Wednesday, March 14, 2012
I dreamed of Andrew last night. In my dream he was about the age as he was in this photo. I had taken him to a new day care center and was apparently enrolling him so he could start attending. The center was hidden from the road by a dense row of trees. He and I went in the front door and as I looked out of the windows into the back yard "play ground" it was a beautiful flower garden with a thick lush lawn. There was a deep blue pond for swimming. They sat Andrew down and gave him lunch.
At another table sat a boy named Sean who was looked to be about 2 years old. In real life he and Andrew grew up together. In fact I babysat Sean from age 18 months through his third grade. He and Andrew were close friends, Andrew was a year or so older so they were almost like brothers.
In my dream he was also eating lunch but unexpectedly he pulled open the front of his diaper and dumped his food into his diaper. I looked at Andrew and said "Don't even think about it." But little Andrew didn't seem to be thinking about it - he was just sitting there eating his lunch.
Then I went outside to wait for his father to arrive. I could barely see his vehicle on the other side of the trees.
Dreams are so strange, I know I say that a lot. I struggled when the alarm clock rang to try and go back to sleep. I couldn't start the dream again but I did have a feeling that I was still "in the spirit" (for lack of a better term) where I had experienced being with my son. I linger there as long as I could. I finally got up very sad and weepy, feeling the pain of my loss stronger than I had in a long time. It was later when I realized that when I dream of Andrew as a teen or a grown man I come away feeling happy that I saw him in my dreams. When I dream about him being a child I come away sad for myself and in pain.
But it doesn't matter, I would give anything to dream of him every single time I closed my eyes.