Thanksgiving 2001 - Me, Andrew and Jamie
I know I haven't written in a while - let too much time pass ....
But I had been so down and in so much pain. The truth is that it scares me how much it still knocks the wind out of me to let myself think about Andrew being gone. But its like I told someone recently, "the pain never fades because the love never fades".
It has been so long since I had a dream about Andrew that I could remember and write about and yet I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt that I have dreamed of him almost every night. I wake up knowing that I saw him in my dream - I am able to hold the feeling of the interaction but not the details. I wish I could but still, its a great comfort to know that I see him in my dreams at least.
My life has taken a sudden and unexpected turn. I lost my job due to lay offs and budgets cuts. It has given me the opportunity to relax and move in a new and better direction. And with this chance has been the string impression of Andrew each morning when I wake up. The feeling is stronger than ever.
I don't know what dreams are made of. Last night on NOVA (PBS) they had a special on dreams and I waited up to watch it hoping to find some answers. Ironically I fell asleep once it began and drifted in and out for the whole program. I learned nothing except some folks think they mean something and some don't. Which put me right back to square one.
It doesn't really matter, I trust that God will give me what I need to be able to get though each day missing him the way I do. But still - I find myself waiting for sleep to come and a chance to feel him one more time.