I dreamed about Andrew again last night. Do you know how unusual it is for me to dream about him at all let alone so close together to the last dream? But I'm not complaining.

The photo above is of the outside of Andrew's very first apartment. This old house in West Plains had been carved into several apartments. His was on the ground floor looking out at the street. It was old and dilapidated but still really cool for a young man's first place. In a couple of days I will post another photo and tell you some stories about the time he lived here, for now I want to tell you about my dream last night.

Last night I dreamed I had parked my brand new pickup truck in a very isolated (read: dumb) place to park and I went to check on it. There were a couple of people with me and when we got there sure enough someone had tried unsuccessfully to steal the battery. We managed to put it back in and I knew I had to move the truck. I think Andrew was one of the other's in the dream but I can't swear to it. That's the way it is sometimes - I wake up with a general feeling that I have seen him in my sleep.

But the next dream was very vivid and I woke up remembering it. I dreamed that after I got back from moving the truck I went into my own house and could see some of Andrew's knick - knacks were sitting on the table and I knew he had been there digging through his old stuff and retrieving things. You'd have to know Andrew - he was (like his mom) a collector of things, very sentimental and enjoyed being himself so much that regardless of how old he got he would still cherish the things he had as a child. He got a kick out of showing them off - they were his collectibles. He collected Mechanical Elmo's - you know - the ones that sing or dance. He always got one from me for Christmas - always, right up to his last Christmas.

Anyway, it was so normal to see these few things he had pulled out of storage and set aside. He wasn't in my house so I gathered them up and took the next door to a single wide trailer that I knew Andrew had recently moved into. I went in and there he was, sitting on the floor (no furniture) doing something on his laptop. The counters were completely covered with glasses of various kinds very neatly stacked. There was a dark haired woman - older than he cleaning the kitchen floor. Andrew told me that she was the former tenant and had just come to finish cleaning up and getting the last of her things so he could move in.

I remember thinking that for a single wide (and a rental no less) it was incredibly clean and really pretty cool inside. The carpet was purple..when Andrew was young that was his favorite color until someone told him it was a "girl color" then he switched to green. Which is why my Nautical Star tattoo is green and purple.

I told him that I thought this was a pretty nice place and that I would be tickled if he bought it and stayed here since it was right next door to me. He said he's think about it.

Now in real life there would be no way that he'd live near me. I worried about him too much and it drove him crazy. His favorite thing was to refer to me as "A Chihuahua on Crack" when talking about my lecturing. I think that's very funny -

That's pretty much the whole dream. One thing I can't seem to find the words for is how I feel when I wake up and know that I have seen him. The fact that it feels so real is very important to me. Its one of the things that helps me make it. Then there is the whole deal where I try to figure out the dream. I would like to think that this one means that he is very near me.

Last time I talked to Jamie (she's working 70 hours a week and hasn't had much free time to come for a visit) she said that she had recently dreamed that she and someone else were trying to climb up a very steep muddy slope. She kept sliding down and having to start over. She said that Andrew was with her the whole time and kept encouraging her. She finally made it to the top and the other person with her didn't. There were people waiting for her at the top and they asked her how she made it up such an impossible climb. She told them that she made it because Andrew was with her. (Although he had kind of disappeared by this time)

Now here's the neat part, she said that when she woke up she instantly knew she could make it. No matter what happened she was going to be okay because Andrew is with her, helping her. I love that.

I don't know what I believe about dreams. I believe they are important and not random. I don't think God would give us the ability to dream unless he meant for it to assist us in some way. We know from the stories in the Bible that God sent dreams to warn people or give them wisdom so I know they are important.

It goes against my personal beliefs to think that either dream, hers or mine means that Andrew is "Our Guardian Angel". Sorry folks - can't believe it. Based on what I understand about the nature of angels and the nature of our spirit I know that to believe that someone was an angle would imply a demotion of sorts. God created angles for a purpose and us for a higher purpose.

But I can believe that God sent a message in the form of a dream telling us that its all okay. That Andrew is close, he still knows us and cares for us and wants us to be comforted by that information. But just like him not hanging around Jamie once she was up the hill or the fact that he was working on his laptop or shopping (as in the most recent dream) is telling us that he isn't idle over there - he has things to do - he loves us but has to get back to what he doing.

