for this!

(*LANGUAGE WARNING* - YOU MIGHT WANT TO TURN YOUR VOLUMN DOWN )
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I have been very tired for a while now. And in addition I have been missing Andrew so much lately. I seem to cry at the drop of a hat.

A couple of weeks ago I had a very bad night. Many things were going wrong. I couldn't sleep. I was too warm, tossing and turning endlessly. Add to that the fact that I had a terrible cough that I couldn't seem to conquer. I had coughed so much that it felt like I had pulled all the muscles in my back and ribs. Painful to move and yet I couldn't lay still. There was more but I'll stop with this since I'm starting to bore myself. But I will confess that in one moment of fatigue and frustration I silently wished I would not see another morning.

I had been awake all night when I finally drifted off just as the sky was beginning to become light. I woke up suddenly a hour and a half later having dreamed about Andrew.

In my dream Andrew came to where I was and I was so happy. I said, "Andrew I am so happy to see you." I started walking toward him as I continued. "I have been missing you and wanting to see you." At this point I put out my arms to embrace him.

He never said a word. From the beginning he had looked straight at me with a very stern look on his face. When I tried to hug him he pulled back and away from my grasp and kind of sneered at my attempted affection ever so slightly.

That was it - he was gone as suddenly as he arrived.

What did it mean? You tell me, but then again I'm sure I know.

This is a beautiful tiny lake in Santa Rosa called Blue Hole.

Its spring fed from the bottom so year round its the same temperature and this clear. The square shape you see in this picture is a diving platform. Skin divers dive down to this platform which I believe is 15 feet down. There is one below that which is 25 feet.

Andrew and his best friend Matt would spend every free minute swimming here. They would dive off the rocky edge and swim down to the first platform.

The photo below shows the rock shelf on side wall of the lake. Its so clear and so beautiful - you can look up videos about it on YouTube.

This is a photo of Andrew swimming up from the platform.

And here he is - standing on the rock shelf in photo three.

Andrew was seven years old in this picture. He was playing in the Pacific Ocean - St. Augustine if I remember correctly. His father, Grandma Nini, he and I were on vacation. We had left DisneyWorld and were head north to visit his Auntie Vera and Uncle EJ (Robert's sister and her husband).

I realize this isn't the clearest picture but I posted it for a reason. I have had two recent, very brief dreams about Andrew both having to do with water.

One was on Easter, I dreamed I was standing on a beach very much like this one. Andrew and his best friend from Santa Rosa, Matt, were swimming and playing in the water. It had no far shore so it seemed to be an ocean but it was completely still. No waves - no movement. The only ripples were the ones made by the boys. The sky was a calm haze. No sun and no real clouds just a pale apricot color. This was a particularly quiet dream - no sound that I can remember...

The other one was early this morning. I dreamed Andrew was about 13 or 14 years old and I left him while I went somewhere. I was walking down the road and the water was coming up on both sides of the road. No storm, no wind, no sound, just rising water and I begin to panic because I realized that the water was going to cover the road and I wouldn't be able to get back to where Andrew was so I gave up going the way I was and turned around to get back as fast as I could. All the time I'm watching the water and it kept rising.

I finally got back and went into a classroom where I knew Andrew was. He was sitting in a desk on the front row and the teacher was telling him not to move his desk at all - to leave it right where it was. And Andrew (being Andrew) immediately scooted it as far forward as he possible could until his nose was almost touching the blackboard. He was laughing that he had done it.

And that was it -