Monday, June 28, 2010
I know its been a long time since I've posted here but please don't think that means Andrew isn't isn't in my thoughts every minute and second of my day - he is. I still dream about him but I'm having a hard time remembering the dreams long enough to record them. I wake up knowing I dreamed about him but it fades immediately. My grief ebbs and flows like the great wave of tears that it is.
My coworkers and friends are loving and accommodating. They allow me to talk about him without showing any outward signs of being uncomfortable. One of my coworkers is especially generous to me - she jokes with me that Andrew is with me pulling pranks like misplacing important paperwork or locking my desk with no key to open it only to unlock it without warning. She and I both know that he's not a ghost, that's me remember, but she says that after hearing me talk about him she knows he would do those kinds of things if he were here. She's right and it makes me proud to know that I am conveying his life so accurately that a woman who has never met him can sit around and talk like she knew him for years - thanks Nikki - you'll never know what it means to me.
There is one young student we have in our program who reminds me so much of Andrew. He is small in stature like Andrew, his features are slightly similar but what is dead on (pun not intended but considered and left in place) is his personality and demeanor. He talks like Andrew, walks like him, writes lyrics all day long instead of working just like Andrew. The other day he had his earphones in his ears and he was dancing and I had to laugh - he dances just like Andrew.
My coworkers already know better than to ask for my input about his case management because I am apologetically biased when it comes to him.
He makes me smile, and then he makes me cry. I miss my son.