And that's very cool.

I had the strangest dream last night. I dreamed I was headed somewhere and got detoured to a huge indoor swap meet. It had the best stuff I had ever seen at a swap meet. Really good stuff that was really cheap.

I found this set of mixing bowls that I have been eyeing on eBay. They are these wonderful pink (like the color on the old Teaberry Gum packages) Pyrex bowls in what was called the Gooseberry Pattern. They were mark $4.25 for the set. I only had to pay $3.50 for them. A total steal!

I was standing at the checkout table after having completed my purchase and was talking to the other people standing there. Suddenly the door opened and Andrew came in. I was so surprised and delighted. I said "Andrew, I'm so glad you're here. I was just thinking how much you would like this stuff they are selling." Then I grabbed him and hugged him as tight as I possibly could. He was friendly but didn't hug back - didn't say anything that I remember, just smiled and then went on to browse through the swap meet. I returned to the group of people I was talking to and pointed Andrew out to them. I said "That's my son. He died about six months ago but now he's back."

Isn't that odd? I have often wanted to make physical contact with him in past dreams but never did. It was like there was a veil I couldn't reach past. But last night I held on to him for a very long time.

I woke up so happy. I was elated to have had the chance to hold him again even if it was only in a dream. Then I headed to the shower to get ready for work. We have a radio on in the bathroom at all times (It's hooked up to the light switch) and as I began my shower this song came on.

What makes this interesting is that Andrew loved this song and had just discovered it at the time of his death. He was trying to learn it so Jamie said he played it over and over and over and over... She said he had gotten very good at the vocals.

She requested that it be played at his funeral. I hadn't heard it since I was a teenager and had almost forgotten about it. (Since then I have it on my IPod and hear it frequently.) But, I can't recall hearing it on the radio at all. I thought it was intriguing that it would play right after I dreamed about Andrew.

As I sang along with the radio I couldn't help but smile and say, yes - you really blew my mind.

Today is the day we set aside to celebrate our independence. One of the ways we do this is to shoot off wonderfully colorful fireworks. So, since Andrew was a real firecracker in his own way I thought I'd post some "Paco Fireworks" in the form of his various hair colors. Not really red, white and blue, more like red, yellow and green but totally Paco all the same.

Ironically, this is what happens when children celebrate their independence from the influence of their mother who would have never approved of him dying his gorgeous hair.

Hope you have a wonderful Fourth of July. Be safe -

Happy Fathers Day

Today on The Oprah Winfrey Show the topic was the grieving of family members who lost their children in very tragic circumstances...nightmare situations...

I sat and cried and shook my head "yes" as I listened to them tell their stories. There is an empathy that no one except those of us in this "group" (that no one ever wanted to join) has for other parents that no one can begin to comprehend.

The mother of the beautiful child killed in a car accident said that she can't believe she has continued to exist for two more years after this tragedy. I understand that. When Andrew's first anniversary rolled around I was devastated to reach a point where I would no longer refer to losing him in terms of months and now speak of years. How could that happen? How did I live past that very first sundown? I don't know.

But I do know.

I know that bad things happen. With no rhyme or reason bad things happen. As much as we hope they never happen to us there is no real reason why they shouldn't. I'm not special or magic. I, like everyone else, live in an imperfect world and tragedy is without prejudice, it follows no profiles when it seeks out a victim. It just happens.

And although my Andrew didn't leave this earth in such a traumatic way as the families on today's show, it doesn't mean that his untimely passing wasn't hard. I have spent my fair share of time second guessing decisions that were made in regards to his health from the time he was born and wondering if something could have been done differently that would have changed the outcome. I could drive myself crazy "what if-ing", and sometimes I do.

But what helps me...what keeps me from stepping in front of a train (because that's what you secretly want to do a lot of the time) is the assurance that even if I have to go on for another 20 or 30 years without him, it's still less than a blink of an eye in the scope of eternity. One day I will close my eyes and open them again on the other side of the river and it will be as though it never happened. He will be there along with my grand parents, my mother, maybe my dad ( I will be curious to see how that worked out), and all of the people I have loved in my lifetime and all the rest I will love for eternity.

Its not a pacifying tactic, not a coping mechanism. It is what it is.....the truth.

From "The Rubaiyat Of Omar Khayyam"

" Alike for those who for Today prepare,

And those that after a Tomorrow stare,

A Muezzin from the Tower of Darkness cries

"Fools! your Reward is neither Here nor There!"

* * *

Oh, come with old Khayyam, and leave the Wise to talk; one thing is certain, that life flies; One thing is certain, and the Rest is Lies; The Flower that once has blown for ever dies."

* * *

I can't move forward much less fly if my life is weighed down with grief and sorrow, and I want to fly..in more ways than one. And Andrew would want me to.

As I have struggled with my own health issues I have thought so much about Andrew. I have a renewed appreciation for how hard it must have been for Andrew to be so sick all of his life. I miss him so much, he really was the neatest kid in the world. So damn funny - I miss that.

I wish I could say that I saw him and spoke to him and came away with a nugget of wisdom but its just not there.

This life is such a mystery. And I think that's cool - I don't know why I didn't follow him through that gate, I feel very confident that staying was the right thing -

Please hop over to The Capricious Painter for an update on my recent absence.

Andrew was only five years old when this song was released. Believe it or not he was already developing his own taste in music. This was the first contemporary music cassette tape I can remember buying him. He loved this song.

Everybody Wants To Rule The World - Tears For Fears

I seldom cry when I post something to The Zen, but this picture makes me cry.

When Andrew was 3 years old I quit my job to stay home with him. I was fortunate enough to stay home for the first 8 years that Andrew was in school. I still needed to have some income so I babysat. Andrew wasn't much over 5 years old in this picture. He decided to put on a puppet show for the kids I watched. He set it up and used his toys as the puppets. He did all the characters and thier voices. This was Andrew.

This picture makes me cry.

Crying...its one of those things that creeps people out. They don't know what to do with me when I cry, so I try not to do it too often in front of people. But I'm crying all the time on the inside. No that's not quite true, its more like alternating between crying and screaming. But I do it real quiet, on the inside.

I'm falling apart, not really getting much better, maybe even worse. This is a hard thing, the hardest ever. Last week my husband and his cousin planted a tree in the front yard for Andrew. A Mimosa...Andrew would have like this very much...and they are ordering a plaque and asked what I wanted inscribed on it. I knew immediately..it will say

"Be Still and know that I am God" Psalms 46:10
In Memory of Andrew "Paco" Romero
1980-2006

The 46th Psalm reminds us that God is our strength and our refuge. I remember this every moment of every day. When Andrew first died I said to myself, "I don't understand why but I know that God knows more about this than I do." I trust God completely in this tragedy, it doesn't stop the pain, but it makes it bearable to get through one more day.

Nautical Star

The sun comes up each morning
Feel your hand reach out for mine
Hear your whistling in the songbirds
As the sundial marks the time

I always seem to just miss you
Thought I heard you in the breeze
Caught a quick glimpse of you moving
In a canopy of trees

Heard your laughter in thunder
When your joking rain was done
Saw your eyes dance in the lightening
Always teasing just for fun

You ran too fast to catch you
You left me without goodbye
I look for you all day long now
Come and find me, tell me why

Late night moon says he knows you
The stars spell out your sweet name
Wishing you would come back home now
Come back home from where you came.

Dance me in the darkness
Play me music I can’t hear
Feel the rhythm of your heartbeat
Whisper low and draw me near

Come home now starlight strider
Return my nautical star
Searching for that galaxy rider
Bring me home to where you are

Just for fun I created a new constellation - Its called "Paco" and its sign is the Joker - many are born under other signs but choose this one. Those who identify themselves as "Paco's" are loving and much loved, talented, intelligent, funny, entertaining, joyful, passionate, prone to great depths of emotions, extremely witty, sensitive, caring, impatient and most uniquely the ability to see beyond the day to day.

I was born a Gemini - I changing to a Paco... anybody else?

Jamie requested this song be played for Andrew at his funeral.

Its so Andrew -

In past posts you have heard me talk about this is the song always being played when I'm out. Its like he always right there with me -

A wonderful surprise and touching tribute by Sandy. Sandy is an incredibly talented artist and photographer and I am so honored by her post today.

Please visit the link below:


http://sandy-everydayart.blogspot.com/

Doesn't this just make you smile all over?

..just because he's so darn cute!

Or at least something to give you a warm feeling in the middle of winter. Andrew took karate lessons when he was about five years old. He got up to an orange belt before deciding he wasn't interested anymore. Then when he was a senior in high school he decided to go back into training. He did very well and then one day, poof, just like that he decided he was done with it. His instructor came to see me and told me that he had never seen anyone with the natural talent that Andrew had for the sport. We all begged him to reconsider but Andrew was Andrew - and on to something else.

Over the next couple of days I will post some of the photos of Andrew in his karate outfit (yes I know it has a name, I just don't know how to spell it - ha!) These were taken when he was five or six years old by the Kim Jew Studio in Albuquerque -

If you are one of my faithful and beloved readers of The Zen you might have already read the comments attached to the last post from Lilli (BookBabie) and my response. In her comment she advises me to not overlook signs and coincidences as they pertain to Andrew.

She is right. Maria, my sister in this jouney, is right. Many have offered the same advice and they are also right.

Whether actual visits from my son or simply God's merciful signs I cannot say but I will tell you of a couple of interesting things.

On December 17th some time between 3:30 am when I had last looked at the clock and 5:45am when the alarm rang, I dreamed of Andrew. Okay, its true, I still can't bring myself to say he visited me in a dream but I know you will all understand and be patient with me.

We talked for a while and the dream ended with him sharing three things with me. First I asked what it was like "over there"? He said it was " _________ " and used a word I have never heard before nor can I relay it in any way. I can try to come close. I can try to substitute the word "awesome" but this is a pale and trembling version of what he said. As someone who collects words much like precious keepsakes I would give almost anything to be able to write this word - but it doesn't exist. Not over here at least.

Second I asked him if he would come back to us if he could. He was lightening fast with his answer of "No!" and seemed to chuckle just a little when he said it. And I could almost swear I detected a note of snobbery in his tone - as though I was a fool for asking.

But he did end the conversation by saying that he gets "a little sad sometimes" because he misses us.

When I woke up I immediately dismissed the dream as being of my own making but as I drove to work that morning immersed in a feeling I had never had before I reasoned that in the Bible there are references to people being given dreams by God for their edification or as a warning.

So maybe, just maybe... but then I thought about Andrew saying he was sad and I reasoned that there are no tears in heaven so it had to have been only in my own mind...and then I remembered that in Ephesians 4:30 tell me that the the Holy Spirit of God can be grieved , so maybe...just maybe...

Then this Saturday I met one of Andrew's very best high school friends who I had not seen since 1998. We met at a bar and sat and talked about Andrew for a very long time. It had been an unusually quiet night; I assume everyone was waiting to go out tonight instead of last weekend. Consequently we were able to talk undisturbed. In the middle of our visit a total stranger walked over to the jukebox and fed her dollar in the slot. She pushed a few buttons and walked away. I had to smile.

The song "RockStar" by Nickleback began to play. This is the song that Jamie picked out to play for Andrew at his funeral and it seemed so right that it was playing while Chad and I laughed and cried and remembered.

"...don't over look the signs or coincidences..." I won't, I promise.

So by way of wishing you all a Happy New Year I want to share something Andrew sent me back in November of 2004 when I was going through a very rough time. Andrew didn't include the authors name so I apologize to him or her but the wisdom is from Andrew all the same.

"We should never look back on the trials and tribulation of our life with regret or sadness for they are in some way, shape or form the things that make us immortal. These are the things that teach you about life and give you insight for the journey. Everything we experience whether it is a happy time or a sad time is a lesson on the path to being enlightened and knowledge we can pass on which makes us immortal."


Momma loves you Andrew -

May all your Christmas dreams come true ~

Check out those fancy cowboy boots....I still have them.

I love this picture so much - it shows how at a very young age Andrew was pure joy. Always ready to laugh and be merry. This is genuine Merry Christmas -

Hope all of your Christmas preparations are going well - take time to love each other and make the children laugh - that's what Christmas is all about.

P.S. I love you all very much - Cara